Wednesday, 23 November 2011

The Santa Rap Rant

Christmas is approaching and I am already annoyed with people who refuse to wish you "Merry Christmas" and instead say "Happy Holidays". 
Are you kidding me? St. Patrick's Day and Halloween and Easter and Remembrance Day are all holidays. 
Do we say "Happy Holidays on those days??

No. We don't.

So cut it out with the "Happy Holidays".
And also with the Santa.

Santa was not born on Christmas Day and is not the purpose of Christmas, despite what Hallmark would have you believe.
If you honestly think that, I seriously suggest you go do some research to further your knowledge of World Religions, religious holidays, and Hallmark's policy of selling $5.00 cards.

Anyways, here is my tongue in cheek rap concerning Santa Clause. 
If you can't get the tune, bully for you. But it is rapped. (had to resist using the pun: wrapped, just saying).
And actually I'd be more then happy to rap it out for you because even rapping requires melody, not the ability to be in tune or sing--which I can't do.


The Santa Rap

Yo we’ve heard ‘bout bad boy Santa and his Christmass-ing ways
His swiggin’ of the eggnog and his stupid reindeer games
His nice list, his not list,
His cacophony of boxes; an’ just to top it
He’s not even a saint; little red, a little large but this fool he just ain't,

No he ain’t even real; turns out he's just a laminate,
A painted perty picture of a fatty that we hate
So we beat him to the ground watch that big red suit turn brown,
Then we strip him of his reindeer and we kick 'im outta town.

We gather up his elves (with them hats, all those fools)
And his wife and his boots, and all them silly little tools
We lock ‘em to a pole way out there in the snow
That’s NORTH Pole—THE ICECAP --we never let ’em go
Leave ‘em with a ghetto blaster blarin’ Christmas tunes
RU-dolph, some Sleigh -Waltz, some Inner city Blues

No we won’t even feel sad, not a bit
Not a lot, Santa’s just a kiddy fad
A PRE-tend, UN-real, Coca-Cola ad
So we stick it to the man,
And this Christmas just got better,
Don’t gotta waste the paper writin’ out that silly letter

Cuz this whole crazy Santa thing just ain’t in style
Celebratin’ Christmas for him man we’d miss it by a mile;
I mean the reason: the season, no it ain’t just about smiles
Or good elves, or bad elves, or focusing on ourselves

Forget that bad boy Santa and his Christmass-ing ways,
Learn about the purpose: just why we celebrate,
That’s purpose--not porpoise--makes sense yes of course it does!
So get those silly Santa thoughts pushed out of your way,
And have yourself a HA-ppy, a SNA-ppy, a blessed Christmas Day!

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