Thursday, 3 November 2011

Segways Should Die

Have you ever seen a Segway before??

They are those funny little contraptions that have 2 large wheels on the side and a large pod-like steering thingy you hold onto that comes up from the middle.

You stand on the Segway and you control it's movement purely be leaning. The more you lean forward, the faster you go. Leaning backwards will slow you down, and leaning side to side will force you to turn. 
Apparently once you get really good at it you can turn really quickly and go a pretty decent speed.
Also, (from what I understand) they are electric powered and so you just plug in the battery and la dee dah away you go Segway'ing your way across Canada.

Never seen one before??? 

Well my friends that is because you are not cool enough to own one.
See here, only people with lots of money and a huge chip on their shoulder can afford one. 
They are super expensive and appeal to all those losers who would way rather have a girly-type standing scooter then a wicked fast motorbike to bomb around on....for about the same price.

But oh no.....the Segway people are part of the "Hipster Revolution" that began a few years ago.

They are environmentally friendly!
They are electric powered and don't use fossil fuels!
They are the "organic food" of the PUV market!! (Personal Utility Vehicle)
They are powered by the simpleness of your body's motion!!
You are super cool if you own one!
You are nobody if you don't own one!
Only super awesome amazing self-conscientious rich nerds who have nothing better to do with their money own one!!


My favourite is when I see a family of people all riding them at the same time together. I mean they look just like the stupid family you see 'happily playing Risk' on the front of a board game box. 

I hate that family.
These Segway people gaze at you like a low-life as they ride past, leaning forward contemptuously as they show off their slick grey wheels.
They ride around with their noses up in the air because yes.....they are vastly superiour to every other human being.

We all hope it rains and they drown like a chicken.

They smile sadly at others who use a skateboard, or a bicycle, or heaven forbid even a scooter in order to have some fun and get around to places.
Looking into their eyes you can see that they truly do feel sorry for us underpriviliged people.

They shake their heads as though they too once knew the feeling of not owning a Segway (which they have never felt).
Yet it is a superior know-it-all sense of spite that they actually feel.
They really need their Mickey Mouse grins wiped off of their smug little faces.

Besides, I have a sneaking suspicion that these are the people that nobody likes in real life because they are Grade A jerks to everyone. 
They have no friends due to their self-absorption and so they cope by buying a Segway and adopting the attitude that it makes them immediately better then everything. 

If they love the things so much why don't they just marry them
Then nobody else would ever have to. 
Just saying.

I would like to call on people to help me collect money to put towards buying a monster truck.
Just imagine HOW AWESOME it would be to roll up in your aptly named "Dragon-Slayer" truck and squish these Segways into oblivion! 

Then you could turn your truck and drive it through those stuck up people's houses and squish the other 200 Segways they have stashed in reserve. 
Then you could go squash the dope who invented the stupid things.


Because after all, these losers are all:

Excuses for human beings. 

If you have money, invest in sweet vehicles or houses, or paradise vacation spots, or even in funding school for your kids.

Do not, under any circumstances fall into the trap of thinking that you need a Segway to look like a cool person.
You look like a moron.

Segways should die.

That is all. 

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Don't Hate on Them Sharks

People are scared of sharks.
Frequently do I hear complaints of people who are scared of going in the ocean because they are going to be eaten by sharks.

I blame ignorance and the movie "Jaws" largely for this silly little fear. 

Fact: In 2010, 6 people were reportedly killed by shark attacks.

In fact the top  animals responsible for killing humans per year (in order) are as follows:

  1. Mosquitoes- 2 million deaths (Malaria you fools)
  2. Snakes- 100,000 deaths (lack of antivenom)
  3. Scorpions- 5,000 deaths
  4. Crocodiles- 2,000 deaths (bite your head usually)
  5. Elephants - 600 deaths (gore you to death)
  6. Bees - 400 deaths
  7. Lions- 250 deaths
  8. Hippos- 200 deaths (named the most anti-human creature on the planet, they HATE us. thankfully there aren't that many of them, and lots of us muahaha)
  9. Jellyfish-100 deaths

Then there are sharks.....
around 10 a year.

6 deaths last year to be precise.

In the world. 

Of 7 billion people.

Statistically speaking it means you would have to be the unluckiest person ever to die from a shark bite. You are more likely to get killed by a donkey, falling coconut, or getting struck by lightning twice.

This is why I don't understand people who are going on exotic vacations who have this irrational fear of being attacked by a shark. 
Sharks don't like people because we taste too bony and that is extremely unpleasant to their palates!!

Also, although some sharks like shallow water, most places where humans will be swimming is not deep enough for sharks to be carrying out their hunting.
Humans scare away fish, so sharks will not go where humans go (in general).

I have even ran into people who are so terrified that they are planning on not going in the water at all on their $5,000 vacation because they truly believe they are going to come back as severed body parts.

You will not get bitten by a shark unless you swim up to one, swear at it,  and then try your best to stuff your hand in it's mouth. 

Actually, if you do even get close to one just punch it as hard as you can in the nose and it will swim away.
Because punching a shark in the face will disorient it and make it dizzy. It will believe you are the superior animal and will swim away.

But hey, if you don't believe me fine.
Be unnecessarily fearful.
Be scared.
Don't go swimming in the ocean.
Miss out on one of the best parts of exotic vacations.
I don't care because I know that I wouldn't miss it for the world.

But please don't hate on those lovable sharks needlessly!
They are just misunderstood creatures who are trying to earn their keep in the ocean and get some good luncheon meat while they're at it. They don't prefer to be involved with stinky stupid humans so if you stay away, they'll stay even farther away.
If you ever get a chance to pet a shark you will understand.

Jaws was wrong.

Some people.....

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Paranoid Activity 2

Well I already discussed how frustrating it is to see people who hug PIN-pad machines, and I may point out that it has occurred at least another 7 or 8 times since.

Anyways, today I tackle the second of the top 3 things I see paranoid people do and that is what I kindly refer to as 'Irrational Car-Lock Syndrome'

This is something you may not have noticed yet, but I encourage you to keep an eye out for it from now on and I can guarantee you will see it.

This is the obsessive paranoia that people have of being attacked in their vehicles.

In crowded parking lots.
In broad daylight.
In front of lots of people.
For no reason.

For instance, lets say you are walking into Wal-Mart to buy some assorted things for your garden. You're just trundling along at a regular pace with your head up looking around to make sure you don't get flattened by a juvenile or blind driver in the parking lot.

While following this rule of "Safety First!" you unconsciously make eye contact with someone who is sitting in their vehicle. 
They are either waiting for someone else to finish shopping, or they are just chilling in their car for a few minutes before getting out.

Anyways, you make eye contact with them and you notice that they immediately become suspicious.

They think you are looking at them with malicious intent.
They believe your eyes are looking into their soul.
They become terrified of the belief that you are suddenly going to sprint towards their vehicle, yank open the doors and attack them.
Then you will steal their car and drive over their lifeless bodies in a mad dash to escape.
Yep. That must be your intent.
There is no other explanation. 
Panic....panic......panic.......DOOR LOCK!!!

Don't believe me?? Well next time just look for it.

You can notice that they will freeze momentarily as though they have been shocked. 
They will gaze distrustfully at you and then their hand will imperceptibly (so they think) travel towards their automatic door lock system.
They will jam the lock button at least 2-10 times. 
They may even glance at the locks just to ensure that they are safe from you--the roving maniac who is planning their demise.
If it is winter, their breathing may become slightly shallow and labored and the windows will even get a little foggy inside. 


Where does this stupid paranoia come from??
I mean I know that some people have been raped, ok so I can understand why those people might be afraid. Fine.

But for the most part, things like that do not happen in crowded places during broad daylight. And most people have not been raped in these situations (Unless there is some strange statistic that nobody is aware of). 

Because everyone would see it happening.
The person would get arrested.
There would be lots of witnesses.

Plus, unless you have the reflexes of a slug, you would be able to see the attacker coming from at least 5 feet away and would be able to lock your door in less then 3 seconds. And if you did this, the only way they could attack you would be if they smashed through your window, shredding their hand and arteries in the process. Pretty sure someone would notice that too.

So I don't understand this intense fear of someone attacking you inside your vehicle. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

Even more unexplainable is the people who do this and then get out of their vehicles anyways 1 minute after you pass by their car!!! I mean if you were really intent on attacking them, you could simply turn around and rush them after they get out. It would actually be easier. Just saying.

But the fact of the matter is, ordinary people are not walking through parking lots looking for cars with people in them to attack. 

So don't be paranoid. 
Don't be irrational.
Don't be silly.

If you are scared of these people then logically you should also then be frightened of those people who walk their dogs, go jogging, or take a stroll with their loved ones. 

Which means you should probably never leave your house.
Or own a car.
Or go shopping.
Or have a family.
In fact, it's probably better off if you just lock yourself in a windowless room and have your food brought to you by a servant or something.

Oh wait.....they could still attack you inexplicably.

Hmmm I guess you should probably just waste away all alone then, it must be the only solution.


Get over it.

People are not going to attack you in your car in the parking lot.

Please display more intelligence then a minnow.


Monday, 31 October 2011

10 Reasons Why Halloween Irritates Me

Since today is treated like a national holiday (which it's not), and people spend more than they do on any other holiday (which is sad), and everyone dresses up for the day (which has nothing to do with anything)....I figured I would devote my blog to 10 things on Halloween that irritate me (which is true).

  1. People who carve their pumpkins into barfing faces and have all the pumpkin seeds and insides spilling out of their jack-o-lanterns' mouths onto their lawn/doorstep. Really.....?? Since when are barfing faces a) scary or b) something that people want to see when collecting candy? I will barf on your barfing pumpkin next time. See how you like it. I sincerely hope you barf after smelling it.
  2. Trying to get candy as an adult by trick-or-treating. This is not only a bad idea, but it makes you look like a borderline pedophile. Just host your own party and stay home please.
  3. Going dressed up as a cult of 20 Gothic kids is a great way to encourage enactment of the local police force. Especially with your fake bowl of punch. Just saying.
  4. People who get upset when you decide to 'trick' instead of 'treat' them. I'm SO so so so so so so so sorry for giving you the shock of your life and spraying you with ice cold water from my hose while you stand on my doorstep. Maybe if you didn't obnoxiously yell "TRICK OR TREAT" at the top of your lungs at 11 pm when the lights are off and most regular people are sleeping, this wouldn't occur. Actually I take that back, I am not sorry at all and hope you get hypothermia.
  5. Parents who think it's appropriate to dress their 3 month baby in a Lady GaGa costume and tell everyone that they look so dashing. Fact: Your child is 3 months old..... Really?? I am certain they weren't born that way. Again, just saying.
  6. Watching scary movies on Halloween that are aptly named 'Halloween Haunting' 'Halloween Massacre' 'Halloween's Hallowed Hallowing' or 'The Haunting of Hallowed Halloween Hallows in Hallowsdale'. They are no more scary because they are named these stupid things, and are just as scary as if you were to watch them on any other night of the year. So stop talking about how 'scary' it is that you are going to be watching these movies on Halloween. Grow up.
  7. Again with the pumpkins. Look, I can understand 1 pumpkin. Or 3 pumpkins. I can even understand if you have 14 kids and they all make their own pumpkin. What I can't understand is how you spend over $500 and put 75 pumpkins on your front lawn. All hand carved. And then you get angry when kids take some of your pumpkins and smash them on the street/car/your house. Seriously, how much time do you have? Some poor person could have used that $500 to stay off the street or even used all that time you wasted in having a hot meal prepared for them. Shame on you for being so selfish with your stupid pumpkins. And double shame for expecting any lesser fate to await your pumpkins. Fact: Pumpkins are not people.
  8. People who spend tons of time and money putting up fake ghosts and other paraphernalia onto the exterior of their houses and then get angry at me for putting up Christmas lights. Hey, I don't complain to you about your stupid blow up Casper or creepy pumpkin-patch children and I fail to see how putting up Christmas lights is any worse then displaying dead people on my front lawn. Oh wait, I forgot that you think pumpkins are real people. I suppose you probably also believe that every time a light bulb burns out it's like you've lost a child in your family. Got it....... in that case prepare to lose many children this Christmas you fool. Or else next year I'm calling Child Pumpkin Services and that's it for your stupid Pumpkin Children. Let's get real here.
  9. Teenagers who attempt to squat on your lawn. Yeah.....not acceptable. Even less acceptable when they swear at my pumpkin afterwards. Hey he has feelings! Life is hard.
  10. People who wish you 'Merry Halloween'. Excuse me? I believe it's Merry Christmas and Happy Halloween you idiots. But I could be wrong here. I mean I remember the last time I wished someone a 'Merry Birthday'....
And this is why I dislike Halloween.

Get it together.

Enough with the pumpkins already.

Man I hate pumpkins.

Sunday, 30 October 2011

Paranoid Activity 1

I'm sure many of you read the title and thought it said "Paranormal Activity"....the name of a popular, extremely stupid and non-scary set of movies that have come out in the last couple of years.

These lame movies focus on doors slamming shut, things that go bump in the dark, and furniture falling over. When none of this is happening, the characters suffer from severe obsessive compulsive disorder--they look out of their windows suspiciously 2 billion times, frequently glance over their shoulders, and watch video camera footage over and over. 

In fact I *glance* would *glance* recommend *glance* this *glance* movie *glance* to *glance* somebody *glance* who *glance* has a *glance* nervous *glance* tic 
Notice how I looked out the window nervously 10 times in that one sentence?? Scary isn't it???

Anyways, for this reason I have come to dub the movies "Paranoid Activity".

Now while the movies are stupid, boring, and not scary at all, I have discovered something else that is truly scary.

Paranoid people. 

In continuity with the 3 movies, there are 3 kinds of people who exhibit irritating paranoid activities which are completely irrational and stupid. 
We will begin with:

Paranoid Activity 1- PIN-Pad Hugging

These are the people in line in front of you to buy something at your local store.

They are so paranoid about you peering over their shoulders and memorizing their PIN number for their debit/credit cards that they hunch their entire body over top of the machine creating a body shield. Or they hug the machine tightly to their bosom in a death-grip and refuse to let go.  Meanwhile they keep glancing backwards with frantic expressions as their fingers try to punch in the numbers as fast as possible. Sometimes they even pretend they are pressing extra buttons (to confuse any onlookers), and to make them feel as though they are outwitting all the thieves that must exist in the store.

They get upset if you even look in their general direction, which is stupid because there is nowhere else to look when standing in line. What are you supposed to do, stand backwards?? Don't be ridiculous. 

Everyone knows the standard number setup on a PIN-pad so we wouldn't even have to see the numbers on the pad to know what buttons you pressed. So if we were really intent on stealing your pin number, it wouldn't matter if we were looking over your shoulder or not.
Never mind the fact that in order for their PIN to be of any real use, their card would also be required. (or at least card number). Considering that the only way I could possibly get that card from the person is by tackling them into the ground and stealing all their stuff, or coshing them with a blunt object, this is a stupid thing to be paranoid about.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid.

Fact: You do not need to hug your debit machine in order to use it.

Try hugging your ATM next time while taking money out. 
Think that sounds ridiculous?? Well it's the same concept.

Do This

Not This

Seriously, I am not standing in line to steal your PIN number. 

Figure it out.