Segways Should Die

Have you ever seen a Segway before??

They are those funny little contraptions that have 2 large wheels on the side and a large pod-like steering thingy you hold onto that comes up from the middle.

You stand on the Segway and you control it's movement purely be leaning. The more you lean forward, the faster you go. Leaning backwards will slow you down, and leaning side to side will force you to turn. 

Apparently once you get really good at it you can turn really quickly and go a pretty decent speed.

Also, (from what I understand) they are electric powered and so you just plug in the battery and la dee dah away you go Segway'ing your way across Canada.

Never seen one before??? 

Well my friends that is because you are not cool enough to own one.

See here, only people with lots of money and a huge chip on their shoulder can afford one. 

They are super expensive and appeal to all those losers who would way rather have a girly-type standing scooter then a wicked fast motorbike to bomb around on....for about the same price.

But oh no.....the Segway people are part of the "Hipster Revolution" that began a few years ago.

They are environmentally friendly!

They are electric powered and don't use fossil fuels!

They are the "organic food" of the PUV market!! (Personal Utility Vehicle)

They are powered by the simpleness of your body's motion!!

You are super cool if you own one!

You are nobody if you don't own one!

Only super awesome amazing self-conscientious rich nerds who have nothing better to do with their money own one!!

Ugh.

My favourite is when I see a family of people all riding them at the same time together. I mean they look just like the stupid family you see 'happily playing Risk' on the front of a board game box. 

I hate that family.

These Segway people gaze at you like a low-life as they ride past, leaning forward contemptuously as they show off their slick grey wheels.

They ride around with their noses up in the air because yes.....they are vastly superiour to every other human being.

We all hope it rains and they drown like a chicken.

They smile sadly at others who use a skateboard, or a bicycle, or heaven forbid even a scooter in order to have some fun and get around to places.

Looking into their eyes you can see that they truly do feel sorry for us underpriviliged people.

They shake their heads as though they too once knew the feeling of not owning a Segway (which they have never felt).

Yet it is a superior know-it-all sense of spite that they actually feel.

They really need their Mickey Mouse grins wiped off of their smug little faces.

Besides, I have a sneaking suspicion that these are the people that nobody likes in real life because they are Grade A jerks to everyone. 

They have no friends due to their self-absorption and so they cope by buying a Segway and adopting the attitude that it makes them immediately better then everything. 

If they love the things so much why don't they just marry them. 

Then nobody else would ever have to. 

Just saying.

I would like to call on people to help me collect money to put towards buying a monster truck.

Just imagine HOW AWESOME it would be to roll up in your aptly named "Dragon-Slayer" truck and squish these Segways into oblivion! 

Then you could turn your truck and drive it through those stuck up people's houses and squish the other 200 Segways they have stashed in reserve. 

Then you could go squash the dope who invented the stupid things.

Muahahaha!!

Because after all, these losers are all:

Self-absorbed,

Selfish, 

Mean, 

Stuck-Up, 

Buttface, 

Ungrateful, 

Pathetic, 

Excuses for human beings. 

If you have money, invest in sweet vehicles or houses, or paradise vacation spots, or even in funding school for your kids.

Do not, under any circumstances fall into the trap of thinking that you need a Segway to look like a cool person.

You look like a moron.

Segways should die.

That is all. 

Don't Hate on Them Sharks

People are scared of sharks.

Frequently do I hear complaints of people who are scared of going in the ocean because they are going to be eaten by sharks.

I blame ignorance and the movie "Jaws" largely for this silly little fear. 

Fact: In 2010, 6 people were reportedly killed by shark attacks.

In fact the top  animals responsible for killing humans per year (in order) are as follows:

1. Mosquitoes- 2 million deaths (Malaria you fools)
2. Snakes- 100,000 deaths (lack of antivenom)
3. Scorpions- 5,000 deaths
4. Crocodiles- 2,000 deaths (bite your head usually)
5. Elephants - 600 deaths (gore you to death)
6. Bees - 400 deaths
7. Lions- 250 deaths
8. Hippos- 200 deaths (named the most anti-human creature on the planet, they HATE us. thankfully there aren't that many of them, and lots of us muahaha)
9. Jellyfish-100 deaths

Then there are sharks.....

around 10 a year.

6 deaths last year to be precise.

In the world. 

Of 7 billion people.

Statistically speaking it means you would have to be the unluckiest person ever to die from a shark bite. You are more likely to get killed by a donkey, falling coconut, or getting struck by lightning twice.

This is why I don't understand people who are going on exotic vacations who have this irrational fear of being attacked by a shark. 

Sharks don't like people because we taste too bony and that is extremely unpleasant to their palates!!

Also, although some sharks like shallow water, most places where humans will be swimming is not deep enough for sharks to be carrying out their hunting.

Humans scare away fish, so sharks will not go where humans go (in general).

I have even ran into people who are so terrified that they are planning on not going in the water at all on their $5,000 vacation because they truly believe they are going to come back as severed body parts.

You will not get bitten by a shark unless you swim up to one, swear at it,  and then try your best to stuff your hand in it's mouth. 

Actually, if you do even get close to one just punch it as hard as you can in the nose and it will swim away.

Why? 

Because punching a shark in the face will disorient it and make it dizzy. It will believe you are the superior animal and will swim away.

But hey, if you don't believe me fine.

Be unnecessarily fearful.

Be scared.

Don't go swimming in the ocean.

Miss out on one of the best parts of exotic vacations.

I don't care because I know that I wouldn't miss it for the world.

But please don't hate on those lovable sharks needlessly!

They are just misunderstood creatures who are trying to earn their keep in the ocean and get some good luncheon meat while they're at it. They don't prefer to be involved with stinky stupid humans so if you stay away, they'll stay even farther away.

If you ever get a chance to pet a shark you will understand.

Jaws was wrong.

Some people.....

Paranoid Activity 2

Well I already discussed how frustrating it is to see people who hug PIN-pad machines, and I may point out that it has occurred at least another 7 or 8 times since.

Anyways, today I tackle the second of the top 3 things I see paranoid people do and that is what I kindly refer to as 'Irrational Car-Lock Syndrome'

This is something you may not have noticed yet, but I encourage you to keep an eye out for it from now on and I can guarantee you will see it.

This is the obsessive paranoia that people have of being attacked in their vehicles.

In crowded parking lots.

In broad daylight.

In front of lots of people.

For no reason.

For instance, lets say you are walking into Wal-Mart to buy some assorted things for your garden. You're just trundling along at a regular pace with your head up looking around to make sure you don't get flattened by a juvenile or blind driver in the parking lot.

While following this rule of "Safety First!" you unconsciously make eye contact with someone who is sitting in their vehicle. 

They are either waiting for someone else to finish shopping, or they are just chilling in their car for a few minutes before getting out.

Anyways, you make eye contact with them and you notice that they immediately become suspicious.

They think you are looking at them with malicious intent.

They believe your eyes are looking into their soul.

They become terrified of the belief that you are suddenly going to sprint towards their vehicle, yank open the doors and attack them.

Then you will steal their car and drive over their lifeless bodies in a mad dash to escape.

Yep. That must be your intent.

There is no other explanation. 

Panic....panic......panic.......DOOR LOCK!!!

Don't believe me?? Well next time just look for it.

You can notice that they will freeze momentarily as though they have been shocked. 

They will gaze distrustfully at you and then their hand will imperceptibly (so they think) travel towards their automatic door lock system.

They will jam the lock button at least 2-10 times. 

They may even glance at the locks just to ensure that they are safe from you--the roving maniac who is planning their demise.

If it is winter, their breathing may become slightly shallow and labored and the windows will even get a little foggy inside. 

..........

Where does this stupid paranoia come from??

I mean I know that some people have been raped, ok so I can understand why those people might be afraid. Fine.

But for the most part, things like that do not happen in crowded places during broad daylight. And most people have not been raped in these situations (Unless there is some strange statistic that nobody is aware of). 

Why? 

Because everyone would see it happening.

The person would get arrested.

There would be lots of witnesses.

Plus, unless you have the reflexes of a slug, you would be able to see the attacker coming from at least 5 feet away and would be able to lock your door in less then 3 seconds. And if you did this, the only way they could attack you would be if they smashed through your window, shredding their hand and arteries in the process. Pretty sure someone would notice that too.

So I don't understand this intense fear of someone attacking you inside your vehicle. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

Even more unexplainable is the people who do this and then get out of their vehicles anyways 1 minute after you pass by their car!!! I mean if you were really intent on attacking them, you could simply turn around and rush them after they get out. It would actually be easier. Just saying.

But the fact of the matter is, ordinary people are not walking through parking lots looking for cars with people in them to attack. 

So don't be paranoid. 

Don't be irrational.

Don't be silly.

If you are scared of these people then logically you should also then be frightened of those people who walk their dogs, go jogging, or take a stroll with their loved ones. 

Which means you should probably never leave your house.

Or own a car.

Or go shopping.

Or have a family.

In fact, it's probably better off if you just lock yourself in a windowless room and have your food brought to you by a servant or something.

Oh wait.....they could still attack you inexplicably.

Hmmm I guess you should probably just waste away all alone then, it must be the only solution.

Seriously.

Get over it.

People are not going to attack you in your car in the parking lot.

Please display more intelligence then a minnow.

Ugh. 

10 Reasons Why Halloween Irritates Me

Since today is treated like a national holiday (which it's not), and people spend more than they do on any other holiday (which is sad), and everyone dresses up for the day (which has nothing to do with anything)....I figured I would devote my blog to 10 things on Halloween that irritate me (which is true).

Ahem.

1. People who carve their pumpkins into barfing faces and have all the pumpkin seeds and insides spilling out of their jack-o-lanterns' mouths onto their lawn/doorstep. Really.....?? Since when are barfing faces a) scary or b) something that people want to see when collecting candy? I will barf on your barfing pumpkin next time. See how you like it. I sincerely hope you barf after smelling it.
2. Trying to get candy as an adult by trick-or-treating. This is not only a bad idea, but it makes you look like a borderline pedophile. Just host your own party and stay home please.
3. Going dressed up as a cult of 20 Gothic kids is a great way to encourage enactment of the local police force. Especially with your fake bowl of punch. Just saying.
4. People who get upset when you decide to 'trick' instead of 'treat' them. I'm SO so so so so so so so sorry for giving you the shock of your life and spraying you with ice cold water from my hose while you stand on my doorstep. Maybe if you didn't obnoxiously yell "TRICK OR TREAT" at the top of your lungs at 11 pm when the lights are off and most regular people are sleeping, this wouldn't occur. Actually I take that back, I am not sorry at all and hope you get hypothermia.
5. Parents who think it's appropriate to dress their 3 month baby in a Lady GaGa costume and tell everyone that they look so dashing. Fact: Your child is 3 months old..... Really?? I am certain they weren't born that way. Again, just saying.
6. Watching scary movies on Halloween that are aptly named 'Halloween Haunting' 'Halloween Massacre' 'Halloween's Hallowed Hallowing' or 'The Haunting of Hallowed Halloween Hallows in Hallowsdale'. They are no more scary because they are named these stupid things, and are just as scary as if you were to watch them on any other night of the year. So stop talking about how 'scary' it is that you are going to be watching these movies on Halloween. Grow up.
7. Again with the pumpkins. Look, I can understand 1 pumpkin. Or 3 pumpkins. I can even understand if you have 14 kids and they all make their own pumpkin. What I can't understand is how you spend over $500 and put 75 pumpkins on your front lawn. All hand carved. And then you get angry when kids take some of your pumpkins and smash them on the street/car/your house. Seriously, how much time do you have? Some poor person could have used that $500 to stay off the street or even used all that time you wasted in having a hot meal prepared for them. Shame on you for being so selfish with your stupid pumpkins. And double shame for expecting any lesser fate to await your pumpkins. Fact: Pumpkins are not people.
8. People who spend tons of time and money putting up fake ghosts and other paraphernalia onto the exterior of their houses and then get angry at me for putting up Christmas lights. Hey, I don't complain to you about your stupid blow up Casper or creepy pumpkin-patch children and I fail to see how putting up Christmas lights is any worse then displaying dead people on my front lawn. Oh wait, I forgot that you think pumpkins are real people. I suppose you probably also believe that every time a light bulb burns out it's like you've lost a child in your family. Got it....... in that case prepare to lose many children this Christmas you fool. Or else next year I'm calling Child Pumpkin Services and that's it for your stupid Pumpkin Children. Let's get real here.
9. Teenagers who attempt to squat on your lawn. Yeah.....not acceptable. Even less acceptable when they swear at my pumpkin afterwards. Hey he has feelings! Life is hard.
10. People who wish you 'Merry Halloween'. Excuse me? I believe it's Merry Christmas and Happy Halloween you idiots. But I could be wrong here. I mean I remember the last time I wished someone a 'Merry Birthday'....

And this is why I dislike Halloween.

Get it together.

Enough with the pumpkins already.

Man I hate pumpkins.

Paranoid Activity 1

I'm sure many of you read the title and thought it said "Paranormal Activity"....the name of a popular, extremely stupid and non-scary set of movies that have come out in the last couple of years.

These lame movies focus on doors slamming shut, things that go bump in the dark, and furniture falling over. When none of this is happening, the characters suffer from severe obsessive compulsive disorder--they look out of their windows suspiciously 2 billion times, frequently glance over their shoulders, and watch video camera footage over and over. 

In fact I *glance* would *glance* recommend *glance* this *glance* movie *glance* to *glance* somebody *glance* who *glance* has a *glance* nervous *glance* tic 

Notice how I looked out the window nervously 10 times in that one sentence?? Scary isn't it???

Anyways, for this reason I have come to dub the movies "Paranoid Activity".

Now while the movies are stupid, boring, and not scary at all, I have discovered something else that is truly scary.

Paranoid people. 

In continuity with the 3 movies, there are 3 kinds of people who exhibit irritating paranoid activities which are completely irrational and stupid. 

We will begin with:

Paranoid Activity 1- PIN-Pad Hugging

These are the people in line in front of you to buy something at your local store.

They are so paranoid about you peering over their shoulders and memorizing their PIN number for their debit/credit cards that they hunch their entire body over top of the machine creating a body shield. Or they hug the machine tightly to their bosom in a death-grip and refuse to let go.  Meanwhile they keep glancing backwards with frantic expressions as their fingers try to punch in the numbers as fast as possible. Sometimes they even pretend they are pressing extra buttons (to confuse any onlookers), and to make them feel as though they are outwitting all the thieves that must exist in the store.

They get upset if you even look in their general direction, which is stupid because there is nowhere else to look when standing in line. What are you supposed to do, stand backwards?? Don't be ridiculous. 

Everyone knows the standard number setup on a PIN-pad so we wouldn't even have to see the numbers on the pad to know what buttons you pressed. So if we were really intent on stealing your pin number, it wouldn't matter if we were looking over your shoulder or not.

Never mind the fact that in order for their PIN to be of any real use, their card would also be required. (or at least card number). Considering that the only way I could possibly get that card from the person is by tackling them into the ground and stealing all their stuff, or coshing them with a blunt object, this is a stupid thing to be paranoid about.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid.

Fact: You do not need to hug your debit machine in order to use it.

Try hugging your ATM next time while taking money out. 

Think that sounds ridiculous?? Well it's the same concept.

Do This

Not This

Seriously, I am not standing in line to steal your PIN number. 

Figure it out.

Yeesh.

Pointless Question: "Do You Workout?"

So in case you missed it, this is the sequel to yesterday's post. I'm sure I will encounter many more pointless questions in my life, but this one is BY FAR the one I hate the most.

Ahem.

I have a confession to make.

I am extremely confused by people sometimes.

I just don't get it.

I feel like they probably don't think through what they say before they say things actually.

You know what I'm saying?

Let's discuss something here.....I don't consider myself to be a meat-head. I mean I keep myself physically in shape for sports and general fitness, eat as healthily as possible, and I enjoy weightlifting. This means (logically) that I look larger and physically stronger then a person my height/weight would be if they didn't exercise, and yes aesthetic benefits accompany this.

That is the way the human body works.....and that is the end result of exercise, especially if you are in your prime years of physical maturity. 

This I understand.

What I don't understand is when you run into people who are blown away by this biological fact and ask one of the most pointless questions known to mankind:: "Do You Workout?"

...........................

No actually I don't.
I just sit around and do absolutely nothing. 

In fact I stare at weights and can absorb them into my body as muscle.

It's a well known fact that sedentary activity and 'making wishes' allows for one to physically get in shape.

You mad??

But seriously, what retards....

Do I look like I workout?

Because if I do look like I workout then why do they ask the stupid question?

Are they expecting me to answer with something like "No, it's magic I'm secretly Harry Potter" and then cast a body-morphing spell on them??

Are they expecting me to tell them that I just shoot up with 92 kinds of drugs and spontaneously get huge??

Honestly people, how am I even supposed to answer this stupid question? 

If I say yes, I look like the biggest narcissist ever, and if I say no I am a liar. 

Lose lose situation, thanks douche balloons.

So to answer the question then yes, I workout. As I mentioned earlier it's called a biological process. It is not magic. It is not from doing nothing. It is for many beneficial reasons.

Holy cow this actually annoys me so much.

The stupid question isn't even a compliment, it's just ignorant at best.

A compliment would be something like "Hey, you look really good, keep it up." Or "Looks like your workouts are paying off." Or even "Looking huge dude, mang yo."

Or maybe people could even have the intelligence to ask something regarding what kind of workout program I have found to be most effective. Or what exercises I like best. Or what steps I have taken in order to accomplish goals I have set out. 

That would be acceptable and understandable!

I have no issues with helping others out with training or legitimate exercise questions.

However, asking "Do you workout" is like asking a Safeway employee who is in uniform "Do you work here?" 

Grahhh.

So next time you see someone who looks like they're in good shape or they workout, assume that they do!

If you compliment them and they say that they don't actually work out that much, then you are in fact paying them even more of a compliment because they have good genes. They will feel warm and fuzzy and you will have made their day. If they do workout, then you don't look like the dope who is creeping on them and asking them the ever ridiculous"Do you workout?"

Do not insult people by being a farfanoogan (The little turd left over after you poop) and stating the obvious.

It makes you seem as smart as roadkill.

It makes us who exercise want to make you roadkill.

Ugh.

Pointless Question: "Hey You're Tall....Do You Play Basketball??"

FYI: Today's blog is to be taken into consideration with the blog that will be posted tomorrow on pointless questions.

I do not consider myself to be a tall person.

In fact I am just shy of 6"4. Which, when considering that the average Canadian male is 6"0...means that I am not that tall in the grand scheme of things.

So why is the first question dopey strangers who I have just met: "You're pretty tall.....do you play basketball??"

No.

I do not play basketball.

I have never played basketball.

I dislike basketball.

I play volleyball.

In fact, I think that being tall is way more advantageous in volleyball then basketball.

This question has no relevance to anything you idiot.

You are a chowderhead for asking me this.

Does it really matter even if I did play basketball??

Seriously. Do I look like a basketball player somehow? 

I don't wear basketball shoes, headbands, wristbands, Kobe Bryant shirts, or Nike clothing.

I don't call it "hoops" or"B-Ball".

I think it's stupid how a 'field goal' is worth 2 points when it's worth 3 in football.

Please explain to me how I look like a basketball player...

In fact, when asked this stupid question (usually by midgets or people shorter than me), I respond with "Hey you're pretty short, do you play miniature golf??"

That usually shuts them up.

Because really, that is pretty much the same kind of statement. 

Why ask a stupid question and expect to get a not-stupid answer?? And of all things why do you assume that I play basketball? 

There are plenty of big hockey players, football players, volleyball players, heck there are even tall tennis players and golfers.

So before you persecute a tall person and make the moronic assumption that they must play basketball.....stop yourself and stuff your hand in your mouth.

Please.

Really....go away.

Ugh.

And that's the Daily Ranter

What?? Speak English Please

Here's the thing. I have nothing against people who speak slightly accented English. I have nothing against people who speak English as their 57th language. I don't even have a problem with people who don't speak English at all.

Until they try to teach me or give me service me in English.

I fail to see how speaking Swahili or some language that consists of clicks and whistles to me in a class where I am trying to learn the syntax and structure of ENLGISH makes any sense.

Seriously, if you are trying to learn the language that's great...high five...yippee.....gold star....Care Bear Hug.

But you should NOT be trying to learn it while teaching or serving English speaking students. You already should have learned it.

That's what school, self-help books, and cultural indoctrination camps are good for. Come back in a month of hard work and see where it's at.

You know what I'm talking about.....instances such as:

• Powerpoint slides that have confusing sentences like "Then Aztecs will you see the past happening to move the moon to now." (True story)
• Your teacher/professor all of a sudden begins to chant or talk in a really fast, pleasant sing-song voice. Soon you are imagining that you are on a river in the middle of a jungle listening to the happy-sounding hum of an outboard engine. Wonderful, but class suddenly ends and you come to the realization that you have learned nothing.
• You go into a store and ask "Can you help me find some jeans?" They look at you blankly and respond with "We no have no beans sale, you check that food place." ....."Jeans not beans." "NO BEANS FOR YOU SIR, NO BEANS. ME LEAVE, NOW YOU LEAVE NOW!!!"
• You attempt to order a muffin from Tim Horton's and end up with a jalapeno flavoured bagel with herb and garlic cream cheese and a large double-double. Any attempt to fix your order only makes it worse and the staff yells at you of all things.
• Your teacher sends you e-mails in cryptic English in all caps THAT MAKES SEEMS YELLING NO??? Then they berate you in class (again unintelligibly) about how you didn't respond to their 'simple message'.
• You are in class and ask your teacher a difficult question. They get so flustered or refuse to answer it that they all of a sudden drop into speaking Russian at a rapid rate. It sounds as though they are preparing to eat human body parts or resurrect Frankenstein. This is scary.

And yes, all of these things in fact have happened to me.

Really.....if you don't know the language, don't teach it. Or don't put yourself in a position that requires it to be fluently used in service until it becomes intelligible and able to be understood by the population.

Above all else, do NOT become a post-secondary professor in an English institution where marking papers and speaking in class requires literacy. If the students have to correct the exams, syllabus, and syntax of the professor, there is a huge problem.

Ugh so frustrating.

You don't even know.

"Just Looking" Does Not Mean "Shoplifting"

Let's be clear here.

As I have previously mentioned I have worked in the retail business. 

For some time I worked on commission and made quite a bit of money while doing it.

That's because I learned the best way to approach customers to make them feel welcome:

Leave them alone.

Despite the opinion of many dip-wad managers and people who think they know everything about sales, most people are legitimately 'just looking' through what is in the store. Most managers are ignoramuses and don't understand the simple concept of creating a welcoming store, but rather breed their staff to be like predatory vultures circling around rotting meat.

But think about it, most people who shop are not dead meat. (Unless they suffer from Shopping Cart Depression.....see my earlier blog). They have many reasons for shopping.

Perhaps it is a store that carries things that they like and they are curious what's new, or maybe they are just killing time before their planned takeover of the world, or maybe they're just trying to keep their child asleep to avoid them screaming bloody murder in the middle of the mall.

The majority of people are not looking for something specific (unless you work in a hardware store, but those people don't make commission and deal with vague comments surrounding "the thingy that flips over and attaches to that thing that's round"....I truly feel for them.)

Anyways, nothing irritates me more then walking into a store such as Sport Chek and being harassed every single step of the way. Harassed doesn't even begin to describe it actually.....the employees might as well be hanging onto my arms and legs and yelling in my ear the entire time.

It starts off innocently enough with a simple hello.

Then about 2 minutes later, you are approached by a sycophantic 12 year old employee who is working on commission who asks if you are looking for anything or need help finding something.

The response is always: 

"No thanks, I'm just looking".

Immediately the 12 year old retreats back into the shadows where he quickly shoots a glance at a few other employees (including the manager) and nods towards you.

Within the next 10 minutes, you are asked by 7 more employees whether you need help finding anything. After which you are again approached by the original employee asking if "You're doing alright"

My answer is always: "I was fine until you asked me 20 questions. Now I'm angry."

Then their little ant antennaes all begin to twitch and the employees all get extremely agitated. You can sense them just writhing inside with inner turmoil.

This is because their 'danger flags' have been raised. 

They assume that you MUST be looking for something otherwise you wouldn't be in their store.

Therefore if you're NOT looking for anything in particular you are a shoplifter.

Then they swarm you with multiple more smiling, question-asking, ant-like zombie employees who all seem to be under the legal working age. They figure that constant vigilance over you means that you know you are being watched closely and will not shoplift.

But the management is a bunch of idiots because being monitored by a bunch of stupid young employees who constantly ask you questions only serves the obvious purpose:

You will become so annoyed you will leave and never want to come back. Or you might just yell at an employee or push them into the nearest clothes display (laughing manically while they fall helplessly into an abyss of baby clothes and women's underwear). Or you might file a human rights complaint over how you are being stalked by employees of an institution.

Because that's pretty much what it is: stalking.

It's creepy. 

It's annoying.

It's bad business.

Seriously, I am "Just looking" for something. If I was looking for something in particular, I have something called a mouth that I can open (usually) and use to speak words to you to find this "thing" that I might be looking for. 

Otherwise these overzealous commissioned employees need to keep their yaps shut.

Let's be real, we all know you work on commission and we all know that you are eager to make more money then the other 1 billion employees hired by your sweatshop of a store. 

I personally will seek out the employee who has not asked me a single question or followed me around the store sniffing my shoulders and credit them with the sale.

I am not shoplifting.

Leave me alone.

Good Grief.

I Hate Classroom Cretins

I apologize for a couple days away, unfortunately I had no internet access due to travel. Anyways, we shall carry on as usual.....

I don't know about most people who attend post-secondary institutions, but I do so because I consider myself to be somewhat intelligent and I want to be there to pursue further education. In fact, I am paying significant amounts of money for this exact thing.

I believe that this is the case with most people.

But not all people.

It would seem that some idiots go to post-secondary so they can pretend to be superior to everyone else in the classroom. They love to listen to their own voice and constantly engage the professor in class.

In fact they completely brown-nose with the teacher and put their hands up every 30 seconds with a new 'fresh' insight into the material being covered. The material is never fresh, and their silly comments make everyone else in the class feel an intense urge to commit hari kari. Meet the 'Classroom Cretin"

Their statements or questions are never relevant (such as questioning the prof on whether they like wolverine meat or squid fetuses better in their soup).

Sometimes they don't even ask an actual question but rather make a stupid observation (such as "It snows in winter duhahahhhahhhhh I have ink for brainssssss).

Many times these dopes will just re-state what the professor has already said and say "Is that right?" Then when the prof agrees with them and further discusses the issue this classroom cretin will nod wisely and give a swift know-it-all glance around the classroom.

Everyone else is wishing they had a Vaporization Gun. 

But this doesn't faze the cretin...oh no...in fact it makes them feel even more superior. Yes! 

They have asked their question before someone else! 

They are engaging with the teacher! 

They are getting participation marks!! 

Everyone is focused on them!! 

They are just killing this class right now!! 

THEY ARE THE SUPREME BEINGS IN THE CLASSROOM AND KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SUBJECT AND EVERYONE LOVES GUHRAHHHHHHHH!!!!

My absolute favorite is when a group of these cretins sit together in a cluster in a classroom. They then feed off of each other like parasitic leeches feasting on fresh blood. One will put up their hand and start a completely useless conversation with the professor. The others will then chirp in with equally pointless conversation and will build off of their own moronic ideas. If they were allowed, I'm pretty sure they would rush towards each other and madly high five back and forth while commenting how intelligent and awesome they are.

Instead, they settle with just smirking impishly at each other and offer remarks such as "Oh, that's such a good comment!" and "I completely agree with that!", especially when discussing the best way to mount a unicorn in an enchanted forest when you have been set on fire and are missing a shoe.

You know, completely relevant things.

Look, I don't pay a billion dollars for my schooling to listen to Mr. and Mrs. Self-absorbed discuss mythical creatures or their own personal thoughts on how Einstein should have had a better hairdresser. I'm pretty sure other people don't either.

Seriously, we are not 2 years old and nobody wants to listen to you brown nose the teacher for the entire class.

If you don't have something useful or relevant to say in class it's pretty simple:

Shut your piehole.

Trust me classroom cretins, you have way less 'friends' in class then you think you do.

Ugh.

That is all.

Little Dogs Make Great Footballs

I hate little dogs.

Now I'm not talking the well-behaved little dogs that just wag their tails back and forth happily and kind of leave you alone.

I'm not talking about the cute daschund weiner dog, the beagle, or (in some cases) the cocker spaniels.

I am talking about the annoying as heck little dogs that always jump at you.

And bark with that high-pitched whine bark.

All the time. All day. At everything. And never shut up.

I am talking about the little dogs that always get underfoot and constantly keep trying to chew on your shoes or clothes. Or that you see owners carrying around stuffed disgustingly into their purses or handbags. Or holding while shopping.

I am talking about the Shitzu.

The Chihuahua.

The Pomeranian.

The Mini-poodle.

The Pug.

And various other kinds of dogs that some people think are 'cute'.

Newsflash People:

They are not cute.

They are ugly.

They are annoying.

They are loud.

They deserve to not be adopted.

Nothing would make me happier then lining up and punting one as hard as I could--hopefully setting some kind of kicking record while I was at it.

In fact, I have realized that little dogs would make great footballs.

Can't you imagine? 

You'd pick up the stupid thing while it was yapping at you and just chuck it 20 yards downfield. The receiver would then catch it around the neck and run as far as possible until getting mangled into the ground by a tackle. 

The furriness of the dog would make it easy to catch and it would be just the right size for a football!!

And for a field goal?? Even better!!

Just set that yapping dog down on the ground and kick for all you're worth!

50 yard field goal!!

3 points!!

The crowd goes wild!!

No more barking!!

Seriously though, why do people buy these stupid dogs? They are not cute in any way and only serve to antagonize any ordinary person in their right mind. 

Buy a muzzle for that thing.

Or else buy a regular/big-sized dog that isn't so ugly and irritating and feed it little dogs for breakfast.

Or as I suggested, just let us use the things for the next football game.

Nothing would make me happier.

I seriously hate little barking dogs.

Ugh.

Killing "The Elephant in the Room"

So expressions can be kind of useful when used properly. However, there are some that are just stupid, moronic, and extremely frustrating. 

Combine these kinds of expressions with humans and you get people who display the intelligence of a dead snail.

Such is the case with the frequently uttered phrase 'The Elephant in the Room'.

Usage by retards is something like this:

-"Well since nobody is going to address the elephant in the room.....I will"

-"We all know about the elephant in the room..."

-"It would appear we have an elephant in the room"

- "Not to make anyone scared, but it would seem that the elephant in the room is just killing us right now"

This is a stupid expression.

Here is the proper definition.

Elephant:

noun, plural -phants, (especially collectively) -phant for 1. Either of two large, five-toed pachyderms of the family Elephantidae, characterized by a long, prehensile trunk formed of the nose and upper lip, including Loxodonta africana (African elephant), with enormous flapping ears, two fingerlike projections at the end of the trunk, and ivory tusks, and Elephas maximus (Indian elephant), with smaller ears, one projection at the end of the trunk, and ivory tusks almost exclusively in males: L. africana is threatened; E.

In layman's terms, an elephant is a BA monster-trucker of an animal, is grey, has big ears, and can squish things. Live outdoors. Mostly in Africa.

Elephants are animals.

Not people.

Not inapplicable metaphors.

They do not exist in rooms.

They actually don't really like people. 

I understand what metaphors are but this is a stupid one. Especially since everyone always addresses "The Elephant in the Room" as being a big question or issue that nobody is talking about.

Well guess what, by mentioning it you all of a sudden are talking about it. (You idiots)

So saying there is an elephant in the room is not only a lie, but also a completely hypocritical statement.

Don't you wonder why nobody ever talks about this so-called elephant??

Because it isn't there.

There is no elephant.

And even if there was, mentioning that there is an elephant in the room does not make it appear.

Neither does it make the 'Elephant' any more likely to be "solved".

You cannot "solve" an elephant.

Unless you kill it.

And that is not only harsh and unnecessary but PETA will probably hunt you down and do likewise.

So why not do the sensible thing and not use this ridiculous expression.

Just say, "so the issue nobody is talking about is..."

or: "The huge problem here is...."

Then you sound like a smart human being that may actually have brains inside of your head instead of oatmeal.

Leave elephants out of it.

If you want an elephant in the room, go to the zoo.

You sound like an imbecile.

Seriously.

Please help kill this stupid expression one person at a time.

I suggest slingshots filled with rocks to the brain.

FWAP!!

Oops guess we just "solved" that elephant.

Ugh.