Since today is treated like a national holiday (which it's not), and people spend more than they do on any other holiday (which is sad), and everyone dresses up for the day (which has nothing to do with anything)....I figured I would devote my blog to 10 things on Halloween that irritate me (which is true).
- People who carve their pumpkins into barfing faces and have all the pumpkin seeds and insides spilling out of their jack-o-lanterns' mouths onto their lawn/doorstep. Really.....?? Since when are barfing faces a) scary or b) something that people want to see when collecting candy? I will barf on your barfing pumpkin next time. See how you like it. I sincerely hope you barf after smelling it.
- Trying to get candy as an adult by trick-or-treating. This is not only a bad idea, but it makes you look like a borderline pedophile. Just host your own party and stay home please.
- Going dressed up as a cult of 20 Gothic kids is a great way to encourage enactment of the local police force. Especially with your fake bowl of punch. Just saying.
- People who get upset when you decide to 'trick' instead of 'treat' them. I'm SO so so so so so so so sorry for giving you the shock of your life and spraying you with ice cold water from my hose while you stand on my doorstep. Maybe if you didn't obnoxiously yell "TRICK OR TREAT" at the top of your lungs at 11 pm when the lights are off and most regular people are sleeping, this wouldn't occur. Actually I take that back, I am not sorry at all and hope you get hypothermia.
- Parents who think it's appropriate to dress their 3 month baby in a Lady GaGa costume and tell everyone that they look so dashing. Fact: Your child is 3 months old..... Really?? I am certain they weren't born that way. Again, just saying.
- Watching scary movies on Halloween that are aptly named 'Halloween Haunting' 'Halloween Massacre' 'Halloween's Hallowed Hallowing' or 'The Haunting of Hallowed Halloween Hallows in Hallowsdale'. They are no more scary because they are named these stupid things, and are just as scary as if you were to watch them on any other night of the year. So stop talking about how 'scary' it is that you are going to be watching these movies on Halloween. Grow up.
- Again with the pumpkins. Look, I can understand 1 pumpkin. Or 3 pumpkins. I can even understand if you have 14 kids and they all make their own pumpkin. What I can't understand is how you spend over $500 and put 75 pumpkins on your front lawn. All hand carved. And then you get angry when kids take some of your pumpkins and smash them on the street/car/your house. Seriously, how much time do you have? Some poor person could have used that $500 to stay off the street or even used all that time you wasted in having a hot meal prepared for them. Shame on you for being so selfish with your stupid pumpkins. And double shame for expecting any lesser fate to await your pumpkins. Fact: Pumpkins are not people.
- People who spend tons of time and money putting up fake ghosts and other paraphernalia onto the exterior of their houses and then get angry at me for putting up Christmas lights. Hey, I don't complain to you about your stupid blow up Casper or creepy pumpkin-patch children and I fail to see how putting up Christmas lights is any worse then displaying dead people on my front lawn. Oh wait, I forgot that you think pumpkins are real people. I suppose you probably also believe that every time a light bulb burns out it's like you've lost a child in your family. Got it....... in that case prepare to lose many children this Christmas you fool. Or else next year I'm calling Child Pumpkin Services and that's it for your stupid Pumpkin Children. Let's get real here.
- Teenagers who attempt to squat on your lawn. Yeah.....not acceptable. Even less acceptable when they swear at my pumpkin afterwards. Hey he has feelings! Life is hard.
- People who wish you 'Merry Halloween'. Excuse me? I believe it's Merry Christmas and Happy Halloween you idiots. But I could be wrong here. I mean I remember the last time I wished someone a 'Merry Birthday'....
And this is why I dislike Halloween.
Get it together.
Enough with the pumpkins already.
Man I hate pumpkins.