Monday, 28 May 2012

"Individuality": A Hipster Guide to Conformity

Please follow these steps before you continue reading today's blog:

1) Raise your hand if you think that everyone should be their own self-made person, or an 'individual' if you may.

2 ) Now raise your other hand if you believe the best way to be an individual is by going against what everyone else is doing.

3) If you have any hands that have not been raised yet, raise your hand if you realize that this in fact makes you a conformist.

4) If you find that you did not have any hands left to raise on step 3, ball one of your hands into a fist and punch yourself in the head.

You are seriously misguided.

You see, for all of their "intelligence" "wittiness" and "understanding", hipsters fail to grasp a glaring truth about themselves.

They are conformists.


What I have just said strikes a mortal blow into the heart of each and every hipster that walks the face of this planet! Even as I continue to blog there is weeping and gnashing of teeth as the hipsters fall to their knees, ripping their sackcloth v-necks off their bodies and cursing the heavens. Lens-less glasses are perused for "Made in China" symbols and they search their skinny jeans for their "handmade" tags with anguish and anxiety; hoping to find solace in material things that can contradict the evil words I have just written.

 Why? Because the hipster honestly believes that they are unique, different, and completely unlike everyone else. 

They purposefully visit American Apparel, and Urban Underground, spending hundreds of dollars on "thrift-store" looking items that they are reassured are 'one-of-a-kind'. 
They sport their glasses with no lenses, scarves, Toms, and deep v-necks with the honest sincere belief that they are completely different then everyone else. 

I swear every hipster must have diagnosable tunnel vision.
Or perhaps they are just mentally defunct.

Either way, the modern hipster cannot come to grasp with the sad reality that they are not trend setters.
They are not original.
They are not unique.
They are not individuals.

They have become so obsessed with the idea of buying things that will "set themselves apart" that they fail to notice that every other hipster is BUYING THE EXACT SAME THING!!

Wonder why the major retailers have made so much money on stupid hipster clothing?

Huh, go figure....I mean it's not rocket science.

Thus I have come to the understanding that hipsters are laughably stupid.

I feel like the hipster has lost any semblance of higher brain function and only exists as an amoeba-like (read single-celled organism)  parasite feeding on the sentient beings of our universe.

The hipster could not survive without the intelligence of others because they would not understand economics, or capitalism, or religion, or social development, or chaos theory, or even their own words.

But of course this makes perfect sense, because after all the hipster is essentially a basic form of human life. 

Alas, one cannot fault them for being overtly naive, selfish, and unintelligent beings because they do not know any better. Perhaps we should all just feel sorry for them.

I disagree.

We should not feel sorry for them but rather we should eliminate their foolish ways from our society through one of the best tools known to mankind: scorn.

I propose we begin with a "toque ban" which decries that anyone who wears a toque when it is not winter or for a non-functional purpose is allowed to be publicly humiliated, ridiculed, and have stale kelp crackers and fair-trade cookies thrown at them.


I will Care Bear Hug anyone who accomplishes this feat. 

Just saying.

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