Thursday, 20 October 2011

Little Dogs Make Great Footballs

I hate little dogs.

Now I'm not talking the well-behaved little dogs that just wag their tails back and forth happily and kind of leave you alone.
I'm not talking about the cute daschund weiner dog, the beagle, or (in some cases) the cocker spaniels.

I am talking about the annoying as heck little dogs that always jump at you.
And bark with that high-pitched whine bark.
All the time. All day. At everything. And never shut up.
I am talking about the little dogs that always get underfoot and constantly keep trying to chew on your shoes or clothes. Or that you see owners carrying around stuffed disgustingly into their purses or handbags. Or holding while shopping.

I am talking about the Shitzu.
The Chihuahua.
The Pomeranian.
The Mini-poodle.
The Pug.
And various other kinds of dogs that some people think are 'cute'.

Newsflash People:
They are not cute.
They are ugly.
They are annoying.
They are loud.
They deserve to not be adopted.

Nothing would make me happier then lining up and punting one as hard as I could--hopefully setting some kind of kicking record while I was at it.
In fact, I have realized that little dogs would make great footballs.

Can't you imagine? 
You'd pick up the stupid thing while it was yapping at you and just chuck it 20 yards downfield. The receiver would then catch it around the neck and run as far as possible until getting mangled into the ground by a tackle. 
The furriness of the dog would make it easy to catch and it would be just the right size for a football!!

And for a field goal?? Even better!!
Just set that yapping dog down on the ground and kick for all you're worth!
50 yard field goal!!
3 points!!
The crowd goes wild!!
No more barking!!

Seriously though, why do people buy these stupid dogs? They are not cute in any way and only serve to antagonize any ordinary person in their right mind. 
Buy a muzzle for that thing.
Or else buy a regular/big-sized dog that isn't so ugly and irritating and feed it little dogs for breakfast.

Or as I suggested, just let us use the things for the next football game.
Nothing would make me happier.

I seriously hate little barking dogs.


Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Killing "The Elephant in the Room"

So expressions can be kind of useful when used properly. However, there are some that are just stupid, moronic, and extremely frustrating. 
Combine these kinds of expressions with humans and you get people who display the intelligence of a dead snail.
Such is the case with the frequently uttered phrase 'The Elephant in the Room'.

Usage by retards is something like this:
-"Well since nobody is going to address the elephant in the room.....I will"
-"We all know about the elephant in the room..."
-"It would appear we have an elephant in the room"
- "Not to make anyone scared, but it would seem that the elephant in the room is just killing us right now"

This is a stupid expression.

Here is the proper definition.
noun, plural -phants, (especially collectively) -phant for 1. Either of two large, five-toed pachyderms of the family Elephantidae, characterized by a long, prehensile trunk formed of the nose and upper lip, including Loxodonta africana (African elephant), with enormous flapping ears, two fingerlike projections at the end of the trunk, and ivory tusks, and Elephas maximus (Indian elephant), with smaller ears, one projection at the end of the trunk, and ivory tusks almost exclusively in males: L. africana is threatened; E.

In layman's terms, an elephant is a BA monster-trucker of an animal, is grey, has big ears, and can squish things. Live outdoors. Mostly in Africa.

Elephants are animals.
Not people.
Not inapplicable metaphors.
They do not exist in rooms.
They actually don't really like people. 

I understand what metaphors are but this is a stupid one. Especially since everyone always addresses "The Elephant in the Room" as being a big question or issue that nobody is talking about.
Well guess what, by mentioning it you all of a sudden are talking about it. (You idiots)
So saying there is an elephant in the room is not only a lie, but also a completely hypocritical statement.
Don't you wonder why nobody ever talks about this so-called elephant??

Because it isn't there.
There is no elephant.
And even if there was, mentioning that there is an elephant in the room does not make it appear.
Neither does it make the 'Elephant' any more likely to be "solved".
You cannot "solve" an elephant.

Unless you kill it.
And that is not only harsh and unnecessary but PETA will probably hunt you down and do likewise.

So why not do the sensible thing and not use this ridiculous expression.
Just say, "so the issue nobody is talking about is..."
or: "The huge problem here is...."
Then you sound like a smart human being that may actually have brains inside of your head instead of oatmeal.

Leave elephants out of it.
If you want an elephant in the room, go to the zoo.
You sound like an imbecile.

Please help kill this stupid expression one person at a time.
I suggest slingshots filled with rocks to the brain.


Oops guess we just "solved" that elephant.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road

Not to beat my own drum but.....

I have a great sense of humour.

Well.... it may be kind of morbid or horrible sometimes, but hey there's not a lot I can do about that.
At least I can find things funny and have the ability to laugh at a good joke. I even laugh at my own jokes that's how much I enjoy humour! Hahaha see?? See me laughing??

I'm not like those dunder-heads who gaze at you limpidly and blink like a fish when you tell a joke. (These are the same people who don't think anything is funny and absolutely hate jokes. More specifically they hate puns).

However, for all of the jokes and puns that I like there is one kind of joke that I absolutely despise.
That would be the age old question of "Why did the chicken cross the road??"

Was it:

To get to the other side?
To get to the other chicken?
Because the rooster crossed first?
He was being initiated?
Because he wanted to get to the train station?
He was pushed?
To get his bouncy ball?
So he could cross back??


It is none of the above. 
The reason the chicken crossed the road is because he felt like it.

That's it.

No hidden meanings.
No lame excuses or made up stories.
He felt like it.

Think about it. If the chicken DIDN'T feel like crossing the road for whatever reason, he wouldn't. Even if he was coerced to or told he'd be killed, he still wouldn't have to cross unless he wanted to. Sure he might become a martyr or get beat to death with a blunt object, but he still has the choice.

The chicken always has a choice.

It's that simple. 

So this is why when I hear a chicken road-crossing joke I always venomously reply with "Because he felt like it, and that's the answer to every chicken joke." 
Then I cuff the person savagely behind the ears.

It's called individualism.
Individualism is not funny.
Which is why these jokes are not funny.
Which is why I do not laugh.
Which is why I punch you in the nose if you tell one of these jokes.

Seriously, the chicken just felt like it ok?


And that's my Daily Rant

Monday, 17 October 2011

Don't Play With Your Food

For all you gross people who chew with your mouths open so we can watch you visibly digest, eat with no hands by putting your face into your plate, or who throw up your food just so you can re-eat it.....this little ode is just for you. Actually, this is just basic food etiquette 101. It infuriates me when people don't know basic table manners.

Or people's children either for that matter.

 I call it 'Don't Play With Your Food'


Please don't play with your food.
Don't play with that food!!
It's messy and tacky and silly and rude.

Don't play with your food,
Don't mess with your meal,
Just think how your poor mashed potatoes must feel....
Don't stick olives onto your fingers,
Pretending they're opera singers.
Please, don't play with your food!!

Don't play with your food,
Don't stuff your fat face.
Gravy! And carrots! All over the place!
Use your utensils and don't lick your plate,
Eat it up slow or else regurgitate.

Don't play with your food,
Don't smack those big lips,
Don't sound like a train wreck
When munching on chips.

Don't you dare slurp on that soup,
Or poop in your chair,
And get your bratty kid's fingers
Out of my hair.

Don't play with your food,
Don't shove it around;
Don't eat like a hippo,
And gain 50 pounds.

Don't laugh while you chew,
Or chew while you laugh;
Don't munch on your lettuce
Like a retarded giraffe.

Keep those elbows off,
And learn how to sit,
Cause leaning and reaching
Isn't cool! Not a bit!

Don't play with your food!
Don't yell at the table,
Or grunt like a hog,
Or shove your face in
And pretend you're a dog.

Don't build a big castle,
With pieces of steak;
Or stab at the poor butter
Please give it a break!!

Don't scream like a banshee
Or moan like a seal;
Don't waste supper,
Telling us all how you feel.

Please don't play with your food! 
Don't play with your food, 
Don't catapult peas,
Don't act out a drama
With slices of cheese.

Don't play with your food,
Don't gurgle that pop, 
Don't hiccup or fart,
Once you start you don't stop!

Don't eat with your fingers,
Don't eat with your toes;
Don't eat off the floor
Where E-Coli grows.

Anything else? Why just let me think,
Don't neglect your poor plates
And rinse in the sink.
Into the garbage can extras should go,
Not in the dishwasher,
Not up your nose.

I said it once, I shall say it again:

Don't play with your food! 
It's messy and tacky and silly and rude.

People who lack table manners or the ability to eat properly should be treated like babies. 
We should feed them baby food.
And give them pacifiers.
Seriously......learn some manners.


That is all.

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Driving Personalities: 'Perfect Prunella'

I must admit, of all the driving personalities, this one probably irritates me the least.

But it's still annoying.

'Perfect Prunella' is almost the exact opposite of an 'Ignorant Ian'. 
They obsess about the traffic laws as if it were a cult. They make sure to park exactly 196 cm away from the curb, stop for exactly 3 seconds at stop signs, and absolutely refuse to make a U-turn unless a sign tells them they are allowed to. Even if it means driving for another 7 hours before being able to turn around.
In fact, they believe traffic signs to be the ultimate truth.

They go so far as to follow the signs even if it's not sensible. For instance, they drive slow on bridges because it may be icy.....

During the summers.

They always drive under the speed limit by at least 10 km, which is fine.....

Unless everyone else is driving the speed limit. Or over.

They do not yield the way to jaywalkers in any fashion because they believe that pedestrians should cross at the nearest crosswalk. Which is completely correct.

Unless the nearest crosswalk is 10 miles away.

Now I know it sounds a little harsh to be picking on those people who follow the driving laws 100% of the time. But I'm not picking on those who just do their best. These are the people who are so obsessive that they can tell you the driving laws in 137 different countries around the globe and the exact difference between a traffic circle, roundabout, and a whirlygig. (It's like hot dog and frankfurter apparently...)

Might I add, that if you happen to get stuck with a 'Perfect Prunella' as a passenger in your vehicle, you will seriously be wishing you had an ejection button on your car seats. Or a heavy brick in your hand.

"Oh, slow down a bit, you're 2 km over the limit. Hey you didn't shoulder check 16 times tsk tsk!! Ok, wait at this stop sign while I count out 3 steamboats as painfully slowly as possible, then you can turn. Did you just turn left on a yellow light???!! shouldn't have, don't you know better??"

Safety is great. I wholeheartedly support safety first.
Lets be real here though: too much of a good thing is a bad thing.

For instance: I struggle a bit emotionally when 'Perfect Prunella' ends up causing 7-car pile-ups because she doesn't act like everyone else on the road and signals for about 2 minutes before changing lanes. Nobody knows exactly when she is changing lanes except for her. Which is dangerous. Figure it out Prunella.

She honestly believes she is always right and is better then everyone else at driving.

Fact: Prunella is wrong.

At least the dear girl has her heart in the right place though.

Unfortunately she makes mine skip beats while driving. 

Cardiac Arrest: 11:14 pm.

Do everyone a favour Prunella and show some sensibility. 

Relax out there.

Take a chill pill.

Don't be a traffic Nazi.

Or else we are all doomed.
Doomed I say.

That is all.