What?? Speak English Please

Here's the thing. I have nothing against people who speak slightly accented English. I have nothing against people who speak English as their 57th language. I don't even have a problem with people who don't speak English at all.

Until they try to teach me or give me service me in English.

I fail to see how speaking Swahili or some language that consists of clicks and whistles to me in a class where I am trying to learn the syntax and structure of ENLGISH makes any sense.

Seriously, if you are trying to learn the language that's great...high five...yippee.....gold star....Care Bear Hug.

But you should NOT be trying to learn it while teaching or serving English speaking students. You already should have learned it.

That's what school, self-help books, and cultural indoctrination camps are good for. Come back in a month of hard work and see where it's at.

You know what I'm talking about.....instances such as:

• Powerpoint slides that have confusing sentences like "Then Aztecs will you see the past happening to move the moon to now." (True story)
• Your teacher/professor all of a sudden begins to chant or talk in a really fast, pleasant sing-song voice. Soon you are imagining that you are on a river in the middle of a jungle listening to the happy-sounding hum of an outboard engine. Wonderful, but class suddenly ends and you come to the realization that you have learned nothing.
• You go into a store and ask "Can you help me find some jeans?" They look at you blankly and respond with "We no have no beans sale, you check that food place." ....."Jeans not beans." "NO BEANS FOR YOU SIR, NO BEANS. ME LEAVE, NOW YOU LEAVE NOW!!!"
• You attempt to order a muffin from Tim Horton's and end up with a jalapeno flavoured bagel with herb and garlic cream cheese and a large double-double. Any attempt to fix your order only makes it worse and the staff yells at you of all things.
• Your teacher sends you e-mails in cryptic English in all caps THAT MAKES SEEMS YELLING NO??? Then they berate you in class (again unintelligibly) about how you didn't respond to their 'simple message'.
• You are in class and ask your teacher a difficult question. They get so flustered or refuse to answer it that they all of a sudden drop into speaking Russian at a rapid rate. It sounds as though they are preparing to eat human body parts or resurrect Frankenstein. This is scary.

And yes, all of these things in fact have happened to me.

Really.....if you don't know the language, don't teach it. Or don't put yourself in a position that requires it to be fluently used in service until it becomes intelligible and able to be understood by the population.

Above all else, do NOT become a post-secondary professor in an English institution where marking papers and speaking in class requires literacy. If the students have to correct the exams, syllabus, and syntax of the professor, there is a huge problem.

Ugh so frustrating.

You don't even know.

"Irregardless of Anything...."

Let’s keep it short and sweet so you can all dream of pumpkin pie.

I want you to sit back and think about the title of this blog for 30 seconds. I want you to think long and hard about it. If your head comes up blank or you don’t think about anything except your indigestion, sleep, or  the last small animal you throttled, I want you to take your hand.....ball it into a fist.....and punch yourself as hard as you can in the temple.

That sentence is not English. 

Irregardless is not a word you morons.

Let’s say you are discussing potential outcomes of your planned attack on the Hipster sitting across from you. You think it’s an absolutely amazing idea to rush towards him, grab his scarf, and strangle him mercilessly as he checks his e-mail on his Ipad2. 

Your friend says it’s not a good idea. 

You argue back that it is.

Then your friend makes a fatal mistake and utters something stupid such as:

“Irregardless, I don’t want you making a scene in front of everyone.”

........

Hopefully in your fury at this comment, you turn your anger towards your friend instead and lash out with your Mexican Throwing Star. I know I would.

Or I would stuff a bar of soap down his throat and watch him choke to death.

Anyhow, let’s make something very clear here. 

Irregardless is not a word.

It is a double negative.

It is an improper grammatical superlative.

It is a word uneducated, mentally incompetent, backwards, hipster-like people use.

My favourite is during a class presentation:

Presenter:  “Irregardless of these things.....Avatar was a great movie.”

Me: (puts hand up) “You mean REGARDLESS you retard?? Ha ha you are a stupid individual!!”

Quick English lesson here....

Regardless according to the dictionary means: “Having or showing no regard; heedless, unmindful; without concern as to advice or warning.

Irregardless therefore means: “I am a dumb sack of goat meat that tries to sound intelligent but ends up sounding like a complete buffoon.”

If you hear someone utter this phrase, please help cleanse the Earth of these fools 1 at a time.

I suggest beating them to death with a Webster’s dictionary so their last thought is wishing they would have learned to speak properly.

Ugh.