"Grounding": A Hipster Guide to Getting Hepatitis

So I've been gone for a while which is true. I have done some soul searching, thinking, and spent time writing in many other capacities. I have even created a long list of rants which will now follow on my blog. 

Consider it time that I have spent "looking into myself".

Which is a complete hipster thing to say.

This week will focus on such stupid narcissistic things that hipsters will do in order to a) feel better about their pathetic lives and b) draw attention to themselves because they were neglected as babies.

Today I would like to bring up a fad that many of you may have noticed recently.

"Grounding"

You see, there is a growing epidemic of people who have a firm held belief that not wearing shoes out and about creates a more 'natural' connection between oneself and Mother Nature. The energy flows (basically the Force from Star Wars) is felt when one has nothing but their nude feet slapping against every surface possible.....gravel, concrete, grass, tile, carpet, hardwood etc....

These hipsters show off their naked feet with pride while simultaneously displaying their uncut toenails, blackened feet, and the plethora of diseases that they have contracted. 

In order to better understand how to be a hipster and participate in the newest fad of "grounding" here is a step-by-step process on how to do it.

1. Take all your shoes (even your Toms) and throw them in the trash. You do not need them. Even if you work in the construction business. 
2. Take all your long pants and also throw them in the trash. Why? Because in order to display your awesome bare feet to the world you must wear capris or shorts, otherwise nobody will notice. If nobody notices, you are not hipster enough.
3. Stop showering. Nothing says "Bona-fide grounded hipster" more than someone who proudly displays how dirty they are. Dirtiness says that you are a self-made person and you ENJOY the grime and grease that is on your body because it is 'natural'. 
4. Practice Earth Worship. After all, if you're going to participate in grounding you have to have a reason. Clearly the only one that makes sense is to blather on about 'Earth energy flows' and 'naturalistic movements from Mother Nature". Saying that it 'feels good' will not convince enough people you are cool. Again, if you can't convince people it's awesome, you have failed.
5. Ignore civilized people. Even if someone mentions that you just stepped in a pile of dog crap, or that you are bleeding profusely from your feet, just tell them that you don't care because it'll just scab up, callous over, and then your feet will be stronger then before. They are ignorant and stupid because lets face it.....who wears shoes?
6. Deny it. You are not a hipster. The more you practice denial, the better it sounds. Also, the more you come to believe your own lies. The best denial you can make is that you are not grounding, even if you are. If there's one thing people like more then chocolate, it's liars. 

 If you follow these simple 6 steps, you will be an effective grounder!! Congratulations!!

But in all seriousness.....I have some MAJOR problems with these kinds of idiotic people.

Yes it is true that bare feet in grass is a great feeling. It even makes sense to have bare feet in your own house. 

However, I draw the line when I see a dorky hipster at the stand up urinal in the men's washroom in nothing but bare feet. He takes a nice long pee (standing in the offspray of his own urine) and then proceeds to tread that bathroom stuff out into the hallways. Does anyone else not see how disgustingly wrong this is???

I had to fight off a strong desire to beat him to the ground with my handy pocket truncheon.

But seriously, this is just disgusting, unhealthy, and spreads disease everywhere.

These selfish hipsters think they are being so revolutionary and 'naturalistic' in their bare-foot trend. The fact is that shoes were invented to prevent the intake of diseases that can be contracted through the feet. 

Such things may include:

1. Hepatitis A, B, and/or C, from stepping on rusted objects or tracking in urine or blood.
2. AIDS from stepping on needles, glass etc.
3. Internal worms (of which the most well known is Hookworms which burrow into the toenails or fleshy soles of the foot and work their way into the body)
4. Fungal warts.....pretty self explanatory
5. Gangrene, this occurs when the feet are overexposed to wet or dirty environments for long periods of time. 
6. Poisonous animal bites such as snakes, spiders, and worms which prey on exposed feet. When in long grass or wooded areas this is especially a concern. The average person has 2-15 minutes to live after being bitten by venomous animals. 

These are serious health concerns. But does the modern-day "grounding" hipster care? No of course not. The hipster only cares about how they are perceived by others which is extremely selfish and stupid. 

By grounding the hipsters are indeed perceived by other people.....

......Perceived as moronic and disgusting unhygienic human beings.

I am personally going to make colourful brochures and hand them out to every hipster I see who is grounding detailing the terrible things that can happen to them if they decide to not wear shoes wherever they go. The more graphic the better.

Or maybe I'll just give them a little slip of paper that says: "Over 1 million people die a year from not wearing shoes. AFRICA."

Grounding does not make you cool. Or connected to the earth. Or better then everyone else. 

Grounding makes you a retard.

Gahhh. That is all

Mucus Breathing Monsters

I am not a germaphobe, I actually have great genetics and hardly ever get sick (look at me being all egotistical!!). 

However there is something to be said about people who are sick with mucus-like infections and don't do anything about prevention.

I believe what should be done is to hit them with wooden sticks so they can't move or further infect people.

Kind of like those zombie movies.

These are the try-hards who refuse to stay home from school/work for even 1 bloody day in order to get themselves feeling better.

Oh no, they MUST attend public functions.

Being sick with bronchitis or lung infections is no big deal to them.

Most often, this ends up being in the school environment where they sit in class (many times during an exam) and are just leaking slime and mucus out of their eyes, ears, and nose.

To compound this disgustingness, they do not have anything to blow their nose with and simply suck up all the snot into their brains like large vacuum cleaners making that ever-lovely *schnuuuuuck* sound that you are probably familiar with. 

I can just imagine all this mucus balling up inside of their heads into a happy little family that sticks together extremely well.

AND they also cough with their mouths open, letting the whole world know that they are full of puke and grossness while simultaneously tripling the chances of everyone else around them getting sick.

Newsflash: It's called Kleenex.

Do not wipe your snot on your sleeve, or on your hands, or on your binder....please for all things merciful use kleenex.

If you absolutely have to sniff it up your nose, please use little sniffs for a short period of time until you can get to a washroom. And never suck your snot during an exam please, it's super irritating.

If you are so deathly sick that this option is not possible and you just have phlegm dripping off your ruddy face, then for crying out loud stay home!!

Really, you are not accomplishing anything by going out in public except for ensuring that 1/5 people that you meet will get sick from what you have.

If you have any kindness, take a few days, get some sleep and relax. 

If you absolutely must attend school to write a test (or heaven forbid you can't miss 1 measly class) then you'd better arm yourself properly!

I expect to see hand sanitizer (small bottle is acceptable) and tissues stuffed into your backpack into large quantities.

Also, I expect that you have taken something in order to limit the amount of mucus streaming out of your body onto public spaces. I suggest Buckley's or some other disgusting medicine that works wonders.

And by golly, you'd better be washing those slimy snot-crested hands at every opportunity you get.

Last but not least....

Warn people you are sick first!!

It's no good to tell people you are sick after you have slobbered all over their faces, or stuck your hands to their homework....or even high-fived them 1 billion times.

At least if you have warned them, they can make their own decisions about how to respond to you.

But for all you irresponsible mucus breathing monsters......

Putting your mucus into my personal space is no different then if you were to poop in my mouth.

Just don't do it.

Stay home and get better.

The world will not end because you must slow down for a few days.

Gross.

That is all. 

Dead Fish Disease

This is not about fish, this is not about being sick, this is not about being dead--but at the same time it is about all of these things; this is the dreaded Dead Fish handshake.

Yes, a handshake.

But this is not any ordinary handshake, oh no. You see, most humans have been brought up by their parents and peers to utilize a handshake as a greeting or means of introduction.  Those who haven’t are mutations of real people and are in desperate need of a vaccine. Please inform the WHO if you find one asap.

Anyways, the proper protocol dictates you shake hands with the other person, squeezing relatively firmly up and down (maximum 2 times lest it become awkward). You give a small smile and perhaps say “Hello” or “How are you? I’m McAwesome Man”. Your hands are clean and somewhat warm....the exchange goes smoothly and you have made a good impression on the other person. No venomous thoughts occur.

Dead Fish Disease on the other hand, is an abomination to the world of handshakes and hello’s. The individuals with this disease do NOT shake hands. Rather they extend a limp, slimy appendage to you as you reach out for a handshake. Covered with cold and clammy sweat, and a sheen that can only be described as ‘mucus-like’, they drop their hand into yours. Not knowing any better, you follow the proper handshake protocol and squeeze slightly firmly. You suddenly experience the following emotions and feelings:

1. They do not squeeze back.
2. Their hand is limp as a dead fish.
3. They do not smile.
4. They gaze through you towards a distant fog.
5. They make a gill-like fish slurping noise.
6. You feel like you are shaking a cold bag of squishy Jello.
7. You draw your hand away....it smells like toad farts.
8. Gross.

Now I don’t know how the rest of you feel when this occurs, but I get filled with an inner rage and repulsion. I want to take out my personal fish bonker and club them dead while yelling: “FISH FOR SUPPER, FISH FOR SUPPER!!”

It’s just a handshake, seriously. If you’re too scared to shake hands and sweat profusely, then stay home and maybe drink some hand sanitizer. Or else learn the high five/fist pound. The human hand is one of the strongest structures in the body, so nobody buys your garbage that you can’t physically have a firm handshake. And also.....CLEAN YOUR DISGUSTING HANDS! Haven’t you ever heard of washing your urine and bodily germs off your hands? Or making sure that you don’t rub your mucus-sneezes all over your hands in vigorous rubbing motions? Yeesh. 

Oh, and last thing about you who suffer from Dead Fish Disease. YOU ARE ALL WARM-BLOODED VERTEBRAE WITH CEREBRAL CORTEX’S—ACT LIKE ONE.

Otherwise we will spear hunt you all to death:

“FISH FOR SUPPER, FISH FOR SUPPER!”

That is all.