Saturday, 15 October 2011

Driving Personalities: 'Ignorant Ian'

Of all the drivers so far, these are probably the people I hate the most.

Why you ask? Well let me tell you.

'Ignorant Ian' is a moron. 100% pure concrete between both ears. 
If life was Lord of the Flies, Ian would be the first person we killed to eat for food because he is of little value to our society.

To put it simply, Ian doesn't know any of the actual the laws of driving. This is what he does:

  • Drives 30 km/h in school zones. Always. Even on weekends and evenings when there is no school.
  • Drives 30 km/h in playground zones. Always. Even when it's pitch black outside. Somehow he is expecting a child to manifest in the dark and hurl their tiny bodies madly onto the road into oncoming traffic.
  • Ignorant Ian honestly believes that a yield sign means stop and hammers on the brakes needlessly
  • Merging into highway traffic which is running at 100 km/h while going 50 km is perfectly acceptable. In fact, Ian thinks that the highway should merge into you instead. Then he has the audacity to give you the finger when you nearly crumple his bumper because of his idiocy.
  • Red means go and green means stop. Always. There is no such thing as yellow lights.
  • Ian is a firm believer in leaving 97 car-lengths between himself and the car in front of him. You know, just in case they decide to slam it into reverse and plow backwards 100 miles an hour at a red light for no reason. Happens all the time.
  • Oh one of my favorites is that Ian believes you MUST drive 30 km whenever you see a police vehicle. It doesn't matter if it's on the other side of the road, it doesn't matter if it doesn't have it's lights on, it doesn't matter if it's observed in a parking lot way out of the way. 30 km. Automatically. You useless bag of dog poop, this is not the way our police laws work. Ugh.
  • Cars are like rowboats and so therefore we should all yield to slower moving traffic and move into the left-hand lane. Especially during rush hour. Because it's way more practical to clog up 18,000 commuters on their way to work rather then inconveniencing 1 slow egghead who is just another 'Ignorant Ian'.
  • Parking over 3 parking stalls when driving a piece of garbage vehicle is perfectly acceptable. In fact, everyone should do it.
  • The lines on the road are more like 'guidelines' and so drifting back and forth is the proper thing to do. In fact, other people should be completely fine with this.
  • Ian believes that having your halogen brights on all day everyday is the best way to make sure other drivers can see your vehicle. Because blinding lights don't cause accidents. Ever. 
Ignorant Ian is an idiot. These people are the reason why I  believe mandatory reviews should be taken on driving laws in order to keep your license. It's not acceptable. If you don't know the laws, don't drive. Stay home and drink some eggnog. Or take the bus. Or else become a pedestrian. Or become dead.


If you foolishly decide to pursue driving in complete ignorance, be prepared to have me (and others) ream you out, make rude gestures, tailgate you, honk endlessly, key your car, throw rotten fruit at you, and purposefully take a sledgehammer to your car after you park it.
And no, we will not feel sorry for you or apologize. You deserve it you ignoramus.

Ignorance is not an excuse.

Be informed or be roadkill.

Good grief.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Driving Personalities: 'Blabbermouth Barbara'

Did any of you watch Glee this week? Or Grey's Anatomy? Or House?? Or maybe you were just raving to each other about that ROFL moment on Big Brother or Bachelor Pad!! Or did you hear the news that the Black Eyed Peas might be breaking up?? Or that Beyonce is pregnant with siamese babies? OR EVEN BETTER....did you hear about the ROYAL COUPLE'S new tour concerning people eating tasty animals?? No??? Well you should have!! In fact you should probably just have a good old sit down and talk about absolutely everything you can possibly think of. Like your kids.....and your spouse's latest battle with elephantitis.....and what you have spent the last 25 years, 2 months, 5 days, 7 hours, 26 minutes, 43 seconds, and 92 milliseconds doing. 

In fact you should basically 'tweet' your life out verbally.

Oh and make sure you narrate it with lots of hand gestures and "quotation" marks so people don't somehow misunderstand what you're saying. It's a well known fact that a plethora of hand gestures makes your English better!!! And make sure you speak at a voluble level. In fact you should speak so loud that every man, woman and child in China can hear your conversation. And that's gotta be good enough that it looks like you're drowning in an ocean waving for rescue.

Obviously this should only take place in your vehicle.

While you are driving.

With 5 friends. 

On the highway.

In rush hour.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet 'Blabbermouth Barbara'. 

Pretty self-explanatory.... but this is the person who just never shuts up while driving.

They take their hands off the steering wheel and attempt driving with their knees while they tell a grand story with their hands about how they survived Y2K or saw Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the superbowl. You know, super exciting high quality stuff.

All of the blabbermouth's friends then giggle like little schoolgirls who have just eaten a delicious pack of licorice on a sunny day. "Teeheehee Barbara you're so darn funny!!" or...."Tell another stupid story Barbara you're just killing it today!!"

I do not laugh.

I reach for my crossbow.

If you want to talk about your life story, pull over and have a pow-wow in the shoulder (actually please do because then I can run you over like a gopher and not even feel a little bit sad). 
Or perhaps.....hmmmm I dunno.....go be one of those 'Desperate Housewives' in Starbucks (see previous rant on Starbucks for clarification). 
At least you are not on the road endangering the lives of the average citizen. With your fat mouth. Zip it Barb.

Also.....cell phones....while I get why some people talk on them....'Blabbermouth Barbara' utilizes them for useless conversation. I know this for a fact because I am an expert at lip-reading. 
My favourite is when I stopped at a red light and I decide to figure out what the person in the car next to me is talking about. You know, just for kicks and giggles. I figure it must be pretty important because of how animated she looks.

Lima beans.
She was talking about lima beans and how they are different in colour then other beans.

Oh my lanta

I really really really really really really really wish I could cast spells like Harry Potter. 
Cruciatus Curse sounds great to me.
Actually no......Avada Kedavra is more appropriate.
Anything to shut these blabbermouths up.

Seriously,get off the  road.
Or else prepare yourself for that crossbow bolt in your brain.

Grahhhh so frustrating!!

And that's The Daily Ranter

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Driving Personalities: 'Manic Melanie'

I hate 'Manic Melanie'

These are those kind of people that you never fully understand when you are driving. 'Manic Melanie' either suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder (which is tragic) or is just a Grade A moron (more likely).

She (or he, but for easiness I will use 'her'. Maybe I should use it...? Anyways...) will do the following things which aggravate the heck out of me:
  1. Change lanes spontaneously for no reason. Right into you. And without signalling. Hey Melanie....your exit isn't for another 1,279 km honey. Completely unnecessary. Stupid head.
  2. She will speed up, slow down, then slam on the brakes as if following a vehicle. However, this only occurs when there is no vehicle in front of her. There is not a leprechaun on her shoulder telling her "Ok now speed up by 8...slow down by 12.....ok QUICK SPEED UP AGAIN....." Or maybe there is??
  3. They will roll their eyes back in their head savagely as you pass them and foam at the mouth with anger. They will then flip the bird at you because they are peeved. Nobody knows why they are peeved.....but they just are. (Which by the way is one of the symptoms that somebody is either taking a lot of steroidal hormones or suffering from Rabies.)
  4. Manic Melanie will inexplicably drive slow when it is sunny and dry, and speed when it is icy and snowing, and treat yield signs and merge signs as stop signs. Again, the only potential reason being that she is completely psychotic. Or maybe a chronic drunk. Hmmm.
  5. They believe traffic circles exist solely for the purpose of driving around aimlessly in circles. In the outside lane. Illegally.
  6. They lack the concept of 'responsible driving'. Manic Melanie is always the first person involved in the scene of an accident. Coincidentally they are also the first person to keep on driving away from said accident. The first person to get arrested. The first person to swear at the involved people. The first person to lose their temper. The first person to scream needlessly. The first person to lie to the police officer. And of course.....the first person to blame their invisible friend in the passenger seat for causing the accident because they had to change their adult diaper.Never, unfortunately, are they the first person to die at the scene of the accident.

Melanie....go see a psychiatrist baby.
It's all in your's all in your head.....

But let's get real here.

When I see these people out on the roads I truly wish I was driving a Tank. 
A really large German Tiger Tank. 
With a machine gun nest and strips of tacks to throw on the road. 

Then I could just roll up behind Manic Melanie and squish her into a flattened disk on the road. Actually if you think about it, this would save money on tar-filler and repavement. 

Or else next time I see you, I will personally track you down and bring "Smiley" my friendly crowbar and go Pompeii on your car as you sleep inside. Good luck driving your scrap metal Acura to work tomorrow sweetie.

Just saying.

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Driving Personalities: 'Fat Freddy'

I dislike Fat Freedy. Straight up.

However, on top of being terrible drivers, 'Fat Freddy's' are just revolting in almost every aspect.

These are the people who frequently brake and drive slowly no matter what lane they're in. You can point out a 'Fat Freddy' when you drive by therm and you see they have their hand stuffed deep into a fast food bag and they are ramming onion rings into their gullet while driving. 

The grease just runs down their faces onto their clothes as they chew gluttonously with satisfied smiles on their faces. 

Nomnomnom there is nothing but them and their next heart attack!
Grease stains are the new hipster clothes!
Fast food makes you popular! 

They never have more than 1 hand on the steering wheel at any point in time because of the need to constantly rummage around for more food or occasionally wipe away their slobber onto the seat next to them. Consequently, they struggle with keeping an eye on the road and driving in a straight line. This is hazardous for regular folk.


Let's be realistic here though, 'Fat Freddy' is not always a fat or obese person. In fact, quite often it is just a disgusting skinny slob (man or woman) who should be obese but for some unexplainable reason is not. Why slobs get good genes is beyond me. And plus, how come they can't also have a gene for good driving skills? I firmly believe non-disgusting people are better drivers.

Look, there's a place and a time for shoving gooey pastries and fistfuls of french fries into your gaping mouth, that would would be called "dinner-time". Or perhaps "last meal on death row" time. Do not be revolting and lather yourself with fast food and grease in your vehicle while chewing with your mouth open to the world. We can see digestion occurring in your mouth

Fact: Cars do not make you invisible.

Fat Freddy's are extremely unpredictable drivers and drive hazardously slow. They also have a bad habit of not signalling when changing lanes because it takes too much effort to lift their fat fingers out of the McDonald's bag over to the signal button. It is obviously wayyyyyy more important to scavenge for the last fry at the bottom of the fast food bag.

Again, gross.

So when you see these people I have discovered a technique that works really well to bring them into reality quickly.

Here's what you do:

Get into the lane next to them and slow down to their speed. Then look over at them and make fat disgusting rude faces and lean on your horn for about 30 seconds. If you really want to go all out, roll your window down and yell at them in Latin or German (or another angry sounding language).

Or just make a witty sign with a slogan that says something like: "2 Hands saves lives: Eat those fries and Jimmy dies."

Let's rid the roads 1 Fat Freddy at a time.


Monday, 10 October 2011

Driving Personalities: 'Soccer Mom Susan'

If you get road rage easily when driving high five yourself right now.
Actually take one hand, and give your other hand a hand-hug.
In fact you should probably just let out a giant lion-like roar and yell “ I HATE BAD DRIVERS.”

Trust me, it relieves stress. I just did it.

Anyways, this week the focus is on what I like to call “Driving Personalities”. Similar to the different types of people you see in Starbucks on a given day, driving personalities are different types of people you see out on the road driving. Today we deal with a favourite of many suburbanites:

Soccer Mom Susan.

Soccer Mom Susan is given away first and foremost by her minivan. Now when I say minivan, we’re not talking a cute little vehicle that has a lot of seats, flip down TV’s, and sliding doors.

When I say minivan we’re talking about a rampant, whirling dervish, gasoline ball, of potential death and destruction. Usually a Dodge Caravan.

Soccer Mom Susan is always swerving wildly back and forth on the road (as if drunk) and is constantly changing lanes without signalling. Through the back window you see upwards of 7 faces smeared against the window in a sweaty mess. Then suddenly you see hands on the window....then feet.....then a sneaker comes rocketing out of the window (which you promptly have to dodge to avoid windshield damage).....then you see clothes flying around......and if you’re SUPER lucky and have your windows down, you hear an inhumane screaming noise coming from the interior. becomes clear what we have here. A herd of mad-eyed hyenas in a minivan. Cute.

You drive by and you see the following in the hazy mist of the Dodge Caravan:

  • Soccer Mom Susan is using one hand to frantically talk on her cell phone to Andy’s parents because the little hyena crapped his shorts in her van's backseat. (Curse you Andy).
  • The other hand is stuffed backwards in the van holding a crate of oranges for the kids to savagely devour
  • Susan is constantly looking sideways and backwards as she tries to keep her eyes on the kids who are ricocheting off the sides of the van because they are not wearing seat belts.
  • There is usually a small ugly dog on her lap. Otherwise it’s a small ugly child.
  • Being an avid soccer-mom, she is sportily-dressed wearing LuLu Lemon pants, some brightly coloured shirt and a headband. All slightly discoloured because she wears the same stuff every time there is a soccer game. Which is somehow every day. 
She is just out of control. 

Now I can’t say that it is entirely Susan’s fault that she is a bad driver, however it is ENTIRELY Susan’s fault that she is bad at handling children.

And bad at watching where she is going.
And bad at caring for child safety.
And bad at stopping.
And bad at respecting the speed laws.
And bad at pretty much everything to do with driving actually.

In fact I take back my earlier statement:

It is entirely Susan’s fault.

Look, the solution to this is pretty simple:

Honestly. Just hire a bus for the year. Or a taxi. Or even make the kids ride their bikes for once in their lives.

Guns don’t kill people.....Soccer Mom Susan kills people.


That is all.

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Thanksgiving: 15 Things I am Thankful For

I rant a lot. So today it will be a little tamer as I share with you the 15 things I am thankful for on Thanksgiving:

 1.     I am thankful I have not lost a limb in a ‘tragic lawnmower accident’ and become a poster child for the War Amps. 

2.       I am thankful that I don’t drive like a mentally incompetent loser. 

3.       I am thankful for owning pets that have never tried to kill me in my sleep. 

4.       I am thankful that I have learned how to properly use a stand-up urinal. 

5.       I am thankful that I understand how to dress myself properly and don’t act pretentious about what I wear towards other people. 

6.       I am thankful that I have never barfed, pooped, and laughed at the same time. 

7.       I am thankful that I don’t buy ‘organic’ food just to make myself feel better about paying more money for the same products. 

8.       I am thankful that I live somewhere that is absent of hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes (mostly), starvation, and those freaky little poisonous animals that feast on your flesh and simultaneously kill you. 

9.       I am thankful that I am not allergic to 9,147 things that prevent me from enjoying life. 

10.   I am thankful that I am not a Siamese twin, I probably would have murdered my other half at some point already. 

11.   I am thankful that I am frugal with my money and don’t spend it needlessly the nanosecond a new piece of technology comes out (ooh look, Iphone824G!) 

12.   I am thankful that I understand the concepts of proper exercise protocol and don’t mutilate my cartilage and joints when working out. 

13.   I am thankful that I am not a used car salesman, plumber, or professional organizer, because that would be a waste of my life. 

14.   I am thankful that I have never met Margaret Atwood because I feel like we could never be anything but worst enemies. 

15.   I am thankful that Leif Ericson (not Columbus you fools) discovered America and allowed for my sweet family and friends to have a place to live and grow up.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!
Well....unless you’re not Canadian.....then Happy Thanksgiving anyways!!