Thursday, 3 November 2011

Segways Should Die

Have you ever seen a Segway before??

They are those funny little contraptions that have 2 large wheels on the side and a large pod-like steering thingy you hold onto that comes up from the middle.

You stand on the Segway and you control it's movement purely be leaning. The more you lean forward, the faster you go. Leaning backwards will slow you down, and leaning side to side will force you to turn. 
Apparently once you get really good at it you can turn really quickly and go a pretty decent speed.
Also, (from what I understand) they are electric powered and so you just plug in the battery and la dee dah away you go Segway'ing your way across Canada.

Never seen one before??? 

Well my friends that is because you are not cool enough to own one.
See here, only people with lots of money and a huge chip on their shoulder can afford one. 
They are super expensive and appeal to all those losers who would way rather have a girly-type standing scooter then a wicked fast motorbike to bomb around on....for about the same price.

But oh no.....the Segway people are part of the "Hipster Revolution" that began a few years ago.

They are environmentally friendly!
They are electric powered and don't use fossil fuels!
They are the "organic food" of the PUV market!! (Personal Utility Vehicle)
They are powered by the simpleness of your body's motion!!
You are super cool if you own one!
You are nobody if you don't own one!
Only super awesome amazing self-conscientious rich nerds who have nothing better to do with their money own one!!


My favourite is when I see a family of people all riding them at the same time together. I mean they look just like the stupid family you see 'happily playing Risk' on the front of a board game box. 

I hate that family.
These Segway people gaze at you like a low-life as they ride past, leaning forward contemptuously as they show off their slick grey wheels.
They ride around with their noses up in the air because yes.....they are vastly superiour to every other human being.

We all hope it rains and they drown like a chicken.

They smile sadly at others who use a skateboard, or a bicycle, or heaven forbid even a scooter in order to have some fun and get around to places.
Looking into their eyes you can see that they truly do feel sorry for us underpriviliged people.

They shake their heads as though they too once knew the feeling of not owning a Segway (which they have never felt).
Yet it is a superior know-it-all sense of spite that they actually feel.
They really need their Mickey Mouse grins wiped off of their smug little faces.

Besides, I have a sneaking suspicion that these are the people that nobody likes in real life because they are Grade A jerks to everyone. 
They have no friends due to their self-absorption and so they cope by buying a Segway and adopting the attitude that it makes them immediately better then everything. 

If they love the things so much why don't they just marry them
Then nobody else would ever have to. 
Just saying.

I would like to call on people to help me collect money to put towards buying a monster truck.
Just imagine HOW AWESOME it would be to roll up in your aptly named "Dragon-Slayer" truck and squish these Segways into oblivion! 

Then you could turn your truck and drive it through those stuck up people's houses and squish the other 200 Segways they have stashed in reserve. 
Then you could go squash the dope who invented the stupid things.


Because after all, these losers are all:

Excuses for human beings. 

If you have money, invest in sweet vehicles or houses, or paradise vacation spots, or even in funding school for your kids.

Do not, under any circumstances fall into the trap of thinking that you need a Segway to look like a cool person.
You look like a moron.

Segways should die.

That is all. 

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