Friday, 25 November 2011

At the Gym: This is Not a Pig Pen

Alright, so being the type of person who goes to the gym (as in multipurpose recreation workout centre), for the purpose of exercise (not for stupid conversations), I have stumbled upon all manner of cretins.

1) a person suffering from cretinism
2) a stupid, obtuse, or mentally defective person

It seems that the current "Jersey Shore" phenomenon has attracted some serious cretins to the exercise centre. 

And yes I mean extremely dumb, low-key, unintelligent, degenerate, base, drooling, human slug-brains. 

The next while will be spent on the things that I have noticed over my time in the gym, feel free to enlighten me on any additional people I miss out (but wait at least a week because goodness there are lots of stupid people at the gym). 

So anyways, today I'm at the gym in the zone, getting my workout done when I hear this loud squealing noise.

Now when I say squealing, I'm not talking baby-squealing.......this was more of an animalistic squeal.

Like a grunt given by an elephant in labour mixed with a noise to be expected from a constipated seal who is having problems with it's sphincter control.

In fact, it sounded just like a pig.

A really loud, obnoxious, dirty, human, pig.

I was actually frightened. 
For a moment I thought that perhaps a terrible accident had occured at the zoo and the animals escaped and were loose in town and had broken in and were terrorizing people. (This is due to the fact that lions and tigers and monkeys have escaped before and caused havoc in many small towns.....see Google for some amusing stories.

Anyways, I quickly realized the following facts: 
  • I do not live close to a zoo.
  • We do not have pigs in our zoo.
  • There is no way a pig physically could have broken into the workout centre and somehow made it up the stairs and into the general space past 5,000 people. (number greatly exaggerated here).
Conclusion: This pig is a person.

So, I gaze around for the perp of this disgusting animalistic noise and discover: GASP!

A douchebag.

Well surprise surprise Batman (somehow not surprising whatsoever). 

What was surprising was the fact that this was a guy doing the bench press and he was having a friend of his spot him while lifting. He was bench pressing 135 lbs (that is 1- 45 lb plate on either side of the barbell fyi).

Ok, that part is fine, in fact I applaud him for doing that amount of weight with decent form because he looked like he weighed 150 lbs. 

BUT, as I watched him do his reps, he began this screaming, grunting, squealing noise as he pushed the weight up and down. 
His face turned tomato red and he looked like he had to pound out a growler super bad (if you don't understand this term, I suggest you are better off not knowing. I thank a good friend of mine for this terminology.)

The sound was so loud it echoed across the entire gym and was super distracting. Heads turned. The ladies were not impressed. (By the way never P.O. the ladies at the gym who are actually there to workout because they are nooooooot happy campers).


Seriously dude. 

Obviously someone has never informed this mentally obtuse individual that screaming like a pig does not help you accomplish anything. 
I can understand if he was breathing heavily or even gasping a little bit because yes....there is some evidence that a little bit of a grunt (pushing air out) can help you lift heavy weights.

But that would be like 225 lbs.
At least. 
AND it would still not be a yelping sound that makes it sound as though a herd of pigs have just been victimized by an angry farmer with a whipping cane.

Let's get real here, the gym is not a pig pen.

Yes.....I have grunted before. I'll admit it.
No......I have never done it louder then an F-35 fighter jet doing a flyover at 500 feet. 

Stop it.

Or else I will come over and drop my dumbbells on your head and squish you into the ground. 

So annoying. 

That is all.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

The Santa Rap Rant

Christmas is approaching and I am already annoyed with people who refuse to wish you "Merry Christmas" and instead say "Happy Holidays". 
Are you kidding me? St. Patrick's Day and Halloween and Easter and Remembrance Day are all holidays. 
Do we say "Happy Holidays on those days??

No. We don't.

So cut it out with the "Happy Holidays".
And also with the Santa.

Santa was not born on Christmas Day and is not the purpose of Christmas, despite what Hallmark would have you believe.
If you honestly think that, I seriously suggest you go do some research to further your knowledge of World Religions, religious holidays, and Hallmark's policy of selling $5.00 cards.

Anyways, here is my tongue in cheek rap concerning Santa Clause. 
If you can't get the tune, bully for you. But it is rapped. (had to resist using the pun: wrapped, just saying).
And actually I'd be more then happy to rap it out for you because even rapping requires melody, not the ability to be in tune or sing--which I can't do.


The Santa Rap

Yo we’ve heard ‘bout bad boy Santa and his Christmass-ing ways
His swiggin’ of the eggnog and his stupid reindeer games
His nice list, his not list,
His cacophony of boxes; an’ just to top it
He’s not even a saint; little red, a little large but this fool he just ain't,

No he ain’t even real; turns out he's just a laminate,
A painted perty picture of a fatty that we hate
So we beat him to the ground watch that big red suit turn brown,
Then we strip him of his reindeer and we kick 'im outta town.

We gather up his elves (with them hats, all those fools)
And his wife and his boots, and all them silly little tools
We lock ‘em to a pole way out there in the snow
That’s NORTH Pole—THE ICECAP --we never let ’em go
Leave ‘em with a ghetto blaster blarin’ Christmas tunes
RU-dolph, some Sleigh -Waltz, some Inner city Blues

No we won’t even feel sad, not a bit
Not a lot, Santa’s just a kiddy fad
A PRE-tend, UN-real, Coca-Cola ad
So we stick it to the man,
And this Christmas just got better,
Don’t gotta waste the paper writin’ out that silly letter

Cuz this whole crazy Santa thing just ain’t in style
Celebratin’ Christmas for him man we’d miss it by a mile;
I mean the reason: the season, no it ain’t just about smiles
Or good elves, or bad elves, or focusing on ourselves

Forget that bad boy Santa and his Christmass-ing ways,
Learn about the purpose: just why we celebrate,
That’s purpose--not porpoise--makes sense yes of course it does!
So get those silly Santa thoughts pushed out of your way,
And have yourself a HA-ppy, a SNA-ppy, a blessed Christmas Day!

Monday, 21 November 2011

Hearing Aids are Not Cellphones

Today I shall attempt to humour you with the lighter side of life.

Sort of.

The ignorance of some people astounds me.

For those of you who don't know this story let me enlighten you briefly.

I was waiting to talk to a teacher at the end of class and felt the watchful stare of a girl next to me.
Not wanting to appear rude, and curious as to what her problem was I asked her if she needed something.
She shook her head and stared at me with a glazed expression and exclaimed: "Those are SO COOL! I wish I had CELLPHONES like that!!!"

I was completely baffled as to what she was talking about, however after noticing that she was staring at my ears (I wear hearing aids see), I ascertained that she must have thought my hearing aids were cellphones.


I was actually at a loss for words and the only thing I could respond with in my lethargic shock was "..........they're not cell phones.....they're hearing aids......"

Oh but of course she just ignored my statement and said: "Seriously, coolest cell phones ever!!"


It would be like if I told a person in a wheelchair that I thought their bicycle was super cool.
Complete surrealism.

However, upon further reflection I realized that many people are ignorant about hearing aids.

Here are some of the things that people believe about hearing aids that I have heard from ACTUAL people in my life. Think carefully about the stupidity of some of these comments:
  1. You can hear the radio with them.
  2. They help you "hear colours".
  3. You can hear martian sounds.
  4. They are calibrated to hear frequencies ordinary humans can't hear, such as bats, dragonflies, and dolphins.
  5. They are cellphones.
  6. People with hearing aids have their own tone that is sounded at crosswalks that only they can hear that helps them cross safely (think hard about that one).
  7. Hearing aids work on the concept of "echo-location" and sonar.
  8. The sound we hear is not real sound, and people sound like C-3P0 from Star Wars.
  9. Everyone with hearing aids is connected on a "hearing-aid wifi" (for serious).
  10. That hearing aids make their own sounds and can be personalized.
  11. Hearing aids can electrically shock you.
  12. They give you super-hearing if you can already hear and you wear them.
  13. They can store change.
  14. They can be used as two-way radios.
  15. If they work on animals.
  16. They come with cool accessories like silver plating.
  17. The hearing aids contain locators in case I lose one.
  18. What would happen if they were buried under sand. (Really....??)
  19. Fully deaf people are magically healed by hearing aids.
  20. If I would be better off without them because I would be more deaf.
And many many many many many other things.

I know ignorance is bliss but.....really??

I feel like some people lack common sense and should probably get a brain scan.
The answer to all of the above questions is no. And if you bury them in sand you would a) lose them and b) they would get filled with sand and c) break.


Seriously people, learn about some things before asking such silly questions!!

Hahahahaha see me laughing??



Sunday, 20 November 2011

Spitting is for Uncivilized Humans

Ok so I'm walking along behind a person taking my dog for a walk.

No big deal.

It's kind of cold outside, and I'm feeling a little grumpy due to being sick.

And so I'm just lost in thought, spurring my dog onwards through the cold when all of a sudden I hear this disgusting slurping/sucking snot noise in front of me.

I realize that it is coming from the man in front of me who has fully stopped walking in order to spit a huge ball of snot/mucus/spit from his mouth onto the sidewalk. 

The public sidewalk.
That people walk on.
People like me.

I walked slowly up to the area and noticed a disgusting yellow splotch of human intestinal remains on the sidewalk and deftly maneuvered my dog off the sidewalk around it.

The man kept walking as if nothing had happened, and continued to stop every 20 feet or so and spit a loogie on the sidewalk. Which I had to continuously step around.


Is it really that important for you to clean your orifices outside on the public sidewalk?? 
Do you actually think the whole world consists only of you Mr. Selfish-blob?

While you're at it sir, why don't you just pull down your pants and take a dump on the sidewalk so we can all enjoy the sight and stench of it while simultaneously almost stepping in it.

I mean you might as well, it's the same idea.
And after all, you are clearly the only person that matters in the world.

Seriously, this is just disgusting. At least have the decency and consideration to spit or deposit your slimy nostril and throat fluid into the snowbank NEXT to the sidewalk.
And maybe you should consider if other people are around you while you are doing it.
At the very least.

Nothing makes you seem like more of an unintelligent neanderthal then spitting continuously because you haven't learned how to swallow your spit properly (unless it's being a hipster). 

Can't you possibly have tissue to spit in? Or even a bottle for crying out loud.
Nobody wants to hear or see you spitting up bile and discovering what colour the last thing you ate or drank was.

Would you like to see me just throw up on the ground and leave it there? 
No of course not.
If you actually would, then you should seek therapeutic help because you are mentally deranged.

It's not that difficult to refrain from spitting in public and it is completely unnecessary to do so onto objects or the ground. 
Use a garbage bin, use your hand, use a bottle, use your sleeve, use a handkerchief, or just don't do it at all.

I firmly believe that there should be a bylaw for humans picking up their spit.
I mean we are required to clean up after our dogs and if you walk around spitting everywhere, you pretty much are a dog.

Spitting is for uncivilized humans.
Stop it.

Or I will call animal services and request you be tranquilized and impounded.