At the Gym: This is Not a Pig Pen

Alright, so being the type of person who goes to the gym (as in multipurpose recreation workout centre), for the purpose of exercise (not for stupid conversations), I have stumbled upon all manner of cretins.

Cretin: 

1) a person suffering from cretinism

2) a stupid, obtuse, or mentally defective person

It seems that the current "Jersey Shore" phenomenon has attracted some serious cretins to the exercise centre. 

And yes I mean extremely dumb, low-key, unintelligent, degenerate, base, drooling, human slug-brains. 

SO.....

The next while will be spent on the things that I have noticed over my time in the gym, feel free to enlighten me on any additional people I miss out (but wait at least a week because goodness there are lots of stupid people at the gym). 

So anyways, today I'm at the gym in the zone, getting my workout done when I hear this loud squealing noise.

Now when I say squealing, I'm not talking baby-squealing.......this was more of an animalistic squeal.

Like a grunt given by an elephant in labour mixed with a noise to be expected from a constipated seal who is having problems with it's sphincter control.

In fact, it sounded just like a pig.

A really loud, obnoxious, dirty, human, pig.

I was actually frightened. 

For a moment I thought that perhaps a terrible accident had occured at the zoo and the animals escaped and were loose in town and had broken in and were terrorizing people. (This is due to the fact that lions and tigers and monkeys have escaped before and caused havoc in many small towns.....see Google for some amusing stories.

Anyways, I quickly realized the following facts: 

• I do not live close to a zoo.
• We do not have pigs in our zoo.
• There is no way a pig physically could have broken into the workout centre and somehow made it up the stairs and into the general space past 5,000 people. (number greatly exaggerated here).

Conclusion: This pig is a person.

So, I gaze around for the perp of this disgusting animalistic noise and discover: GASP!

A douchebag.

Well surprise surprise Batman (somehow not surprising whatsoever). 

What was surprising was the fact that this was a guy doing the bench press and he was having a friend of his spot him while lifting. He was bench pressing 135 lbs (that is 1- 45 lb plate on either side of the barbell fyi).

Ok, that part is fine, in fact I applaud him for doing that amount of weight with decent form because he looked like he weighed 150 lbs. 

BUT, as I watched him do his reps, he began this screaming, grunting, squealing noise as he pushed the weight up and down. 

His face turned tomato red and he looked like he had to pound out a growler super bad (if you don't understand this term, I suggest you are better off not knowing. I thank a good friend of mine for this terminology.)

The sound was so loud it echoed across the entire gym and was super distracting. Heads turned. The ladies were not impressed. (By the way never P.O. the ladies at the gym who are actually there to workout because they are nooooooot happy campers).

Breathe.

Seriously dude. 

Obviously someone has never informed this mentally obtuse individual that screaming like a pig does not help you accomplish anything. 

I can understand if he was breathing heavily or even gasping a little bit because yes....there is some evidence that a little bit of a grunt (pushing air out) can help you lift heavy weights.

But that would be like 225 lbs.

At least. 

AND it would still not be a yelping sound that makes it sound as though a herd of pigs have just been victimized by an angry farmer with a whipping cane.

Let's get real here, the gym is not a pig pen.

Yes.....I have grunted before. I'll admit it.

No......I have never done it louder then an F-35 fighter jet doing a flyover at 500 feet. 

Stop it.

Or else I will come over and drop my dumbbells on your head and squish you into the ground. 

So annoying. 

That is all.

The Santa Rap Rant

Christmas is approaching and I am already annoyed with people who refuse to wish you "Merry Christmas" and instead say "Happy Holidays". 

Are you kidding me? St. Patrick's Day and Halloween and Easter and Remembrance Day are all holidays. 

Do we say "Happy Holidays on those days??

No. We don't.

So cut it out with the "Happy Holidays".

And also with the Santa.

Santa was not born on Christmas Day and is not the purpose of Christmas, despite what Hallmark would have you believe.

If you honestly think that, I seriously suggest you go do some research to further your knowledge of World Religions, religious holidays, and Hallmark's policy of selling $5.00 cards.

Anyways, here is my tongue in cheek rap concerning Santa Clause. 

If you can't get the tune, bully for you. But it is rapped. (had to resist using the pun: wrapped, just saying).

And actually I'd be more then happy to rap it out for you because even rapping requires melody, not the ability to be in tune or sing--which I can't do.

Enjoy.

The Santa Rap

Yo we’ve heard ‘bout bad boy Santa and his Christmass-ing ways

His swiggin’ of the eggnog and his stupid reindeer games

His nice list, his not list,

His cacophony of boxes; an’ just to top it

He’s not even a saint; little red, a little large but this fool he just ain't,

No he ain’t even real; turns out he's just a laminate,

A painted perty picture of a fatty that we hate

So we beat him to the ground watch that big red suit turn brown,

Then we strip him of his reindeer and we kick 'im outta town.

We gather up his elves (with them hats, all those fools)

And his wife and his boots, and all them silly little tools

We lock ‘em to a pole way out there in the snow

That’s NORTH Pole—THE ICECAP --we never let ’em go

Leave ‘em with a ghetto blaster blarin’ Christmas tunes

RU-dolph, some Sleigh -Waltz, some Inner city Blues

No we won’t even feel sad, not a bit

Not a lot, Santa’s just a kiddy fad

A PRE-tend, UN-real, Coca-Cola ad

So we stick it to the man,

And this Christmas just got better,

Don’t gotta waste the paper writin’ out that silly letter

Cuz this whole crazy Santa thing just ain’t in style

Celebratin’ Christmas for him man we’d miss it by a mile;

I mean the reason: the season, no it ain’t just about smiles

Or good elves, or bad elves, or focusing on ourselves

Forget that bad boy Santa and his Christmass-ing ways,

Learn about the purpose: just why we celebrate,

That’s purpose--not porpoise--makes sense yes of course it does!

So get those silly Santa thoughts pushed out of your way,

And have yourself a HA-ppy, a SNA-ppy, a blessed Christmas Day!

Hearing Aids are Not Cellphones

Today I shall attempt to humour you with the lighter side of life.

Sort of.

The ignorance of some people astounds me.

For those of you who don't know this story let me enlighten you briefly.

I was waiting to talk to a teacher at the end of class and felt the watchful stare of a girl next to me.

Not wanting to appear rude, and curious as to what her problem was I asked her if she needed something.

She shook her head and stared at me with a glazed expression and exclaimed: "Those are SO COOL! I wish I had CELLPHONES like that!!!"

I was completely baffled as to what she was talking about, however after noticing that she was staring at my ears (I wear hearing aids see), I ascertained that she must have thought my hearing aids were cellphones.

................

I was actually at a loss for words and the only thing I could respond with in my lethargic shock was "..........they're not cell phones.....they're hearing aids......"

Oh but of course she just ignored my statement and said: "Seriously, coolest cell phones ever!!"

...........

Wow.

Really??!!

It would be like if I told a person in a wheelchair that I thought their bicycle was super cool.

Complete surrealism.

However, upon further reflection I realized that many people are ignorant about hearing aids.

Here are some of the things that people believe about hearing aids that I have heard from ACTUAL people in my life. Think carefully about the stupidity of some of these comments:

1. You can hear the radio with them.
2. They help you "hear colours".
3. You can hear martian sounds.
4. They are calibrated to hear frequencies ordinary humans can't hear, such as bats, dragonflies, and dolphins.
5. They are cellphones.
6. People with hearing aids have their own tone that is sounded at crosswalks that only they can hear that helps them cross safely (think hard about that one).
7. Hearing aids work on the concept of "echo-location" and sonar.
8. The sound we hear is not real sound, and people sound like C-3P0 from Star Wars.
9. Everyone with hearing aids is connected on a network.....like "hearing-aid wifi" (for serious).
10. That hearing aids make their own sounds and can be personalized.
11. Hearing aids can electrically shock you.
12. They give you super-hearing if you can already hear and you wear them.
13. They can store change.
14. They can be used as two-way radios.
15. If they work on animals.
16. They come with cool accessories like silver plating.
17. The hearing aids contain locators in case I lose one.
18. What would happen if they were buried under sand. (Really....??)
19. Fully deaf people are magically healed by hearing aids.
20. If I would be better off without them because I would be more deaf.

And many many many many many other things.

I know ignorance is bliss but.....really??

I feel like some people lack common sense and should probably get a brain scan.

The answer to all of the above questions is no. And if you bury them in sand you would a) lose them and b) they would get filled with sand and c) break.

Obviously.

Seriously people, learn about some things before asking such silly questions!!

Hahahahaha see me laughing??

SEE!!

Ugh.

Spitting is for Uncivilized Humans

Ok so I'm walking along behind a person taking my dog for a walk.

No big deal.

It's kind of cold outside, and I'm feeling a little grumpy due to being sick.

And so I'm just lost in thought, spurring my dog onwards through the cold when all of a sudden I hear this disgusting slurping/sucking snot noise in front of me.

I realize that it is coming from the man in front of me who has fully stopped walking in order to spit a huge ball of snot/mucus/spit from his mouth onto the sidewalk. 

The public sidewalk.

That people walk on.

People like me.

I walked slowly up to the area and noticed a disgusting yellow splotch of human intestinal remains on the sidewalk and deftly maneuvered my dog off the sidewalk around it.

The man kept walking as if nothing had happened, and continued to stop every 20 feet or so and spit a loogie on the sidewalk. Which I had to continuously step around.

Really??

Is it really that important for you to clean your orifices outside on the public sidewalk?? 

Do you actually think the whole world consists only of you Mr. Selfish-blob?

While you're at it sir, why don't you just pull down your pants and take a dump on the sidewalk so we can all enjoy the sight and stench of it while simultaneously almost stepping in it.

I mean you might as well, it's the same idea.

And after all, you are clearly the only person that matters in the world.

Seriously, this is just disgusting. At least have the decency and consideration to spit or deposit your slimy nostril and throat fluid into the snowbank NEXT to the sidewalk.

And maybe you should consider if other people are around you while you are doing it.

At the very least.

Nothing makes you seem like more of an unintelligent neanderthal then spitting continuously because you haven't learned how to swallow your spit properly (unless it's being a hipster). 

Can't you possibly have tissue to spit in? Or even a bottle for crying out loud.

Nobody wants to hear or see you spitting up bile and discovering what colour the last thing you ate or drank was.

Would you like to see me just throw up on the ground and leave it there? 

No of course not.

If you actually would, then you should seek therapeutic help because you are mentally deranged.

It's not that difficult to refrain from spitting in public and it is completely unnecessary to do so onto objects or the ground. 

Use a garbage bin, use your hand, use a bottle, use your sleeve, use a handkerchief, or just don't do it at all.

I firmly believe that there should be a bylaw for humans picking up their spit.

I mean we are required to clean up after our dogs and if you walk around spitting everywhere, you pretty much are a dog.

Spitting is for uncivilized humans.

 
Stop it.

Or I will call animal services and request you be tranquilized and impounded.

Ugh. 

Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Short and sweet today.

Keep your hands to yourself please strangers.

Do not:

touch me, rub me, poke me, pinch me, tickle me, pet me, grab me, embrace me, caress me, high-five me, force-handshake me, or do something else weird when we barely know each other.

I do not know you.

I do not want to know you.

I'm pretty sure the first lesson you learn from your parents is not to talk to/take candy from/touch or hold hands with/hug strangers.

So get your grubby mitts off of me.

I don't want your germs or STD's.

I don't want your hands (which have been who knows where) touching me in any way.

I don't want to make contact with your disgusting-ness.

If you can't keep your hands to yourself around strangers in public you should probably see a psychologist, your local OCD doctor, or go to jail.

Do not pass GO.

Do not collect $200.

Some people have no concept of appropriate ways to interact with strangers.

Seriously......personal bubble here.

Ugh the worst.

That is all.

Maybe It's Maybelline?!?

Ladies, this one goes out to you.

Sad face.

Today was just going like another normal day. You know, wake up....shower....eat cereal....go to school.....workout.....eat some more.....go shop around....

AND THEN THE CLOWNS CAME!!!

It was a complete surprise attack!!

These glowing monsters surrounded me in the mall with their strange costumes and painted faces and made strange noises that were comparable to the sound a merry-go-round or jack in the box make. (Dee dee deedly-dee dee dee). 

I tried to shoo them away with loud cries of VAMINOS VAMINOS!!

Epic fail.

It only made them clown around even more, shoving their painted faces closer towards mine as they giggled impishly

I swear two of them even squirted water out of their ears, but I could have just been hallucinating.

I began to sweat profusely as I imagined them attacking me with a bloody knife like reincarnations of those clown-murderer movies that are ever so popular.

They began to speak in a strange foreign language which at first I interpreted to be Maori Snap Whistling, but later realized was in fact English. 

Apparently clowns are literate...... who knew?

Actually, as I observed these scary beings close-up  I realized that they were not actually clowns.

They were ladies.

They were females.

I don't get it.

They had on face powder and fake eyelashes and mascara and eyelash stuff and every other kind of makeup imaginable.

Which would explain the clown-like appearance.

I'm pretty sure they probably could have scraped the makeup off of their faces and iced 5 triple layered cakes with it....that's how much they were wearing.

Completely unnecessary.

Upon closer inspection (read: trolling past them about 4 times while trying not to laugh) I even noticed that they were not bad looking girls!! 

In fact they could look quite nice and normal if they tried, however somebody impressed on them that 50 lbs of makeup immediately makes them look better.

That begs the question: Maybe it's Maybelline??

Fact: It does not make you look better.

You look scary.

You look like a clown.

You might try and kill me or my children.

Or pie me in the face and honk a bicycle horn.

Or suddenly rush around me on your unicylce.

Or hit me with a slapstick and laugh in a trilling voice.

Or.......

You get the point.

Please get rid of the excessive makeup, you're not helping anyone. 

A little bit of makeup....sure, awesome, no problem. I get that.

But please go easy on it ladies because nothing is scarier then seeing groups of clowns walk around tormenting the public. 

Pretty pretty pretty please go easy on the Maybelline.

Oh and FYI next time I see those girls in the mall, I plan on giving them all fake red noses and telling them to join the circus because they are super funny.

Just saying.

That is all.

We Hate Slow Walking Slug Humans

Hello Friendlies!

Today's rant is unique in that it is co-written by a good friend of mine! We shall refer to her as Erin. If you don't know her that's fine, if you do know her......well you completely understand why we decided to joint-write this blog entry.

Anyways, the format of this blog takes place in the form of a dialogue in which we converse back and forth with each other on the stupidity of the topic we have chosen. Hilariously enough, many of our conversations actually proceed exactly in this way. Don't believe me?? 

Well bully for you.

Today, we are discussing a much-loved type of person that you will encounter this Christmas season: The Slow-Walker. 

Erin why don't you share your ideas??

E: I personally feel like the world would be a better place if there was a police force that monitored the speed of peoples walking. I mean we as a society have devoted an entire task force to making sure that people drive the right speed, but has it ever been considered that these drivers are zipping around and speeding because of people walking JUST TOO SLOW?? 

It’s not only the fact that they walk slow. 

It’s that they walk slow in groups of 14 people, creating a Red Rover-esque lineup that does not allow any person past who wants to walk at a speed faster than one meter per minute. 

And when you politely approach them at what seems to be mach 4 and say “excuse me” they look at you with looks of disgust, as if you should not be trying to run the Boston Marathon in the middle of the mall, or in the middle of their school, or wherever you may be. 

They have set up their speed trap, trapping evil speed walkers like you, and you have been had.

But really, all you were trying to do was get from point A to point B before next Christmas.
Okay, I understand, not everyone is as able bodied as the rest of us, and I myself am not as vertically gifted as Jon, but I have trained my legs to move just a little bit faster so that I walk at a socially acceptable pace. 

You’re welcome. 

But let me assure you, that if I did want to walk at a snail’s pace I would do it up against the wall, making myself as invisible as possible, so as to not disturb the rest of the people who have places to be.

J: Oh I couldn’t agree more with you!! Think how effective a police force would be for slow walkers??!! If you walk too slowly, they could sprint past you and punch you in the kneecaps with staffs made of hardened resin and animal bone.

Or just push slow walkers onto the ground savagely so the rest of us can trample on them.

I’ve heard that flattened people make great pedestrian ramps and increase the standard of living. 

This could just be a rumour though.

Boy would that teach slow-walkers a lesson.

But you know what really gets me about these people Erin?? It’s that they will walk like normal people for points in time and then will suddenly cut in front of you and switch back to “caterpillar saunter” speed. 

For crying out loud, walk faster people. 

It’s not that hard to pick up your two appendages and place them one in front of the other at even a reasonably fast pace.

If you are too tired, or lack this ability, I suggest you STAY HOME and eat fistfuls of iron supplements or perhaps look into purchasing the book “Walking for Dummies”. 

You know what else is frustrating?? Not only is it a Red Rover-esque lineup that stretches across the walking space, but it frequently seems to be people who are built like NFL football linebackers. (Not strength wise, think width-wise). Thus even when you do perhaps try to slip past them innocuously you can’t physically get past their wall of human largeness. The only possible solution would be to crawl through their legs but a) that’s gross and b) I am a human not a slug.

E: I also think that people with a good walking record, like us, should be granted the privilege of low grade tasers, which we can use to break through this rugby scrum of snails so that we can get on with our days. this tactic will allow us to take control back from the army of linebackers who walk as slow as their brains operate. and i think THAT is the least that we can ask.

J: Ahhh yes, individual hand-held tasers....the perfect solution!! 

I wholeheartedly agree with this and I think it would be most effective in getting rid of shuffling parasitic slow-walking worm humans.

But perhaps more practically (and more cost-efficient) I have discovered a technique that works wonders in clearing these snails out: rudeness.

Don't wait.

Don't be polite.

Shove often.

Step hard.

Ugh seriously though people......

Slow walkers are the worst.

That is all.

GaGaGo Play in Traffic

List some things that really irritate you about people:

1. People who wear meat dresses
2. Individuals who wear legless pants
3. Singers that copy Madonna and try to "push the envelope"
4. Hibernating in an egg before a performance to "be mysterious"
5. Songwriters who try to shove their opinions down your throat through their music
6. Musical Psychos
7. Singers that name themselves after the noise a baby makes
8. People who can't stand that others might have an opinion about something that doesn't agree with them
9. Songs that are not appropriate for young children that are played for them anyways
10. Women who wear stupid hats/masks/clothes that are impractical and serve no purpose except to make them look like they missed the memo at a masquerade ball
11. Musically talented singers who sing terrible music and waste their natural abilities
12. Psychos

Who fits this profile....hmmmmmmmm.

Oh yeah, Lady GaGa.

Look, nobody cares about your stupid clothes, you look like a moron.

Copying Madonna is boring and has gotten old, give it up.

Songs ranging from "terrible" to "death would be better"means you may want to consider a new career.

You call your fans "little monsters"....this is eerily accurate. 

Fact: People don't like monsters. And people don't like you.

I pity you  because you have potential to be a great singer but waste so much time trying to force your  viewpoints on everyone else. 

Please go away, you act like a 5 year old.

You are very homely looking, so pretending otherwise is not doing you any favours....just saying. 

Again with the costumes......yeah you look idiotic. 

As in, legitimately stupid.

Grow up. Not every day is Halloween.

Actually....

Ga-Ga-Go play in traffic.

Please.

Preferably with lots of cement mixers, logging trucks, and Lamborghini's 

Sanity will then be restored.

That is all.

Remembrance Day: A Day of Silence

Today I will not rant about anything, except to point out that it is sad how so many people do not know what the purpose of Remembrance Day is or the significance of the poppy.

Remembrance Day (or Veteran's Day) is a memorial day set aside by Commonwealth countries to commemorate the German armistice signed at the 11th hour, on the 11th day of the 11th month in 1918. This effectively drew an end to World War I.

The day was specifically dedicated by King George V on 7 November 1919 as a day of remembrance of members of the armed forces who were killed during World War I. 

The red poppy has become significant in large part because of the poem written by Canadian John McCrae entitled "In Flanders Fields". The poppies grew heavily in the earth of the battlefields and cemeteries where war casualties were buried in Flanders--and thus have become representative of the war.

Take a minute to reflect on the day and the purpose for which it is commemorated. I encourage you to read the poem below as it reminds us of why we wear a poppy.

Why Wear A Poppy- by Don Crawford

"Please wear a poppy", the lady said,
And held one forth, but I shook my head
Then I stopped and watched as she offered them there,
And her face was old and lined with care;

"But beneath the scars the years had made
There remained a smile that refused to fade.
A boy came whistling down the street,
Bouncing along on carefree feet.

"His smile was full of joy and fun,
"Lady" said he "may I have one?"
When she pinned it on, he turned to say:
"Why do we wear a poppy to-day?"

"The lady smiled in her wistful way
And answered: "This is Remembrance Day,
"And the poppy there is a symbol for
The gallant men who died in the war. "

"And because they did, you and I are free
That's why we wear a poppy you see.
I had a boy about your size,
With golden hair and big blue eyes.

"He loved to play and jump and shout
Free as a bird, he would race about.
As the years went by, he learned and grew
And became a man - as you will too. "

"He was fine and strong, with a boyish smile,
But he'd seemed with us such a little while When war broke out and he went away.
I still remember his face that day.

"When he smiled at me and said good-bye.
'I'll be back soon, Mum, so please don't cry.'
But the war went on and he had to stay
And all l could do was wait and pray.

"His letters told us of the awful fight
(I can see at in my dreams at night),
With the tanks and guns and cruel barbed wire,
And the mines and the bullets, the bombs and the fire."

"That sure did sound like an awful fight,
But your son - did he come back alright?"
A tear rolled down each faded cheek;
She shook her head but didn't speak.

"I slunk away in a sort of shame,
And if you were with me, you'd have done the same;
For our thanks, in giving is aft delayed,
Though our freedom was bought - and thousands paid!

"And so, when we see a poppy worn,
Let us reflect on the burden borne
By those who gave very all
When asked to answer their country's call
That we at home in peace might live.
Then wear a poppy! - and give!

 

Mucus Breathing Monsters

I am not a germaphobe, I actually have great genetics and hardly ever get sick (look at me being all egotistical!!). 

However there is something to be said about people who are sick with mucus-like infections and don't do anything about prevention.

I believe what should be done is to hit them with wooden sticks so they can't move or further infect people.

Kind of like those zombie movies.

These are the try-hards who refuse to stay home from school/work for even 1 bloody day in order to get themselves feeling better.

Oh no, they MUST attend public functions.

Being sick with bronchitis or lung infections is no big deal to them.

Most often, this ends up being in the school environment where they sit in class (many times during an exam) and are just leaking slime and mucus out of their eyes, ears, and nose.

To compound this disgustingness, they do not have anything to blow their nose with and simply suck up all the snot into their brains like large vacuum cleaners making that ever-lovely *schnuuuuuck* sound that you are probably familiar with. 

I can just imagine all this mucus balling up inside of their heads into a happy little family that sticks together extremely well.

AND they also cough with their mouths open, letting the whole world know that they are full of puke and grossness while simultaneously tripling the chances of everyone else around them getting sick.

Newsflash: It's called Kleenex.

Do not wipe your snot on your sleeve, or on your hands, or on your binder....please for all things merciful use kleenex.

If you absolutely have to sniff it up your nose, please use little sniffs for a short period of time until you can get to a washroom. And never suck your snot during an exam please, it's super irritating.

If you are so deathly sick that this option is not possible and you just have phlegm dripping off your ruddy face, then for crying out loud stay home!!

Really, you are not accomplishing anything by going out in public except for ensuring that 1/5 people that you meet will get sick from what you have.

If you have any kindness, take a few days, get some sleep and relax. 

If you absolutely must attend school to write a test (or heaven forbid you can't miss 1 measly class) then you'd better arm yourself properly!

I expect to see hand sanitizer (small bottle is acceptable) and tissues stuffed into your backpack into large quantities.

Also, I expect that you have taken something in order to limit the amount of mucus streaming out of your body onto public spaces. I suggest Buckley's or some other disgusting medicine that works wonders.

And by golly, you'd better be washing those slimy snot-crested hands at every opportunity you get.

Last but not least....

Warn people you are sick first!!

It's no good to tell people you are sick after you have slobbered all over their faces, or stuck your hands to their homework....or even high-fived them 1 billion times.

At least if you have warned them, they can make their own decisions about how to respond to you.

But for all you irresponsible mucus breathing monsters......

Putting your mucus into my personal space is no different then if you were to poop in my mouth.

Just don't do it.

Stay home and get better.

The world will not end because you must slow down for a few days.

Gross.

That is all. 

So You Have a PhD.......NOBODY CARES!!!

Oh boy, this just really grinds my gears.

So lets say that you spend lots of time and money getting a post-secondary education. You get a 4 year degree in Makiakki Herbology.  Yay you!! 

Then you decide to get your master's degree in it, writing your thesis on Negative Methane Toxicity of Makiakki Plants on the African Plains. 

You then decide to one-up yourself and get your PhD in Theoretical Herbology of Imaginary Pygmy Shamans in Malaysia.

You manage to nail your thesis and are awarded the distinction of having your PhD.

Good for you. 

Seriously, good work. 

It is not easy to pursue such ambitions and it takes a significant amount of time and money to achieve such goals. Even if they do revolve around stupid obscure subjects such as Pygmy Shamans and Maikkiki Herbology in remote areas.

Much respect.

However, I do not have respect for the losers who think that because they have achieved this status, everyone else is a lesser human being.

You know exactly what I'm saying.

These are the rude slime-balls who refuse to talk to you or get extremely offended unless you refer to them as DR. 

For instance, in retail I would frequently get people who had Dr. put on their credit cards. 

If I said have a nice day (Mr./Ma'am.....and their last name) they would get extremely angry and snootily reply: "Actually it's DR"; as their eyes turned into large dinner plates and rolled madly around in their head and they frothed angrily from the mouth.

Well soooooorrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyy douchebag I didn't mean to to insult your fragile little ego. 

It's really sad that you need to have this title in order to feel important in society. What were you neglected as a child or something??

Maybe you have "Small Man Syndrome"??

Does this PhD make everything in your life complete??

Well hopefully because it also makes everyone else want to punch them in the head 5,000 times until they are comatose on the floor.

Grahh.

You also run into this in the post-secondary world where you will have professors who will not even acknowledge you or talk to you unless you call them Dr. 

I will often call them Dr. Doom or Dr. Dre or something else that really irritates them.

Because really how stupid is that??

Just because they decided to waste their time and money pursuing higher education does not make them immediately smarter then you. Especially when the majority of people obtain their PhD's in things that the average 3 year old baby pig would be able to understand.

In fact, I find lots of these people severely lacking in common sense and I doubt they would be able to fix their own toilet if it broke and their feces were splattered about on the ground.

Some of them probably don't even know what feces are to be honest.

But really, how would these snobby people like it if I refused to answer to them unless they adressed me as "Sir" or "Your Majesty"??? 

Example:

"Can I try on these shoes please??"

"Of course not peasant, you didn't refer to me by my proper title.."

Yeah, of course they wouldn't like it don't be ridiculous.

But it's the exact same idea.

Having a PhD does not entitle you to put yourself on a pedestal above the rest of us you ignoramuses. 

It's just as mature as a 5 year old who throws a temper tantrum because they don't get a candy from the store. 

Grow up.

If you have a PhD and you want people to think you're smart and well-educated and a great person the best thing you can do is not act like a superior know-it-all who is obsessed with their title. 

Trust me.

Because if you try and shove your title in your face, I will make it my life goal to shove your face into a pile of dog poop on the ground. 

I will also make a point of refusing to call you Dr. and make snarky comments about your lack of ability toaccomplish anything in life.

I will tell all my friends about you and your selfish attitude.

This really really annoys me.

Really.

Ugh.