Tuesday, 29 May 2012

"Hipster Spotting 100": A Dictionary Guide to Spotting Hipsters


Please utilize this useful beginner's dictionary to know the difference between a hipster and a non-hipster:

A Hipster Will/Is/Can:

Sway: To move or swing to and fro, as something fixed at one end or resting on a support

Hipsters believe life should break around them like water on a rock. Thus hipsters will often change opinions, clothes, glasses, shoes, spouses, and cutlery. However they suck at swaying others in any capacity.

Shuffle: To move clumsily

Hipsters often run into immovable objects due to over utilization of their Ipad's and sheer stupidity. Clumsy, just like a cow with 2 legs.

Loaf:  To lounge or saunter lazily and idly. OR the rounded head of a cabbage, lettuce, etc.

While it's common knowledge that they are lazy, bovine, and waste time, it is much more interesting to note that they all do have cabbage-like heads. This is an extremely helpful identifier.

Meander: To wander aimlessly; ramble.

This term refers to the movement of the hipsters' mouth and their ridiculous ideas. Talk to one and you quickly learn the technique of smiling and nodding while not listening at all. Nobody cares, and they forget what they just said anyways.

Philistine: A person who is lacking in or hostile or smugly indifferent to cultural values, intellectual pursuits, aesthetic refinement, etc., or is contentedly commonplace in ideas and tastes.
The definition says it all. Hipsters are Philistines in every respect. Unfortunately they are unaware of society's rejection of them. This is sad. Stoning of Philistines was common in ancient times.

Narcissistic: Having an undue fascination with oneself; vain.

While everyone is vain to an extent, hipsters are exclusively vain. They don't care who you are, what you wear, or what you say because, after all, that takes away from them as being the best individuals ever.

Perplexed: Complicated; involved; entangled.

Nothing is simple for a hipster. Not even saying hello to somebody, or ordering black coffee. There is always 'more than meets the eye' with them. Which is eerily similar to Emo people, but completely different at the same time. After all, you can't compare apples with apples.

Poignant: Keenly distressing to the feelings.
When you see a true-blooded hipster, they distress you. Why? Because they are so silly and insensible. This distresses the average human.

Amble: To go at a slow, easy pace; stroll; saunter. Or in the case of a horse to go at a slow pace with the legs moving in lateral pairs and usually having a four-beat rhythm. 

Again, the second part of the definition is most accurate. While hipsters will move at an easy pace, they often try and move their legs at the same time while wearing TOMS. This makes them shuffle lots, and look confused as they attempt to put one foot in front of the other. Tripping is frequent. Plus they have horse-faces sometimes.

a. A slaughterhouse.
b. Any place of carnage.
c. Any scene of destruction.
d. Any scene, place, or thing in disorder: 

If you see a person who is in shambles, chances are they are, or used to be a hipster. Their clothing especially makes them look as if they just walked out of a pig slaughterhouse. Sad but true. Oink if you see a hipster in shambles.

Trill: (Of birds, insects, etc.) to sing or utter in a succession of rapidly alternating sounds.

Often this refers to female hipsters. However, male hipsters fall into this category frequently as they are confused about the pitch of their voice. Trilling can be heard while they are ordering Starbucks, listening to their awesome obscure music, or when they say anything in a conversation. Basically, it's all the time, and you feel like you are listening to crickets chirping. I would recommend equipping a bug-zapper.

Now, the normal person Will/Is/Can:

Agreeable: To one's liking; pleasing.

The average person is easy to get along with and can be conversed with normally. Hello, a handshake, and goodbye are common amongst agreeable people.

Walk: To advance or travel on foot at a moderate speed or pace; proceed by steps; move by advancing the feet alternately so that there is always one foot on the ground in bipedal locomotion and two or more feet on the ground in quadrupedal locomotion.
Normal human beings have absolutely no issue with walking. And so they do so. Some even run, which is even more foreign to hipsters.

Intelligent: Having the faculty of reasoning and understanding; possessing knowledge.
Normal people understand reason and have some kind of knowledge. Hipsters do not understand reason, or logic, or possess knowledge of reputable things. This is one of the biggest benchmarks of a normal person.

Well-dressed: Attired in clothing that is of good quality, is properly fitted, and is appropriate and becoming.
Normal people dress appropriately and don't attempt to squeeze their bodies into skinny jeans or wear v-necks that show caved in chests and hollow bones. Normal people also understand when and when not to wear jackets, carry umbrellas, wear glasses, etc. etc.

Move: To advance or progress.

Stuff happens. People get over it. Life goes on. This is a foreign concept for hipsters. For them it's all about KONE 2012 and social justice from a billion years ago when the dinosaurs roamed or Ahab hunted his whale. Also, hipsters stand around a lot and that's why they are the highest at-risk population for being killed by moving vans and heavy machinery.

Generous: Free from meanness or smallness of mind or character.

No, not every normal person is entirely generous, but they are way less selfish and self-absorbed then the hipster. They buy products even if they're not fair-trade or handmade because they believe that $1 an hour is at least better than $0 an hour for someone. And face it, Wal-Mart sells everything, and also has a charity fund so it's win win.

Normal: Usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

The hipster is an aberration of nature. Pretty much anything else is normal. Unless you are Marilyn Manson. 

But that's for another time.

Hopefully you learned some more colourful language today!

Stick around for tomorrow's 101 class on Dictionary Terms.

Guaranteed to enhance your hipster-insult library.

Monday, 28 May 2012

"Individuality": A Hipster Guide to Conformity

Please follow these steps before you continue reading today's blog:

1) Raise your hand if you think that everyone should be their own self-made person, or an 'individual' if you may.

2 ) Now raise your other hand if you believe the best way to be an individual is by going against what everyone else is doing.

3) If you have any hands that have not been raised yet, raise your hand if you realize that this in fact makes you a conformist.

4) If you find that you did not have any hands left to raise on step 3, ball one of your hands into a fist and punch yourself in the head.

You are seriously misguided.

You see, for all of their "intelligence" "wittiness" and "understanding", hipsters fail to grasp a glaring truth about themselves.

They are conformists.


What I have just said strikes a mortal blow into the heart of each and every hipster that walks the face of this planet! Even as I continue to blog there is weeping and gnashing of teeth as the hipsters fall to their knees, ripping their sackcloth v-necks off their bodies and cursing the heavens. Lens-less glasses are perused for "Made in China" symbols and they search their skinny jeans for their "handmade" tags with anguish and anxiety; hoping to find solace in material things that can contradict the evil words I have just written.

 Why? Because the hipster honestly believes that they are unique, different, and completely unlike everyone else. 

They purposefully visit American Apparel, and Urban Underground, spending hundreds of dollars on "thrift-store" looking items that they are reassured are 'one-of-a-kind'. 
They sport their glasses with no lenses, scarves, Toms, and deep v-necks with the honest sincere belief that they are completely different then everyone else. 

I swear every hipster must have diagnosable tunnel vision.
Or perhaps they are just mentally defunct.

Either way, the modern hipster cannot come to grasp with the sad reality that they are not trend setters.
They are not original.
They are not unique.
They are not individuals.

They have become so obsessed with the idea of buying things that will "set themselves apart" that they fail to notice that every other hipster is BUYING THE EXACT SAME THING!!

Wonder why the major retailers have made so much money on stupid hipster clothing?

Huh, go figure....I mean it's not rocket science.

Thus I have come to the understanding that hipsters are laughably stupid.

I feel like the hipster has lost any semblance of higher brain function and only exists as an amoeba-like (read single-celled organism)  parasite feeding on the sentient beings of our universe.

The hipster could not survive without the intelligence of others because they would not understand economics, or capitalism, or religion, or social development, or chaos theory, or even their own words.

But of course this makes perfect sense, because after all the hipster is essentially a basic form of human life. 

Alas, one cannot fault them for being overtly naive, selfish, and unintelligent beings because they do not know any better. Perhaps we should all just feel sorry for them.

I disagree.

We should not feel sorry for them but rather we should eliminate their foolish ways from our society through one of the best tools known to mankind: scorn.

I propose we begin with a "toque ban" which decries that anyone who wears a toque when it is not winter or for a non-functional purpose is allowed to be publicly humiliated, ridiculed, and have stale kelp crackers and fair-trade cookies thrown at them.


I will Care Bear Hug anyone who accomplishes this feat. 

Just saying.

Thursday, 24 May 2012

"Organic Food": A Hipster Guide to Eating

Let's be honest here, we all love grocery shopping. 

I mean, almost nothing is better then walking into a grocery store with money to spend on food and having the absolute power to choose whatever you want to buy. Cookies? Done. Cheesecake? Done. Bacon-wrapped scallops? Done. Sardines? Done

Now of course the wise health nutritionists and people involved in healthy living studies recommend that one should never shop on an empty stomach. Shopping while hungry causes people to binge eat on unhealthy foods they would never normally buy; therefore one should always buy their groceries when full. (Fun fact).

Not doing so causes you to be irrational in your food selection.

Hipsters however are always irrational in their food selection, so this concept doesn't even matter.

Hipsters walk into a grocery store and avoid absolutely everything it has to offer. They trundle in their moccasins or bare feet and slouched toques towards the only aisle that carries any meaning in their eating-related life: "Organic Foods".

If you recall my last blog, you may recall me mentioning their strange fascination with 'naturalistic things' and the stupidity of their beliefs.
Well my friends, organic food is another very real reflection of the sad stupidity of hipsters.

(I'll give you a moment here to shed a tear for their lack of I.Q.)

Hipsters are under the impression that they are better then the rest of us because they only eat "natural non-pesticide" induced foods that are "hand-grown and harvested" blah blah blah blah blah etc. etc. 

That's right. They think they are better than you. 

Fact: They are wrong.

You see, hipsters are so obsessed with the idea of being trendy environmentalist peace puppies that they fail to see that they are victims of an economic capitalistic market which is making millions of dollars off of people like them.

Case in point: Organic Apples.

Now take a regular apple. A regular apple is grown in an apple tree orchard. 
On a tree. 
Often in a field.  
With a lot of other apple trees.

Wherever you have a large mass of vegetation present, you are also going to have bugs, insects and other pests that are present. Thus, logically, those who plant and harvest apples use pesticides and fertilizers to protect as much of their crop as possible. If they lose too much of their crop they are not able to take as many apples to market. Then they lose money. Then poor little Christina Simpson starves to death.

Whatever you may personally believe about pesticides on fruits and vegetables, the fact is that any residual pesticides are in trace amounts. I compare this to the myth about gasoline destroying brain cells:

You would have to sniff a pan full of gasoline every day, all day, for 7 years before any brain damage occurred AND anything that happened would be minimal. 

Plus, all of our food must pass food inspection by which pesticide levels must be acceptable.

Now let's look at the hipster-fetish grown "organic apples". An organic apple is also a regular apple grown in an apple tree orchard.
On a tree. 
In a field.
With a lot of other apple trees.

Here is where hipsters are morons: ORGANIC FOODS ARE STILL SPRAYED WITH PESTICIDES! However, all the pesticides and fertilizers are of animal or vegetable origin (usually animal).

Often times these organic pesticides are just as bad for humans as any of the other chemical pesticides.

And not only that, but these "organic" apple orchard farmers are smart and grow BOTH "regular" and "organic" apples in the same field! And they sell their "organic apples" for double the price because they have discovered (lo and behold) that some moronic people in society will actually BUY the darn things!!

That would be the moronic genre known as hipsters thank you very much.

They flock to the grocery store in droves, sweating through their deep v-neck t-shirts and fake glasses to crowd around all of the organic products. You can hear them squealing in satisfaction as they furiously stuff organic foods into their cart, giving superior looks to the inferior specimens of humanity who are buying "regular food".

You see, as I said before hipsters are entirely selfish human beings
They are perfectly willing to make their pathetic lives better by paying up to double the amount of money for the exact same product.

Why? Not because they actually care about the environment or the organic food. Child please, that is a complete joke. All they care about is patting themselves on the backs and celebrating by using the "high-five app" on their Ipad2's.

So if you want to be a hipster, ditch anything and everything that is not organic.






These people need a serious experience with a gypsy caravan in the middle of the Sahara Desert. 
No organic food? Fine, that's one less person everyone else in the caravan has to worry about. 

I feel like hipsters would be the first person to die in the popular computer game 'Oregon Trail'
I can see it now: "Michael "Hipster" Satterthwaite has died from dysentery."

You choose not to stop your wagon and bury him but rather throw him off the back and wagon ho!! 
I mean really, if he only wants organic food he doesn't deserve to even be on the trip in the first place.

Sorry bro.

So if you see your friendly neighborhood hipster in the organic food aisle, stop by and give them a hearty hello.

Then take their organic bag of croutons and shove them down their throat. You could even yell "FOR SPARTA" as I think that would be a nice touch.

*Sigh* their irrationality and stupidity is saddening.

I pity them.

I hate them.

I rant about them.

That is all.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

"Grounding": A Hipster Guide to Getting Hepatitis

So I've been gone for a while which is true. I have done some soul searching, thinking, and spent time writing in many other capacities. I have even created a long list of rants which will now follow on my blog. 
Consider it time that I have spent "looking into myself".

Which is a complete hipster thing to say.

This week will focus on such stupid narcissistic things that hipsters will do in order to a) feel better about their pathetic lives and b) draw attention to themselves because they were neglected as babies.

Today I would like to bring up a fad that many of you may have noticed recently.


You see, there is a growing epidemic of people who have a firm held belief that not wearing shoes out and about creates a more 'natural' connection between oneself and Mother Nature. The energy flows (basically the Force from Star Wars) is felt when one has nothing but their nude feet slapping against every surface possible.....gravel, concrete, grass, tile, carpet, hardwood etc....

These hipsters show off their naked feet with pride while simultaneously displaying their uncut toenails, blackened feet, and the plethora of diseases that they have contracted. 

In order to better understand how to be a hipster and participate in the newest fad of "grounding" here is a step-by-step process on how to do it.
  1. Take all your shoes (even your Toms) and throw them in the trash. You do not need them. Even if you work in the construction business. 
  2. Take all your long pants and also throw them in the trash. Why? Because in order to display your awesome bare feet to the world you must wear capris or shorts, otherwise nobody will notice. If nobody notices, you are not hipster enough.
  3. Stop showering. Nothing says "Bona-fide grounded hipster" more than someone who proudly displays how dirty they are. Dirtiness says that you are a self-made person and you ENJOY the grime and grease that is on your body because it is 'natural'. 
  4. Practice Earth Worship. After all, if you're going to participate in grounding you have to have a reason. Clearly the only one that makes sense is to blather on about 'Earth energy flows' and 'naturalistic movements from Mother Nature". Saying that it 'feels good' will not convince enough people you are cool. Again, if you can't convince people it's awesome, you have failed.
  5. Ignore civilized people. Even if someone mentions that you just stepped in a pile of dog crap, or that you are bleeding profusely from your feet, just tell them that you don't care because it'll just scab up, callous over, and then your feet will be stronger then before. They are ignorant and stupid because lets face it.....who wears shoes?
  6. Deny it. You are not a hipster. The more you practice denial, the better it sounds. Also, the more you come to believe your own lies. The best denial you can make is that you are not grounding, even if you are. If there's one thing people like more then chocolate, it's liars. 
 If you follow these simple 6 steps, you will be an effective grounder!! Congratulations!!

But in all seriousness.....I have some MAJOR problems with these kinds of idiotic people.

Yes it is true that bare feet in grass is a great feeling. It even makes sense to have bare feet in your own house. 

However, I draw the line when I see a dorky hipster at the stand up urinal in the men's washroom in nothing but bare feet. He takes a nice long pee (standing in the offspray of his own urine) and then proceeds to tread that bathroom stuff out into the hallways. Does anyone else not see how disgustingly wrong this is???

I had to fight off a strong desire to beat him to the ground with my handy pocket truncheon.

But seriously, this is just disgusting, unhealthy, and spreads disease everywhere.
These selfish hipsters think they are being so revolutionary and 'naturalistic' in their bare-foot trend. The fact is that shoes were invented to prevent the intake of diseases that can be contracted through the feet. 

Such things may include:
  1. Hepatitis A, B, and/or C, from stepping on rusted objects or tracking in urine or blood.
  2. AIDS from stepping on needles, glass etc.
  3. Internal worms (of which the most well known is Hookworms which burrow into the toenails or fleshy soles of the foot and work their way into the body)
  4. Fungal warts.....pretty self explanatory
  5. Gangrene, this occurs when the feet are overexposed to wet or dirty environments for long periods of time. 
  6. Poisonous animal bites such as snakes, spiders, and worms which prey on exposed feet. When in long grass or wooded areas this is especially a concern. The average person has 2-15 minutes to live after being bitten by venomous animals. 
These are serious health concerns. But does the modern-day "grounding" hipster care? No of course not. The hipster only cares about how they are perceived by others which is extremely selfish and stupid. 

By grounding the hipsters are indeed perceived by other people.....

......Perceived as moronic and disgusting unhygienic human beings.

I am personally going to make colourful brochures and hand them out to every hipster I see who is grounding detailing the terrible things that can happen to them if they decide to not wear shoes wherever they go. The more graphic the better.

Or maybe I'll just give them a little slip of paper that says: "Over 1 million people die a year from not wearing shoes. AFRICA."

Grounding does not make you cool. Or connected to the earth. Or better then everyone else. 

Grounding makes you a retard.

Gahhh. That is all

Monday, 19 December 2011

"When in Rome....Punch a Roman in the Face"

Alright so being a huge fan of history and all that jazz my title today is aptly titled. 

First, lets talk about the famous saying "When in Rome...do as the Romans do".

Well I've got news for you people: this is not Rome.

We do not have to "Do what the Romans do".

We are not sheep.

We are not mindless lemmings.

Now why might I say something like this??

Hmmmm I dunno......could it possibly be that I have come to notice that stupidity is contagious amongst stupid people??

Why yes, that is exactly the reason why.

Stupid people help other stupid people be more stupid.

Or as I like to say "Stupid is as stupid does"
And stupid people is something we could all use a little less of in our lives.

Consider these two examples to understand how this process works:

Example #1

- A person is driving along and sees someone in front of them who abruptly changes lanes without signaling and speeds up. This angers them.

-This person then ends up stuck behind a piece of junk 2007 "Mazda Molasses" that is moving as fast as it's name implies on the highway. This angers them.

-Thus they abruptly change lanes and speed up without signaling because--after all-- that is clearly now acceptable because they saw the person before them just do the same thing.This angers everyone who is not stupid.

-Thus stupidity spawns stupidity, and is caused by stupidity that was present in the moron driving the Mazda. 

Example #2

- A group of 5 people are sitting at a table in a restaurant. One of these people has an extremely loud voice that sounds like the mating call of a beluga whale. This is annoying.

-This one person then yells out their conversation to the rest of the table interspersed with "OMG IT WAS SO FUNNAYYYYY and SO THEN THE OTHER DAY I TOLD MY DAUGHTER BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH". This is even more annoying.

-She is being so loud in her conversation that her friends feel a little overpowered and think that she must be talking loudly because the surrounding restaurant is really loud. This is untrue.

-Her friends then all increase their voices until it sounds like a posse of wailing banshees stuffing their faces with food. The waitress does absolutely nothing and acts like it is completely normal. This is infuriating.

-Thus stupidity spawns stupidity, and is caused by stupidity in the moron waitress who failed to inform the lady that she is yelling like a fire marshal. 

Just because somebody else does something or acts a certain way does NOT mean that you are entitled to do the same thing.
Nor does it mean that it is the proper or right thing to do. 

The excuse "Well they did it" is absolute garbage. 

This is not Rome. We do not do as the Romans do. 

In fact, "When in Rome, you should punch a Roman in the face."

That way, there will be less stupid people in Rome. 

And we all know how much we hate stupid people. 


That is all. 

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Stupid Street Names

Alright so for those of you who already hate driving and bad drivers and the excessive amount of street lights we have, consider something else:

Stupid street names.

Now I know that in most of the civilized world, there are specific numbers and addresses for locations which can then be put into a GPS (or looked up etc.).

This is all fine and dandy until you run into areas that have been designed by city planners who had one too many shots of bourbon before pulling out their designer sheets.

I have this irritation constantly as for some bizarre reason there seems to be a bunch of areas that do NOT have numbers, avenues, or streets. 

Rather they are named after obscure
a) animals
b) trees/plants
c) places
d) objects of no significance

Not only this, but they are grouped together in clusters and run into each other due to winding and twisting roadways, which makes deciphering the maze near impossible

For instance, you are trying to find a school that is obscurely located on "Robin Lane".

Well in driving along you suddenly realize you are on Robin Boulevard, which then turns into Robin Road, Robin Vista, Robin Crescent, Robin Corner, Robin Way, Robin Place, Robin Cove, Robin Street, Robin Nook, Robin Ridge, Robin End.......... Christopher Robin.......Robin Hood.........Red Robin.....finally you think you must have passed all the possible "Robin" names that can be invented, and guess what??

You have!!

But next thing you know, it has switched to a completely different species of bird (that is vaguely similar) Sparrow Road, Sparrow Lane, Sparrow Vista, Sparrow Crescent, Sparrow Corner, Sparrow Way, Bluejay Beauvista (whoa wait where did THAT come from??).

You consider that you must have gone too far and thus turn around, making your drive painstakingly back through the stupid streets to try and find that elusive "Robin Lane". 

You drive through the birds again..... all the bluejays, sparrows, swallows, chickadees, pigeons, hawks, macaws, seagulls, ravens....and every other kind of bird thinkable till.finally you go through the robins.

At this point, you feel like murdering every single species of bird that has ever inhabited the planet in a fit of rage and anger. 

You appreciate those wind farms, oil spills, airplanes,  and glass windows that claim the lives of thousands of birds every year a whole heck of a lot more.

Anyways, you are unable to find this "Robin Lane" and thus give up and drive home. Upon later realization (often when informed by someone else who fell prey to the same problem), Robin Lane is actually the ONE pseudonym that does NOT exist and you just got the wrong address from the person who gave you the directions in the first place.

Why did they give you the wrong address you might ask?? 

Because it's so bloody difficult to keep your head on straight when there are 5,000,000,000 roads that are named after birds in one stupid area.

Whyyyyyy must cruel city planners do this to us?? 
I honestly believe that this stupid street planning is the reason that so many people hate nature and going outside. Because every time they see that poplar tree all they can think about is:

"Man I wish I could cut that tree down and burn it because it reminds me of the time I was trying to find Poplar Place among the pines, spruces, evergreens, willows, oaks, and maples, and couldn't do it. You know what actually let's just burn down all the poplars. Actually lets one up that and burn down all the trees in general"

And yes. I feel this way. 

I sincerely wish that some of these city planners could be taken on a tour or scavenger hunt where they are required to see and find things from all of these ridiculously named areas. 

With no GPS.

With no vehicle.

With no guide.

With no food or water. 

I can guarantee they would not survive. 

Which in the grand scheme of things is probably for the best. 

Seriously, enough with the stupid street names. 


Saturday, 17 December 2011

10 Reasons Why I Hate Final Exams

Alright people so now that you are all winding up your exams (and I am done my stupid stupid stupid stupid projects), I have decided to start my blog up again.

You're welcome in advance for not giving you an excuse for distraction from your 24 hour ( and completely unnecessary) studying. 

Here is my list of why I hate final exams and the end of school semesters and I'm pretty sure you can empathize with me:

1. Your profs seem like reasonable people for the entire year. They even seem to have relatively reasonable expectations for your assignments and work. Then finals come and all of a sudden they ask you to memorize and know everything that they a) never taught you b) has nothing to do with the course c) is written in another language like Swahili. Suddenly you realize that they never were actually real people at all, just power hungry soul-eating monsters.

2. Nobody is able to do ANYTHING during the 2 weeks of finals. Apparently people are under the impression that imprisoning themselves in their houses/library for 24 hours a day is extremely effective in helping them understand information for their finals. Fact: it is clinically proven that breaks from studying for periods of 1-2 hours helps you retain information better and stay motivated. It's so annoying when people refuse to even go out for coffee because they are "studying soooooooooooooooo hard". Really??? Grow up. 

3. During finals everyone updates their Facebook statuses to how they're soooooooooo stressed out about exams, and they hate studying, and they hate life, hate their professors, hate their friends, hate the noise their pet hamsters make while they are studying, hate windows--because looking outside makes them sad....etc. etc. I guess this is a step forward for those Emo people who constantly put statuses reflecting how sad and depressed they are about everything.....but really??? We all know you are writing finals and are stressed. Please refrain from putting up such drivel for your facebook statuses. Ugh.

4. Ok more annoying then the facebook statuses is the plethora of TWITTER updates. As in.....twitter updates every 5 minutes about your life as a student. "Still studying........I hate biology.........student+dying=studying........." You get the point. Nobody cares, deal with it. 

5. If you are writing exams during winter semester, chances are you have not had the chance to complete your Christmas shopping. This means that the malls are filled with angry, stressed out students who are trying to get their gifts while thinking about their stupid finals and exams that they have to write. Understandably this causes for some exciting "Christmas cheer moments" with ignorant employees who have never gone to post-secondary institutions and don't understand what we are dealing with. You are given full permission to beat them senseless with your shoe.

6. I think people are bad drivers in general, but there is an increase in poor drivers around finals because students think it is a GENIUS idea to study while driving. Really?? Put down your stupid notes for 10 minutes and concentrate on driving. You will not fail your exam or die losing that little amount of time. People's lives are at stake when driving, and if you kill little Jimmy or Sally I will personally hold you responsible. Safety first!

7. Finals reveal how little you actually learn during 1 semester. Which really angers students because you realize that you spent a billion dollars on your school semester only to learn......nothing. For instance, the thing I remember most from this semester was the fact that an Elephant would beat a Rhinoceros in a real-life fight. How sad. 

8. Finals causes civility and hygiene to go out the window. You can spot a student who is in the midst of finals because they appear disheveled and unkempt. They are ragged and often have spots of drool and saliva on their clothes/faces. Also, they have put on weight due to the amount of time they have spent sitting and not moving, and may smell like urine and feces because of using a chamber pot instead of getting up to go to the bathroom. Most importantly, you can see a hint of madness gleaming in their eyes. Talking to a student in the middle of finals is like talking to a baboon on the edge of complete madness. Case in point: My overburdening desire while working on final projects to burn my notes and binder with gasoline while laughing like a maddened savage---I actually pictured this on a daily basis for about a week, and it made me feel warm and fuzzy.....something that would normally get you recommended for psychiatric evaluation. Hmmm.

9. Finals are worth an obscene amount of your mark. For no bloody reason. Your finals are just arbitrarily worth more then the rest of the work you do. Even though you spend way more time and effort during the semester doing work, none of that matters. What matters is that you can remember that one stupid sentence from a little bubble in your textbook word for word and be able to regurgitate it onto a page while under a time pressure constraint. This makes no sense, and is stupid.

10. Those cursed note-stealing gnomes!!! You know exactly what I'm talking about. You are studying for your finals and looking through your notes which you have carefully kept and organized for the semester. However, the ONE page that has the information you need has conveniently disappeared. You ask your classmates and find that they have all had the same experience. This is because of those irritating note-stealing gnomes that sneak around and steal important documents and hide them! Not to be confused with: car-key gnomes, wallet gnomes, watch gnomes, denture gnomes, jewelery gnomes, and clothe gnomes. Curse those gnomes.

Whew, I have been holding in my venting for a whole week.....it feels good to rail about the stupidity of people and things again. 

Seriously though final exams/exam week suck. 


That is all.  

Monday, 5 December 2011

At the Gym: Brosefs

Brosefs are pretty sweet.


Now I'm not talking the 2 guys (or girls I suppose) who go for a workout together and just get it done.

I'm not even really that angered by a group of 3 people.

However, crowds of 4+ bro's who are all in wife beaters and sweatpants (to hide the fact that their routine consists of chest/bi's day in and out) is unacceptable and stupid.

Here is why: 

  1. They use the same machine/bench for about 1 hour because they rotate through using it. During this time, they don't let anyone else use it (or want to because it becomes slimy with bro sweat), and they each do 3x50 reps on it.
  2. In addition to #1, when NOT using the machine, the pack gets tired easily (most likely because their spindly legs are unable to support their unbalanced frame) and they sit. Everywhere. On the floor, on the machines, on each other, etc. Stop it.
  3. Yeah, we all see that you are here to workout. Announcing your workout to the world by yelling "d0000000000000d SICK MANNN!!" every ten seconds is unnecessary and causes shifting of the world's tectonic plates.
  4. Working out in a pack of people does not make you workout better.Or cooler.
  5. I dunno how everyone else feels but I find it a little creepy when you see 5 guys who have all coordinated wearing the same thing to workout in. Hey, I have no problem with guys wearing muscle shirts or tank tops.......just not wife beats, and not all of them.
  6. They pretend to be hardcore, but really you never see them break a sweat. If you don't sweat, it's not a workout. (Unless you suffer from Chromhidrosis.....in which case you are excused because nobody wants to see you sweat out weird looking colours from your body.)
  7. The gym is to workout at. Not for learning gang symbols or how to refer to people as "bro, d00d, brosef, man" etc. Especially if said people are white.
So all that I'm asking is that you be mindful of others at the gym and leave your stampede of friends at home. Work out with 1 or 2 friends tops, and actually go to the gym with a purpose. Be considerate of other people and don't use your infantile age or inexperience as an excuse--everyone knows basic politeness and protocol.

Get out.
For real.
That is all.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

At the Gym: Cartilage Grinders

Short and sweet, but super annoying.

So.......you go to the gym and are proceeding through your run or workout as per the usual. 
All of a sudden you hear this disgusting popping, clicking, grinding sound.

As loud and spine-tingling as fingernails being screeched down a chalkboard. Yeuuuck.

You look around and you notice someone swinging weights around violently as if they were caught in the midst of a terrible tornado they can`t escape and the weights are glued to their hands.

You see their hands flailing around, and their shoulder joints continuously become dislocated and make sickening crunching noises.

Their elbows distend and pop with loud clicking sounds, their necks wrench back and forth furiously, their tendons snap spasmodically back and forth, and it sounds as if their very bone marrow is splintering into shards within their body.

However, the person continues to mutilate them self mercilessly over and over and over and over and over (and over) again. 
I swear  you can just see the cartilage and protective structures within their body disintegrating as you watch them.

What morons. 

They think that swinging weights around with no proper form or structure must be good for them. 
They don`t understand the concept of bones, and muscles, and tendons, and everything else that is set up to help your body move PROPERLY and WITHOUT PAIN.

These are the same doofus├Ęs who end up having to go to physio or the chiropractor because they injure themselves and complain of chronic pain after workouts.

Well duh.....what do you expect after you grind your cartilage to dust...sunshine and rainbows
Fact: bones will then grind on each other and you will be in severe pain.

It`s not that hard to become informed about the proper protocol of lifting weights. 
If it`s so heavy that you have to break form and do it improperly, you need to lessen the weight, even if it means deflating your ego a bit.

If you simply don`t know how to lift weights properly, which may be the case, drop a couple bucks, hire a trainer for one session (maybe 2) and they will show you the proper way to do the exercises. No big deal. I highly recommend this.

You can even find decent information online via Youtube and other websites on how to do exercises properly and to prevent pain and self-mutilation.

Nobody wants to hear that disgusting bone-grinding and crunching noise at the gym.

And no, I will not help you unless you ask me to because I consider your future pain to be your own problem due to your ignorance and inability to learn proper technique.

Not only do these people anger me, but they sadden me. 


Sad face.

Now stop grinding your cartilage and learn how to do it properly.

Or leave and never enter the gym again.

That is all.

Sunday, 27 November 2011

At the Gym: Ipod Idiots

Here's the thing.

You go to the gym to workout, exercise, or whatever it is you do. ( I really really really hope this is why you go. If not, find a trainer.)
You take your Ipod with you to listen to music/pump you up/motivate you/focus/enjoy whatever.

The problem is when you become an Ipod idiot and you have your earbuds shoved so far into your eardrums and turned up so loud that you couldn't hear air raid sirens if they went off 2 feet away from you.

Don't think I don't know what you experience......because trust me if I turn my hearing aids off I can achieve exactly the same effect. And if you honestly think your music isn't that loud...think again doofus.

Know what happens?? 
  • You constantly bump into people because you don't hear them behind you
  • You don't hear if someone asks to use the machine you are using or when you will be done with it
  • You don't hear someone yelling at you to "WATCH OUT" when a weighted bar is swinging at your face
  • You act completely aloof and distant when at the water fountain which makes people convinced you are a Latchkey Child
  • People mistake you for being syndromish
  • You head-bob back and forth, up and down to your gangsta beatzzz, but can't respond when someone tells you your butt-crack is showing to the world
  • A car-key gnome will jump on the back of your treadmill and  pickpocket your locker keys from you without you hearing them. They then steal your car-keys and hide them in an obscure place so you can't find them. Or they steal your Honda. Darn car-key gnomes.
This is  extremely annoying and hmmmmmmm I dunno.............DANGEROUS???
I mean it's one thing if you're at your house listening to your music so loud you drown out the world--fine.

But to be where people are swinging around heavy objects and dropping weights and gathered in clustered group is just idiotic. 
Let's be realistic here, if you want to listen to music by all means go for it!

But make sure you can at least hear the people around you so you can be normal, not seem like a moron, and generally stop accidents from happening.

When I see these Ipod head-bangers I want to just punch them in the face and then take a dumbbell and smash it mercilessly into their Ipod.

1,000,000 times.
Until it is a pile of ground up twisted metal and plastic and wires on the ground.

Good riddance.


Friday, 25 November 2011

At the Gym: This is Not a Pig Pen

Alright, so being the type of person who goes to the gym (as in multipurpose recreation workout centre), for the purpose of exercise (not for stupid conversations), I have stumbled upon all manner of cretins.

1) a person suffering from cretinism
2) a stupid, obtuse, or mentally defective person

It seems that the current "Jersey Shore" phenomenon has attracted some serious cretins to the exercise centre. 

And yes I mean extremely dumb, low-key, unintelligent, degenerate, base, drooling, human slug-brains. 

The next while will be spent on the things that I have noticed over my time in the gym, feel free to enlighten me on any additional people I miss out (but wait at least a week because goodness there are lots of stupid people at the gym). 

So anyways, today I'm at the gym in the zone, getting my workout done when I hear this loud squealing noise.

Now when I say squealing, I'm not talking baby-squealing.......this was more of an animalistic squeal.

Like a grunt given by an elephant in labour mixed with a noise to be expected from a constipated seal who is having problems with it's sphincter control.

In fact, it sounded just like a pig.

A really loud, obnoxious, dirty, human, pig.

I was actually frightened. 
For a moment I thought that perhaps a terrible accident had occured at the zoo and the animals escaped and were loose in town and had broken in and were terrorizing people. (This is due to the fact that lions and tigers and monkeys have escaped before and caused havoc in many small towns.....see Google for some amusing stories.

Anyways, I quickly realized the following facts: 
  • I do not live close to a zoo.
  • We do not have pigs in our zoo.
  • There is no way a pig physically could have broken into the workout centre and somehow made it up the stairs and into the general space past 5,000 people. (number greatly exaggerated here).
Conclusion: This pig is a person.

So, I gaze around for the perp of this disgusting animalistic noise and discover: GASP!

A douchebag.

Well surprise surprise Batman (somehow not surprising whatsoever). 

What was surprising was the fact that this was a guy doing the bench press and he was having a friend of his spot him while lifting. He was bench pressing 135 lbs (that is 1- 45 lb plate on either side of the barbell fyi).

Ok, that part is fine, in fact I applaud him for doing that amount of weight with decent form because he looked like he weighed 150 lbs. 

BUT, as I watched him do his reps, he began this screaming, grunting, squealing noise as he pushed the weight up and down. 
His face turned tomato red and he looked like he had to pound out a growler super bad (if you don't understand this term, I suggest you are better off not knowing. I thank a good friend of mine for this terminology.)

The sound was so loud it echoed across the entire gym and was super distracting. Heads turned. The ladies were not impressed. (By the way never P.O. the ladies at the gym who are actually there to workout because they are nooooooot happy campers).


Seriously dude. 

Obviously someone has never informed this mentally obtuse individual that screaming like a pig does not help you accomplish anything. 
I can understand if he was breathing heavily or even gasping a little bit because yes....there is some evidence that a little bit of a grunt (pushing air out) can help you lift heavy weights.

But that would be like 225 lbs.
At least. 
AND it would still not be a yelping sound that makes it sound as though a herd of pigs have just been victimized by an angry farmer with a whipping cane.

Let's get real here, the gym is not a pig pen.

Yes.....I have grunted before. I'll admit it.
No......I have never done it louder then an F-35 fighter jet doing a flyover at 500 feet. 

Stop it.

Or else I will come over and drop my dumbbells on your head and squish you into the ground. 

So annoying. 

That is all.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

The Santa Rap Rant

Christmas is approaching and I am already annoyed with people who refuse to wish you "Merry Christmas" and instead say "Happy Holidays". 
Are you kidding me? St. Patrick's Day and Halloween and Easter and Remembrance Day are all holidays. 
Do we say "Happy Holidays on those days??

No. We don't.

So cut it out with the "Happy Holidays".
And also with the Santa.

Santa was not born on Christmas Day and is not the purpose of Christmas, despite what Hallmark would have you believe.
If you honestly think that, I seriously suggest you go do some research to further your knowledge of World Religions, religious holidays, and Hallmark's policy of selling $5.00 cards.

Anyways, here is my tongue in cheek rap concerning Santa Clause. 
If you can't get the tune, bully for you. But it is rapped. (had to resist using the pun: wrapped, just saying).
And actually I'd be more then happy to rap it out for you because even rapping requires melody, not the ability to be in tune or sing--which I can't do.


The Santa Rap

Yo we’ve heard ‘bout bad boy Santa and his Christmass-ing ways
His swiggin’ of the eggnog and his stupid reindeer games
His nice list, his not list,
His cacophony of boxes; an’ just to top it
He’s not even a saint; little red, a little large but this fool he just ain't,

No he ain’t even real; turns out he's just a laminate,
A painted perty picture of a fatty that we hate
So we beat him to the ground watch that big red suit turn brown,
Then we strip him of his reindeer and we kick 'im outta town.

We gather up his elves (with them hats, all those fools)
And his wife and his boots, and all them silly little tools
We lock ‘em to a pole way out there in the snow
That’s NORTH Pole—THE ICECAP --we never let ’em go
Leave ‘em with a ghetto blaster blarin’ Christmas tunes
RU-dolph, some Sleigh -Waltz, some Inner city Blues

No we won’t even feel sad, not a bit
Not a lot, Santa’s just a kiddy fad
A PRE-tend, UN-real, Coca-Cola ad
So we stick it to the man,
And this Christmas just got better,
Don’t gotta waste the paper writin’ out that silly letter

Cuz this whole crazy Santa thing just ain’t in style
Celebratin’ Christmas for him man we’d miss it by a mile;
I mean the reason: the season, no it ain’t just about smiles
Or good elves, or bad elves, or focusing on ourselves

Forget that bad boy Santa and his Christmass-ing ways,
Learn about the purpose: just why we celebrate,
That’s purpose--not porpoise--makes sense yes of course it does!
So get those silly Santa thoughts pushed out of your way,
And have yourself a HA-ppy, a SNA-ppy, a blessed Christmas Day!