Saturday, 12 November 2011

GaGaGo Play in Traffic

List some things that really irritate you about people:

  1. People who wear meat dresses
  2. Individuals who wear legless pants
  3. Singers that copy Madonna and try to "push the envelope"
  4. Hibernating in an egg before a performance to "be mysterious"
  5. Songwriters who try to shove their opinions down your throat through their music
  6. Musical Psychos
  7. Singers that name themselves after the noise a baby makes
  8. People who can't stand that others might have an opinion about something that doesn't agree with them
  9. Songs that are not appropriate for young children that are played for them anyways
  10. Women who wear stupid hats/masks/clothes that are impractical and serve no purpose except to make them look like they missed the memo at a masquerade ball
  11. Musically talented singers who sing terrible music and waste their natural abilities
  12. Psychos
Who fits this profile....hmmmmmmmm.

Oh yeah, Lady GaGa.

Look, nobody cares about your stupid clothes, you look like a moron.

Copying Madonna is boring and has gotten old, give it up.

Songs ranging from "terrible" to "death would be better"means you may want to consider a new career.

You call your fans "little monsters"....this is eerily accurate. 
Fact: People don't like monsters. And people don't like you.

I pity you  because you have potential to be a great singer but waste so much time trying to force your  viewpoints on everyone else. 
Please go away, you act like a 5 year old.

You are very homely looking, so pretending otherwise is not doing you any favours....just saying. 

Again with the costumes......yeah you look idiotic
As in, legitimately stupid.

Grow up. Not every day is Halloween.

Ga-Ga-Go play in traffic.


Preferably with lots of cement mixers, logging trucks, and Lamborghini's 

Sanity will then be restored.

That is all.

Friday, 11 November 2011

Remembrance Day: A Day of Silence

Today I will not rant about anything, except to point out that it is sad how so many people do not know what the purpose of Remembrance Day is or the significance of the poppy.

Remembrance Day (or Veteran's Day) is a memorial day set aside by Commonwealth countries to commemorate the German armistice signed at the 11th hour, on the 11th day of the 11th month in 1918. This effectively drew an end to World War I.

The day was specifically dedicated by King George V on 7 November 1919 as a day of remembrance of members of the armed forces who were killed during World War I. 

The red poppy has become significant in large part because of the poem written by Canadian John McCrae entitled "In Flanders Fields". The poppies grew heavily in the earth of the battlefields and cemeteries where war casualties were buried in Flanders--and thus have become representative of the war.

Take a minute to reflect on the day and the purpose for which it is commemorated. I encourage you to read the poem below as it reminds us of why we wear a poppy.

Why Wear A Poppy- by Don Crawford

"Please wear a poppy", the lady said,
And held one forth, but I shook my head
Then I stopped and watched as she offered them there,
And her face was old and lined with care;

"But beneath the scars the years had made
There remained a smile that refused to fade.
A boy came whistling down the street,
Bouncing along on carefree feet.

"His smile was full of joy and fun,
"Lady" said he "may I have one?"
When she pinned it on, he turned to say:
"Why do we wear a poppy to-day?"

"The lady smiled in her wistful way
And answered: "This is Remembrance Day,
"And the poppy there is a symbol for
The gallant men who died in the war. "

"And because they did, you and I are free
That's why we wear a poppy you see.
I had a boy about your size,
With golden hair and big blue eyes.

"He loved to play and jump and shout
Free as a bird, he would race about.
As the years went by, he learned and grew
And became a man - as you will too. "

"He was fine and strong, with a boyish smile,
But he'd seemed with us such a little while When war broke out and he went away.
I still remember his face that day.

"When he smiled at me and said good-bye.
'I'll be back soon, Mum, so please don't cry.'
But the war went on and he had to stay
And all l could do was wait and pray.

"His letters told us of the awful fight
(I can see at in my dreams at night),
With the tanks and guns and cruel barbed wire,
And the mines and the bullets, the bombs and the fire."

"That sure did sound like an awful fight,
But your son - did he come back alright?"
A tear rolled down each faded cheek;
She shook her head but didn't speak.

"I slunk away in a sort of shame,
And if you were with me, you'd have done the same;
For our thanks, in giving is aft delayed,
Though our freedom was bought - and thousands paid!

"And so, when we see a poppy worn,
Let us reflect on the burden borne
By those who gave very all
When asked to answer their country's call
That we at home in peace might live.
Then wear a poppy! - and give!


Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Mucus Breathing Monsters

I am not a germaphobe, I actually have great genetics and hardly ever get sick (look at me being all egotistical!!)
However there is something to be said about people who are sick with mucus-like infections and don't do anything about prevention.
I believe what should be done is to hit them with wooden sticks so they can't move or further infect people.
Kind of like those zombie movies.

These are the try-hards who refuse to stay home from school/work for even 1 bloody day in order to get themselves feeling better.

Oh no, they MUST attend public functions.
Being sick with bronchitis or lung infections is no big deal to them.
Most often, this ends up being in the school environment where they sit in class (many times during an exam) and are just leaking slime and mucus out of their eyes, ears, and nose.

To compound this disgustingness, they do not have anything to blow their nose with and simply suck up all the snot into their brains like large vacuum cleaners making that ever-lovely *schnuuuuuck* sound that you are probably familiar with. 
I can just imagine all this mucus balling up inside of their heads into a happy little family that sticks together extremely well.

AND they also cough with their mouths open, letting the whole world know that they are full of puke and grossness while simultaneously tripling the chances of everyone else around them getting sick.

Newsflash: It's called Kleenex.

Do not wipe your snot on your sleeve, or on your hands, or on your binder....please for all things merciful use kleenex.

If you absolutely have to sniff it up your nose, please use little sniffs for a short period of time until you can get to a washroom. And never suck your snot during an exam please, it's super irritating.
If you are so deathly sick that this option is not possible and you just have phlegm dripping off your ruddy face, then for crying out loud stay home!!

Really, you are not accomplishing anything by going out in public except for ensuring that 1/5 people that you meet will get sick from what you have.
If you have any kindness, take a few days, get some sleep and relax. 

If you absolutely must attend school to write a test (or heaven forbid you can't miss 1 measly class) then you'd better arm yourself properly!
I expect to see hand sanitizer (small bottle is acceptable) and tissues stuffed into your backpack into large quantities.
Also, I expect that you have taken something in order to limit the amount of mucus streaming out of your body onto public spaces. I suggest Buckley's or some other disgusting medicine that works wonders.

And by golly, you'd better be washing those slimy snot-crested hands at every opportunity you get.

Last but not least....
Warn people you are sick first!!
It's no good to tell people you are sick after you have slobbered all over their faces, or stuck your hands to their homework....or even high-fived them 1 billion times.

At least if you have warned them, they can make their own decisions about how to respond to you.

But for all you irresponsible mucus breathing monsters......

Putting your mucus into my personal space is no different then if you were to poop in my mouth.
Just don't do it.

Stay home and get better.

The world will not end because you must slow down for a few days.


That is all. 

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

So You Have a PhD.......NOBODY CARES!!!

Oh boy, this just really grinds my gears.

So lets say that you spend lots of time and money getting a post-secondary education. You get a 4 year degree in Makiakki Herbology.  Yay you!! 

Then you decide to get your master's degree in it, writing your thesis on Negative Methane Toxicity of Makiakki Plants on the African Plains. 

You then decide to one-up yourself and get your PhD in Theoretical Herbology of Imaginary Pygmy Shamans in Malaysia.

You manage to nail your thesis and are awarded the distinction of having your PhD.
Good for you. 

Seriously, good work. 
It is not easy to pursue such ambitions and it takes a significant amount of time and money to achieve such goals. Even if they do revolve around stupid obscure subjects such as Pygmy Shamans and Maikkiki Herbology in remote areas.
Much respect.

However, I do not have respect for the losers who think that because they have achieved this status, everyone else is a lesser human being.
You know exactly what I'm saying.

These are the rude slime-balls who refuse to talk to you or get extremely offended unless you refer to them as DR. 
For instance, in retail I would frequently get people who had Dr. put on their credit cards. 
If I said have a nice day (Mr./Ma'am.....and their last name) they would get extremely angry and snootily reply: "Actually it's DR"; as their eyes turned into large dinner plates and rolled madly around in their head and they frothed angrily from the mouth.

Well soooooorrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyy douchebag I didn't mean to to insult your fragile little ego. 
It's really sad that you need to have this title in order to feel important in society. What were you neglected as a child or something??
Maybe you have "Small Man Syndrome"??
Does this PhD make everything in your life complete??

Well hopefully because it also makes everyone else want to punch them in the head 5,000 times until they are comatose on the floor.


You also run into this in the post-secondary world where you will have professors who will not even acknowledge you or talk to you unless you call them Dr. 
I will often call them Dr. Doom or Dr. Dre or something else that really irritates them.
Because really how stupid is that??

Just because they decided to waste their time and money pursuing higher education does not make them immediately smarter then you. Especially when the majority of people obtain their PhD's in things that the average 3 year old baby pig would be able to understand.

In fact, I find lots of these people severely lacking in common sense and I doubt they would be able to fix their own toilet if it broke and their feces were splattered about on the ground.
Some of them probably don't even know what feces are to be honest.

But really, how would these snobby people like it if I refused to answer to them unless they adressed me as "Sir" or "Your Majesty"??? 

"Can I try on these shoes please??"
"Of course not peasant, you didn't refer to me by my proper title.."

Yeah, of course they wouldn't like it don't be ridiculous.
But it's the exact same idea.
Having a PhD does not entitle you to put yourself on a pedestal above the rest of us you ignoramuses. 

It's just as mature as a 5 year old who throws a temper tantrum because they don't get a candy from the store. 

Grow up.

If you have a PhD and you want people to think you're smart and well-educated and a great person the best thing you can do is not act like a superior know-it-all who is obsessed with their title. 
Trust me.

Because if you try and shove your title in your face, I will make it my life goal to shove your face into a pile of dog poop on the ground. 

I will also make a point of refusing to call you Dr. and make snarky comments about your lack of ability toaccomplish anything in life.
I will tell all my friends about you and your selfish attitude.

This really really annoys me.



Monday, 7 November 2011

Why "Dora the Explorer" is Corrupting Children

Wheeewwwwww back at it!! Be sure to tune in this week as we delve into hipsters, doctors, Paranaoid Activity 3, and manlets with a vigour....but first, today's topic.

Now I don’t know about all you folks but I grew up watching shows such as Bugs Bunny, Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, Spiderman, Rocket Robin Hood, and Mr. Dress up. These shows taught you valuable life lessons like how to punch out raging super villains, loyalty, friendship, responsibility of superpower usage, and how to dress like a cool kid. 
However, modern television has decided to take a much more disturbing stance in children’s cartoons and has thus given us:

Dora the Explorer.

On the surface the basic premise of the show is cute and friendly: 
Dora learns to count!
Dora learns to spell!
Dora makes friends!

Yet what really bothers me is how it is riddled by many more questionable ideas:

Dora learns to spy on foreign countries!
Dora never stays at home!
Dora speaks Spanish instead of English!
Dora spies on her friends!
Dora has a secret backpack!
Dora has shifty eyes!

Hmmmm......well it becomes obvious pretty quickly that this show has very little to do with helping kids learn anything of value, but rather it is an evil tool used to teach subliminal messages. In case you haven’t caught on yet, I’m going to spell out for you what the network doesn’t want you to know:

Think about it. She knows how to count (in English) and spell (in English), yet at the same time, she teaches her viewers Spanish, showing her true colours and how she despises everyone who doesn’t agree with her. Most viewers of the show (little kids who poop out cheerios and lucky charms) don’t even understand Spanish and so Dora is secretly slipping them subliminal messages. Which is bad. And unfair to our poor little tykes.

Also, have you ever wondered exactly how that magical backpack of hers works?? Well, let me tell you something else that may surprise you:

Yup. She is definitely packing some seriously bad stuff inside of that backpack of hers, and plotting to destroy everything held dear by her viewers. The backpack "magically" contains whatever she wants it to contain, so this is not true fantastic to believe. Avoid her at all costs.

And that brings me to another point, why is Dora an “Explorer”. Well if she is does in fact harbor ill intentions towards the country, she is clearly exploring to map out the territory and find the most vulnerable points at which to execute her plan.

She giggles with delight as you (the viewers) engage in helping her find pieces of the map which will help her on her journey. She even gets her monkey to record important places they've visited on the map. Oh yes, the devious little girl has even gone so far as to implicate our weak minded children in her masterminded plot.

But on a more serious note.....

This is one of the dumbest kids cartoons I've ever seen.
Send your kids to play outside instead of rotting in front of a television.
Especially when filled with silly programming like this.

Ugh new kids cartoons are the worst, don't even get me started on the Doodlebops.

That is all.