Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Short and sweet today.

Keep your hands to yourself please strangers.

Do not:
touch me, rub me, poke me, pinch me, tickle me, pet me, grab me, embrace me, caress me, high-five me, force-handshake me, or do something else weird when we barely know each other.

I do not know you.
I do not want to know you.

I'm pretty sure the first lesson you learn from your parents is not to talk to/take candy from/touch or hold hands with/hug strangers.

So get your grubby mitts off of me.

I don't want your germs or STD's.
I don't want your hands (which have been who knows where) touching me in any way.
I don't want to make contact with your disgusting-ness.

If you can't keep your hands to yourself around strangers in public you should probably see a psychologist, your local OCD doctor, or go to jail.

Do not pass GO.
Do not collect $200.

Some people have no concept of appropriate ways to interact with strangers.
Seriously......personal bubble here.

Ugh the worst.

That is all.

Monday, 14 November 2011

Maybe It's Maybelline?!?

Ladies, this one goes out to you.

Sad face.

Today was just going like another normal day. You know, wake cereal....go to some more.....go shop around....

It was a complete surprise attack!!

These glowing monsters surrounded me in the mall with their strange costumes and painted faces and made strange noises that were comparable to the sound a merry-go-round or jack in the box make. (Dee dee deedly-dee dee dee). 

I tried to shoo them away with loud cries of VAMINOS VAMINOS!!

Epic fail.

It only made them clown around even more, shoving their painted faces closer towards mine as they giggled impishly

I swear two of them even squirted water out of their ears, but I could have just been hallucinating.

I began to sweat profusely as I imagined them attacking me with a bloody knife like reincarnations of those clown-murderer movies that are ever so popular.

They began to speak in a strange foreign language which at first I interpreted to be Maori Snap Whistling, but later realized was in fact English. 
Apparently clowns are literate...... who knew?

Actually, as I observed these scary beings close-up  I realized that they were not actually clowns.
They were ladies.
They were females.

I don't get it.
They had on face powder and fake eyelashes and mascara and eyelash stuff and every other kind of makeup imaginable.
Which would explain the clown-like appearance.
I'm pretty sure they probably could have scraped the makeup off of their faces and iced 5 triple layered cakes with it....that's how much they were wearing.

Completely unnecessary.

Upon closer inspection (read: trolling past them about 4 times while trying not to laugh) I even noticed that they were not bad looking girls!! 
In fact they could look quite nice and normal if they tried, however somebody impressed on them that 50 lbs of makeup immediately makes them look better.
That begs the question: Maybe it's Maybelline??

Fact: It does not make you look better.
You look scary.
You look like a clown.
You might try and kill me or my children.
Or pie me in the face and honk a bicycle horn.
Or suddenly rush around me on your unicylce.
Or hit me with a slapstick and laugh in a trilling voice.
You get the point.

Please get rid of the excessive makeup, you're not helping anyone. 
A little bit of makeup....sure, awesome, no problem. I get that.

But please go easy on it ladies because nothing is scarier then seeing groups of clowns walk around tormenting the public. 
Pretty pretty pretty please go easy on the Maybelline.

Oh and FYI next time I see those girls in the mall, I plan on giving them all fake red noses and telling them to join the circus because they are super funny.

Just saying.

That is all.

Sunday, 13 November 2011

We Hate Slow Walking Slug Humans

Hello Friendlies!

Today's rant is unique in that it is co-written by a good friend of mine! We shall refer to her as Erin. If you don't know her that's fine, if you do know her......well you completely understand why we decided to joint-write this blog entry.

Anyways, the format of this blog takes place in the form of a dialogue in which we converse back and forth with each other on the stupidity of the topic we have chosen. Hilariously enough, many of our conversations actually proceed exactly in this way. Don't believe me?? 
Well bully for you.

Today, we are discussing a much-loved type of person that you will encounter this Christmas season: The Slow-Walker. 
Erin why don't you share your ideas??

E: I personally feel like the world would be a better place if there was a police force that monitored the speed of peoples walking. I mean we as a society have devoted an entire task force to making sure that people drive the right speed, but has it ever been considered that these drivers are zipping around and speeding because of people walking JUST TOO SLOW?? 

It’s not only the fact that they walk slow. 
It’s that they walk slow in groups of 14 people, creating a Red Rover-esque lineup that does not allow any person past who wants to walk at a speed faster than one meter per minute. 

And when you politely approach them at what seems to be mach 4 and say “excuse me” they look at you with looks of disgust, as if you should not be trying to run the Boston Marathon in the middle of the mall, or in the middle of their school, or wherever you may be. 
They have set up their speed trap, trapping evil speed walkers like you, and you have been had.

But really, all you were trying to do was get from point A to point B before next Christmas.
Okay, I understand, not everyone is as able bodied as the rest of us, and I myself am not as vertically gifted as Jon, but I have trained my legs to move just a little bit faster so that I walk at a socially acceptable pace. 

You’re welcome. 

But let me assure you, that if I did want to walk at a snail’s pace I would do it up against the wall, making myself as invisible as possible, so as to not disturb the rest of the people who have places to be.

J: Oh I couldn’t agree more with you!! Think how effective a police force would be for slow walkers??!! If you walk too slowly, they could sprint past you and punch you in the kneecaps with staffs made of hardened resin and animal bone.

Or just push slow walkers onto the ground savagely so the rest of us can trample on them.
I’ve heard that flattened people make great pedestrian ramps and increase the standard of living. 
This could just be a rumour though.
Boy would that teach slow-walkers a lesson.

But you know what really gets me about these people Erin?? It’s that they will walk like normal people for points in time and then will suddenly cut in front of you and switch back to “caterpillar saunter” speed. 

For crying out loud, walk faster people. 
It’s not that hard to pick up your two appendages and place them one in front of the other at even a reasonably fast pace.

If you are too tired, or lack this ability, I suggest you STAY HOME and eat fistfuls of iron supplements or perhaps look into purchasing the book “Walking for Dummies”. 

You know what else is frustrating?? Not only is it a Red Rover-esque lineup that stretches across the walking space, but it frequently seems to be people who are built like NFL football linebackers. (Not strength wise, think width-wise). Thus even when you do perhaps try to slip past them innocuously you can’t physically get past their wall of human largeness. The only possible solution would be to crawl through their legs but a) that’s gross and b) I am a human not a slug.

E: I also think that people with a good walking record, like us, should be granted the privilege of low grade tasers, which we can use to break through this rugby scrum of snails so that we can get on with our days. this tactic will allow us to take control back from the army of linebackers who walk as slow as their brains operate. and i think THAT is the least that we can ask.

J: Ahhh yes, individual hand-held tasers....the perfect solution!! 
I wholeheartedly agree with this and I think it would be most effective in getting rid of shuffling parasitic slow-walking worm humans.

But perhaps more practically (and more cost-efficient) I have discovered a technique that works wonders in clearing these snails out: rudeness.

Don't wait.
Don't be polite.
Shove often.
Step hard.

Ugh seriously though people......

Slow walkers are the worst.

That is all.