At the Gym: Brosefs

Brosefs are pretty sweet.

Naaaaaaat. 

Now I'm not talking the 2 guys (or girls I suppose) who go for a workout together and just get it done.

I'm not even really that angered by a group of 3 people.

However, crowds of 4+ bro's who are all in wife beaters and sweatpants (to hide the fact that their routine consists of chest/bi's day in and out) is unacceptable and stupid.

Here is why: 

1. They use the same machine/bench for about 1 hour because they rotate through using it. During this time, they don't let anyone else use it (or want to because it becomes slimy with bro sweat), and they each do 3x50 reps on it.
2. In addition to #1, when NOT using the machine, the pack gets tired easily (most likely because their spindly legs are unable to support their unbalanced frame) and they sit. Everywhere. On the floor, on the machines, on each other, etc. Stop it.
3. Yeah, we all see that you are here to workout. Announcing your workout to the world by yelling "d0000000000000d SICK MANNN!!" every ten seconds is unnecessary and causes shifting of the world's tectonic plates.
4. Working out in a pack of people does not make you workout better.Or cooler.
5. I dunno how everyone else feels but I find it a little creepy when you see 5 guys who have all coordinated wearing the same thing to workout in. Hey, I have no problem with guys wearing muscle shirts or tank tops.......just not wife beats, and not all of them.
6. They pretend to be hardcore, but really you never see them break a sweat. If you don't sweat, it's not a workout. (Unless you suffer from Chromhidrosis.....in which case you are excused because nobody wants to see you sweat out weird looking colours from your body.)
7. The gym is to workout at. Not for learning gang symbols or how to refer to people as "bro, d00d, brosef, man" etc. Especially if said people are white.

So all that I'm asking is that you be mindful of others at the gym and leave your stampede of friends at home. Work out with 1 or 2 friends tops, and actually go to the gym with a purpose. Be considerate of other people and don't use your infantile age or inexperience as an excuse--everyone knows basic politeness and protocol.

Brosef.......

Get out.

For real.

That is all.

At the Gym: Ipod Idiots

Here's the thing.

You go to the gym to workout, exercise, or whatever it is you do. ( I really really really hope this is why you go. If not, find a trainer.)

You take your Ipod with you to listen to music/pump you up/motivate you/focus/enjoy whatever.

The problem is when you become an Ipod idiot and you have your earbuds shoved so far into your eardrums and turned up so loud that you couldn't hear air raid sirens if they went off 2 feet away from you.

Don't think I don't know what you experience......because trust me if I turn my hearing aids off I can achieve exactly the same effect. And if you honestly think your music isn't that loud...think again doofus.

Know what happens?? 

• You constantly bump into people because you don't hear them behind you
• You don't hear if someone asks to use the machine you are using or when you will be done with it
• You don't hear someone yelling at you to "WATCH OUT" when a weighted bar is swinging at your face
• You act completely aloof and distant when at the water fountain which makes people convinced you are a Latchkey Child
• People mistake you for being syndromish
• You head-bob back and forth, up and down to your gangsta beatzzz, but can't respond when someone tells you your butt-crack is showing to the world
• A car-key gnome will jump on the back of your treadmill and  pickpocket your locker keys from you without you hearing them. They then steal your car-keys and hide them in an obscure place so you can't find them. Or they steal your Honda. Darn car-key gnomes.

This is  extremely annoying and hmmmmmmm I dunno.............DANGEROUS???

I mean it's one thing if you're at your house listening to your music so loud you drown out the world--fine.

But to be where people are swinging around heavy objects and dropping weights and gathered in clustered group is just idiotic. 

Let's be realistic here, if you want to listen to music by all means go for it!

But make sure you can at least hear the people around you so you can be normal, not seem like a moron, and generally stop accidents from happening.

When I see these Ipod head-bangers I want to just punch them in the face and then take a dumbbell and smash it mercilessly into their Ipod.

1,000,000 times.

Until it is a pile of ground up twisted metal and plastic and wires on the ground.

Good riddance.

Ugh. 

At the Gym: This is Not a Pig Pen

Alright, so being the type of person who goes to the gym (as in multipurpose recreation workout centre), for the purpose of exercise (not for stupid conversations), I have stumbled upon all manner of cretins.

Cretin: 

1) a person suffering from cretinism

2) a stupid, obtuse, or mentally defective person

It seems that the current "Jersey Shore" phenomenon has attracted some serious cretins to the exercise centre. 

And yes I mean extremely dumb, low-key, unintelligent, degenerate, base, drooling, human slug-brains. 

SO.....

The next while will be spent on the things that I have noticed over my time in the gym, feel free to enlighten me on any additional people I miss out (but wait at least a week because goodness there are lots of stupid people at the gym). 

So anyways, today I'm at the gym in the zone, getting my workout done when I hear this loud squealing noise.

Now when I say squealing, I'm not talking baby-squealing.......this was more of an animalistic squeal.

Like a grunt given by an elephant in labour mixed with a noise to be expected from a constipated seal who is having problems with it's sphincter control.

In fact, it sounded just like a pig.

A really loud, obnoxious, dirty, human, pig.

I was actually frightened. 

For a moment I thought that perhaps a terrible accident had occured at the zoo and the animals escaped and were loose in town and had broken in and were terrorizing people. (This is due to the fact that lions and tigers and monkeys have escaped before and caused havoc in many small towns.....see Google for some amusing stories.

Anyways, I quickly realized the following facts: 

• I do not live close to a zoo.
• We do not have pigs in our zoo.
• There is no way a pig physically could have broken into the workout centre and somehow made it up the stairs and into the general space past 5,000 people. (number greatly exaggerated here).

Conclusion: This pig is a person.

So, I gaze around for the perp of this disgusting animalistic noise and discover: GASP!

A douchebag.

Well surprise surprise Batman (somehow not surprising whatsoever). 

What was surprising was the fact that this was a guy doing the bench press and he was having a friend of his spot him while lifting. He was bench pressing 135 lbs (that is 1- 45 lb plate on either side of the barbell fyi).

Ok, that part is fine, in fact I applaud him for doing that amount of weight with decent form because he looked like he weighed 150 lbs. 

BUT, as I watched him do his reps, he began this screaming, grunting, squealing noise as he pushed the weight up and down. 

His face turned tomato red and he looked like he had to pound out a growler super bad (if you don't understand this term, I suggest you are better off not knowing. I thank a good friend of mine for this terminology.)

The sound was so loud it echoed across the entire gym and was super distracting. Heads turned. The ladies were not impressed. (By the way never P.O. the ladies at the gym who are actually there to workout because they are nooooooot happy campers).

Breathe.

Seriously dude. 

Obviously someone has never informed this mentally obtuse individual that screaming like a pig does not help you accomplish anything. 

I can understand if he was breathing heavily or even gasping a little bit because yes....there is some evidence that a little bit of a grunt (pushing air out) can help you lift heavy weights.

But that would be like 225 lbs.

At least. 

AND it would still not be a yelping sound that makes it sound as though a herd of pigs have just been victimized by an angry farmer with a whipping cane.

Let's get real here, the gym is not a pig pen.

Yes.....I have grunted before. I'll admit it.

No......I have never done it louder then an F-35 fighter jet doing a flyover at 500 feet. 

Stop it.

Or else I will come over and drop my dumbbells on your head and squish you into the ground. 

So annoying. 

That is all.