Friday, 25 November 2011

At the Gym: This is Not a Pig Pen

Alright, so being the type of person who goes to the gym (as in multipurpose recreation workout centre), for the purpose of exercise (not for stupid conversations), I have stumbled upon all manner of cretins.

1) a person suffering from cretinism
2) a stupid, obtuse, or mentally defective person

It seems that the current "Jersey Shore" phenomenon has attracted some serious cretins to the exercise centre. 

And yes I mean extremely dumb, low-key, unintelligent, degenerate, base, drooling, human slug-brains. 

The next while will be spent on the things that I have noticed over my time in the gym, feel free to enlighten me on any additional people I miss out (but wait at least a week because goodness there are lots of stupid people at the gym). 

So anyways, today I'm at the gym in the zone, getting my workout done when I hear this loud squealing noise.

Now when I say squealing, I'm not talking baby-squealing.......this was more of an animalistic squeal.

Like a grunt given by an elephant in labour mixed with a noise to be expected from a constipated seal who is having problems with it's sphincter control.

In fact, it sounded just like a pig.

A really loud, obnoxious, dirty, human, pig.

I was actually frightened. 
For a moment I thought that perhaps a terrible accident had occured at the zoo and the animals escaped and were loose in town and had broken in and were terrorizing people. (This is due to the fact that lions and tigers and monkeys have escaped before and caused havoc in many small towns.....see Google for some amusing stories.

Anyways, I quickly realized the following facts: 
  • I do not live close to a zoo.
  • We do not have pigs in our zoo.
  • There is no way a pig physically could have broken into the workout centre and somehow made it up the stairs and into the general space past 5,000 people. (number greatly exaggerated here).
Conclusion: This pig is a person.

So, I gaze around for the perp of this disgusting animalistic noise and discover: GASP!

A douchebag.

Well surprise surprise Batman (somehow not surprising whatsoever). 

What was surprising was the fact that this was a guy doing the bench press and he was having a friend of his spot him while lifting. He was bench pressing 135 lbs (that is 1- 45 lb plate on either side of the barbell fyi).

Ok, that part is fine, in fact I applaud him for doing that amount of weight with decent form because he looked like he weighed 150 lbs. 

BUT, as I watched him do his reps, he began this screaming, grunting, squealing noise as he pushed the weight up and down. 
His face turned tomato red and he looked like he had to pound out a growler super bad (if you don't understand this term, I suggest you are better off not knowing. I thank a good friend of mine for this terminology.)

The sound was so loud it echoed across the entire gym and was super distracting. Heads turned. The ladies were not impressed. (By the way never P.O. the ladies at the gym who are actually there to workout because they are nooooooot happy campers).


Seriously dude. 

Obviously someone has never informed this mentally obtuse individual that screaming like a pig does not help you accomplish anything. 
I can understand if he was breathing heavily or even gasping a little bit because yes....there is some evidence that a little bit of a grunt (pushing air out) can help you lift heavy weights.

But that would be like 225 lbs.
At least. 
AND it would still not be a yelping sound that makes it sound as though a herd of pigs have just been victimized by an angry farmer with a whipping cane.

Let's get real here, the gym is not a pig pen.

Yes.....I have grunted before. I'll admit it.
No......I have never done it louder then an F-35 fighter jet doing a flyover at 500 feet. 

Stop it.

Or else I will come over and drop my dumbbells on your head and squish you into the ground. 

So annoying. 

That is all.

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