Monday, 19 December 2011

"When in Rome....Punch a Roman in the Face"

Alright so being a huge fan of history and all that jazz my title today is aptly titled. 

First, lets talk about the famous saying "When in as the Romans do".

Well I've got news for you people: this is not Rome.

We do not have to "Do what the Romans do".

We are not sheep.

We are not mindless lemmings.

Now why might I say something like this??

Hmmmm I dunno......could it possibly be that I have come to notice that stupidity is contagious amongst stupid people??

Why yes, that is exactly the reason why.

Stupid people help other stupid people be more stupid.

Or as I like to say "Stupid is as stupid does"
And stupid people is something we could all use a little less of in our lives.

Consider these two examples to understand how this process works:

Example #1

- A person is driving along and sees someone in front of them who abruptly changes lanes without signaling and speeds up. This angers them.

-This person then ends up stuck behind a piece of junk 2007 "Mazda Molasses" that is moving as fast as it's name implies on the highway. This angers them.

-Thus they abruptly change lanes and speed up without signaling because--after all-- that is clearly now acceptable because they saw the person before them just do the same thing.This angers everyone who is not stupid.

-Thus stupidity spawns stupidity, and is caused by stupidity that was present in the moron driving the Mazda. 

Example #2

- A group of 5 people are sitting at a table in a restaurant. One of these people has an extremely loud voice that sounds like the mating call of a beluga whale. This is annoying.

-This one person then yells out their conversation to the rest of the table interspersed with "OMG IT WAS SO FUNNAYYYYY and SO THEN THE OTHER DAY I TOLD MY DAUGHTER BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH". This is even more annoying.

-She is being so loud in her conversation that her friends feel a little overpowered and think that she must be talking loudly because the surrounding restaurant is really loud. This is untrue.

-Her friends then all increase their voices until it sounds like a posse of wailing banshees stuffing their faces with food. The waitress does absolutely nothing and acts like it is completely normal. This is infuriating.

-Thus stupidity spawns stupidity, and is caused by stupidity in the moron waitress who failed to inform the lady that she is yelling like a fire marshal. 

Just because somebody else does something or acts a certain way does NOT mean that you are entitled to do the same thing.
Nor does it mean that it is the proper or right thing to do. 

The excuse "Well they did it" is absolute garbage. 

This is not Rome. We do not do as the Romans do. 

In fact, "When in Rome, you should punch a Roman in the face."

That way, there will be less stupid people in Rome. 

And we all know how much we hate stupid people. 


That is all. 

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Stupid Street Names

Alright so for those of you who already hate driving and bad drivers and the excessive amount of street lights we have, consider something else:

Stupid street names.

Now I know that in most of the civilized world, there are specific numbers and addresses for locations which can then be put into a GPS (or looked up etc.).

This is all fine and dandy until you run into areas that have been designed by city planners who had one too many shots of bourbon before pulling out their designer sheets.

I have this irritation constantly as for some bizarre reason there seems to be a bunch of areas that do NOT have numbers, avenues, or streets. 

Rather they are named after obscure
a) animals
b) trees/plants
c) places
d) objects of no significance

Not only this, but they are grouped together in clusters and run into each other due to winding and twisting roadways, which makes deciphering the maze near impossible

For instance, you are trying to find a school that is obscurely located on "Robin Lane".

Well in driving along you suddenly realize you are on Robin Boulevard, which then turns into Robin Road, Robin Vista, Robin Crescent, Robin Corner, Robin Way, Robin Place, Robin Cove, Robin Street, Robin Nook, Robin Ridge, Robin End.......... Christopher Robin.......Robin Hood.........Red Robin.....finally you think you must have passed all the possible "Robin" names that can be invented, and guess what??

You have!!

But next thing you know, it has switched to a completely different species of bird (that is vaguely similar) Sparrow Road, Sparrow Lane, Sparrow Vista, Sparrow Crescent, Sparrow Corner, Sparrow Way, Bluejay Beauvista (whoa wait where did THAT come from??).

You consider that you must have gone too far and thus turn around, making your drive painstakingly back through the stupid streets to try and find that elusive "Robin Lane". 

You drive through the birds again..... all the bluejays, sparrows, swallows, chickadees, pigeons, hawks, macaws, seagulls, ravens....and every other kind of bird thinkable till.finally you go through the robins.

At this point, you feel like murdering every single species of bird that has ever inhabited the planet in a fit of rage and anger. 

You appreciate those wind farms, oil spills, airplanes,  and glass windows that claim the lives of thousands of birds every year a whole heck of a lot more.

Anyways, you are unable to find this "Robin Lane" and thus give up and drive home. Upon later realization (often when informed by someone else who fell prey to the same problem), Robin Lane is actually the ONE pseudonym that does NOT exist and you just got the wrong address from the person who gave you the directions in the first place.

Why did they give you the wrong address you might ask?? 

Because it's so bloody difficult to keep your head on straight when there are 5,000,000,000 roads that are named after birds in one stupid area.

Whyyyyyy must cruel city planners do this to us?? 
I honestly believe that this stupid street planning is the reason that so many people hate nature and going outside. Because every time they see that poplar tree all they can think about is:

"Man I wish I could cut that tree down and burn it because it reminds me of the time I was trying to find Poplar Place among the pines, spruces, evergreens, willows, oaks, and maples, and couldn't do it. You know what actually let's just burn down all the poplars. Actually lets one up that and burn down all the trees in general"

And yes. I feel this way. 

I sincerely wish that some of these city planners could be taken on a tour or scavenger hunt where they are required to see and find things from all of these ridiculously named areas. 

With no GPS.

With no vehicle.

With no guide.

With no food or water. 

I can guarantee they would not survive. 

Which in the grand scheme of things is probably for the best. 

Seriously, enough with the stupid street names.