Tuesday, 29 May 2012

"Hipster Spotting 100": A Dictionary Guide to Spotting Hipsters


Please utilize this useful beginner's dictionary to know the difference between a hipster and a non-hipster:

A Hipster Will/Is/Can:

Sway: To move or swing to and fro, as something fixed at one end or resting on a support

Hipsters believe life should break around them like water on a rock. Thus hipsters will often change opinions, clothes, glasses, shoes, spouses, and cutlery. However they suck at swaying others in any capacity.

Shuffle: To move clumsily

Hipsters often run into immovable objects due to over utilization of their Ipad's and sheer stupidity. Clumsy, just like a cow with 2 legs.

Loaf:  To lounge or saunter lazily and idly. OR the rounded head of a cabbage, lettuce, etc.

While it's common knowledge that they are lazy, bovine, and waste time, it is much more interesting to note that they all do have cabbage-like heads. This is an extremely helpful identifier.

Meander: To wander aimlessly; ramble.

This term refers to the movement of the hipsters' mouth and their ridiculous ideas. Talk to one and you quickly learn the technique of smiling and nodding while not listening at all. Nobody cares, and they forget what they just said anyways.

Philistine: A person who is lacking in or hostile or smugly indifferent to cultural values, intellectual pursuits, aesthetic refinement, etc., or is contentedly commonplace in ideas and tastes.
The definition says it all. Hipsters are Philistines in every respect. Unfortunately they are unaware of society's rejection of them. This is sad. Stoning of Philistines was common in ancient times.

Narcissistic: Having an undue fascination with oneself; vain.

While everyone is vain to an extent, hipsters are exclusively vain. They don't care who you are, what you wear, or what you say because, after all, that takes away from them as being the best individuals ever.

Perplexed: Complicated; involved; entangled.

Nothing is simple for a hipster. Not even saying hello to somebody, or ordering black coffee. There is always 'more than meets the eye' with them. Which is eerily similar to Emo people, but completely different at the same time. After all, you can't compare apples with apples.

Poignant: Keenly distressing to the feelings.
When you see a true-blooded hipster, they distress you. Why? Because they are so silly and insensible. This distresses the average human.

Amble: To go at a slow, easy pace; stroll; saunter. Or in the case of a horse to go at a slow pace with the legs moving in lateral pairs and usually having a four-beat rhythm. 

Again, the second part of the definition is most accurate. While hipsters will move at an easy pace, they often try and move their legs at the same time while wearing TOMS. This makes them shuffle lots, and look confused as they attempt to put one foot in front of the other. Tripping is frequent. Plus they have horse-faces sometimes.

a. A slaughterhouse.
b. Any place of carnage.
c. Any scene of destruction.
d. Any scene, place, or thing in disorder: 

If you see a person who is in shambles, chances are they are, or used to be a hipster. Their clothing especially makes them look as if they just walked out of a pig slaughterhouse. Sad but true. Oink if you see a hipster in shambles.

Trill: (Of birds, insects, etc.) to sing or utter in a succession of rapidly alternating sounds.

Often this refers to female hipsters. However, male hipsters fall into this category frequently as they are confused about the pitch of their voice. Trilling can be heard while they are ordering Starbucks, listening to their awesome obscure music, or when they say anything in a conversation. Basically, it's all the time, and you feel like you are listening to crickets chirping. I would recommend equipping a bug-zapper.

Now, the normal person Will/Is/Can:

Agreeable: To one's liking; pleasing.

The average person is easy to get along with and can be conversed with normally. Hello, a handshake, and goodbye are common amongst agreeable people.

Walk: To advance or travel on foot at a moderate speed or pace; proceed by steps; move by advancing the feet alternately so that there is always one foot on the ground in bipedal locomotion and two or more feet on the ground in quadrupedal locomotion.
Normal human beings have absolutely no issue with walking. And so they do so. Some even run, which is even more foreign to hipsters.

Intelligent: Having the faculty of reasoning and understanding; possessing knowledge.
Normal people understand reason and have some kind of knowledge. Hipsters do not understand reason, or logic, or possess knowledge of reputable things. This is one of the biggest benchmarks of a normal person.

Well-dressed: Attired in clothing that is of good quality, is properly fitted, and is appropriate and becoming.
Normal people dress appropriately and don't attempt to squeeze their bodies into skinny jeans or wear v-necks that show caved in chests and hollow bones. Normal people also understand when and when not to wear jackets, carry umbrellas, wear glasses, etc. etc.

Move: To advance or progress.

Stuff happens. People get over it. Life goes on. This is a foreign concept for hipsters. For them it's all about KONE 2012 and social justice from a billion years ago when the dinosaurs roamed or Ahab hunted his whale. Also, hipsters stand around a lot and that's why they are the highest at-risk population for being killed by moving vans and heavy machinery.

Generous: Free from meanness or smallness of mind or character.

No, not every normal person is entirely generous, but they are way less selfish and self-absorbed then the hipster. They buy products even if they're not fair-trade or handmade because they believe that $1 an hour is at least better than $0 an hour for someone. And face it, Wal-Mart sells everything, and also has a charity fund so it's win win.

Normal: Usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

The hipster is an aberration of nature. Pretty much anything else is normal. Unless you are Marilyn Manson. 

But that's for another time.

Hopefully you learned some more colourful language today!

Stick around for tomorrow's 101 class on Dictionary Terms.

Guaranteed to enhance your hipster-insult library.

Monday, 28 May 2012

"Individuality": A Hipster Guide to Conformity

Please follow these steps before you continue reading today's blog:

1) Raise your hand if you think that everyone should be their own self-made person, or an 'individual' if you may.

2 ) Now raise your other hand if you believe the best way to be an individual is by going against what everyone else is doing.

3) If you have any hands that have not been raised yet, raise your hand if you realize that this in fact makes you a conformist.

4) If you find that you did not have any hands left to raise on step 3, ball one of your hands into a fist and punch yourself in the head.

You are seriously misguided.

You see, for all of their "intelligence" "wittiness" and "understanding", hipsters fail to grasp a glaring truth about themselves.

They are conformists.


What I have just said strikes a mortal blow into the heart of each and every hipster that walks the face of this planet! Even as I continue to blog there is weeping and gnashing of teeth as the hipsters fall to their knees, ripping their sackcloth v-necks off their bodies and cursing the heavens. Lens-less glasses are perused for "Made in China" symbols and they search their skinny jeans for their "handmade" tags with anguish and anxiety; hoping to find solace in material things that can contradict the evil words I have just written.

 Why? Because the hipster honestly believes that they are unique, different, and completely unlike everyone else. 

They purposefully visit American Apparel, and Urban Underground, spending hundreds of dollars on "thrift-store" looking items that they are reassured are 'one-of-a-kind'. 
They sport their glasses with no lenses, scarves, Toms, and deep v-necks with the honest sincere belief that they are completely different then everyone else. 

I swear every hipster must have diagnosable tunnel vision.
Or perhaps they are just mentally defunct.

Either way, the modern hipster cannot come to grasp with the sad reality that they are not trend setters.
They are not original.
They are not unique.
They are not individuals.

They have become so obsessed with the idea of buying things that will "set themselves apart" that they fail to notice that every other hipster is BUYING THE EXACT SAME THING!!

Wonder why the major retailers have made so much money on stupid hipster clothing?

Huh, go figure....I mean it's not rocket science.

Thus I have come to the understanding that hipsters are laughably stupid.

I feel like the hipster has lost any semblance of higher brain function and only exists as an amoeba-like (read single-celled organism)  parasite feeding on the sentient beings of our universe.

The hipster could not survive without the intelligence of others because they would not understand economics, or capitalism, or religion, or social development, or chaos theory, or even their own words.

But of course this makes perfect sense, because after all the hipster is essentially a basic form of human life. 

Alas, one cannot fault them for being overtly naive, selfish, and unintelligent beings because they do not know any better. Perhaps we should all just feel sorry for them.

I disagree.

We should not feel sorry for them but rather we should eliminate their foolish ways from our society through one of the best tools known to mankind: scorn.

I propose we begin with a "toque ban" which decries that anyone who wears a toque when it is not winter or for a non-functional purpose is allowed to be publicly humiliated, ridiculed, and have stale kelp crackers and fair-trade cookies thrown at them.


I will Care Bear Hug anyone who accomplishes this feat. 

Just saying.