"When in Rome....Punch a Roman in the Face"

Alright so being a huge fan of history and all that jazz my title today is aptly titled. 

First, lets talk about the famous saying "When in Rome...do as the Romans do".

Well I've got news for you people: this is not Rome.

We do not have to "Do what the Romans do".

We are not sheep.

We are not mindless lemmings.

Now why might I say something like this??

Hmmmm I dunno......could it possibly be that I have come to notice that stupidity is contagious amongst stupid people??

Why yes, that is exactly the reason why.

Stupid people help other stupid people be more stupid.

Or as I like to say "Stupid is as stupid does"

And stupid people is something we could all use a little less of in our lives.

Consider these two examples to understand how this process works:

Example #1

- A person is driving along and sees someone in front of them who abruptly changes lanes without signaling and speeds up. This angers them.

-This person then ends up stuck behind a piece of junk 2007 "Mazda Molasses" that is moving as fast as it's name implies on the highway. This angers them.

-Thus they abruptly change lanes and speed up without signaling because--after all-- that is clearly now acceptable because they saw the person before them just do the same thing.This angers everyone who is not stupid.

-Thus stupidity spawns stupidity, and is caused by stupidity that was present in the moron driving the Mazda. 

Example #2

- A group of 5 people are sitting at a table in a restaurant. One of these people has an extremely loud voice that sounds like the mating call of a beluga whale. This is annoying.

-This one person then yells out their conversation to the rest of the table interspersed with "OMG IT WAS SO FUNNAYYYYY and SO THEN THE OTHER DAY I TOLD MY DAUGHTER BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH". This is even more annoying.

-She is being so loud in her conversation that her friends feel a little overpowered and think that she must be talking loudly because the surrounding restaurant is really loud. This is untrue.

-Her friends then all increase their voices until it sounds like a posse of wailing banshees stuffing their faces with food. The waitress does absolutely nothing and acts like it is completely normal. This is infuriating.

-Thus stupidity spawns stupidity, and is caused by stupidity in the moron waitress who failed to inform the lady that she is yelling like a fire marshal. 

Just because somebody else does something or acts a certain way does NOT mean that you are entitled to do the same thing.

Nor does it mean that it is the proper or right thing to do. 

The excuse "Well they did it" is absolute garbage. 

This is not Rome. We do not do as the Romans do. 

In fact, "When in Rome, you should punch a Roman in the face."

That way, there will be less stupid people in Rome. 

And we all know how much we hate stupid people. 

Ugh. 

That is all. 

Stupid Street Names

Alright so for those of you who already hate driving and bad drivers and the excessive amount of street lights we have, consider something else:

Stupid street names.

Now I know that in most of the civilized world, there are specific numbers and addresses for locations which can then be put into a GPS (or looked up etc.).

This is all fine and dandy until you run into areas that have been designed by city planners who had one too many shots of bourbon before pulling out their designer sheets.

I have this irritation constantly as for some bizarre reason there seems to be a bunch of areas that do NOT have numbers, avenues, or streets. 

Rather they are named after obscure

a) animals

b) trees/plants

c) places

d) objects of no significance

Not only this, but they are grouped together in clusters and run into each other due to winding and twisting roadways, which makes deciphering the maze near impossible

For instance, you are trying to find a school that is obscurely located on "Robin Lane".

Well in driving along you suddenly realize you are on Robin Boulevard, which then turns into Robin Road, Robin Vista, Robin Crescent, Robin Corner, Robin Way, Robin Place, Robin Cove, Robin Street, Robin Nook, Robin Ridge, Robin End.......... Christopher Robin.......Robin Hood.........Red Robin.....finally you think you must have passed all the possible "Robin" names that can be invented, and guess what??

You have!!

But next thing you know, it has switched to a completely different species of bird (that is vaguely similar) Sparrow Road, Sparrow Lane, Sparrow Vista, Sparrow Crescent, Sparrow Corner, Sparrow Way, Bluejay Beauvista (whoa wait where did THAT come from??).

You consider that you must have gone too far and thus turn around, making your drive painstakingly back through the stupid streets to try and find that elusive "Robin Lane". 

You drive through the birds again..... all the bluejays, sparrows, swallows, chickadees, pigeons, hawks, macaws, seagulls, ravens....and every other kind of bird thinkable till.finally you go through the robins.

At this point, you feel like murdering every single species of bird that has ever inhabited the planet in a fit of rage and anger. 

You appreciate those wind farms, oil spills, airplanes,  and glass windows that claim the lives of thousands of birds every year a whole heck of a lot more.

Anyways, you are unable to find this "Robin Lane" and thus give up and drive home. Upon later realization (often when informed by someone else who fell prey to the same problem), Robin Lane is actually the ONE pseudonym that does NOT exist and you just got the wrong address from the person who gave you the directions in the first place.

Why did they give you the wrong address you might ask?? 

Because it's so bloody difficult to keep your head on straight when there are 5,000,000,000 roads that are named after birds in one stupid area.

Whyyyyyy must cruel city planners do this to us?? 

I honestly believe that this stupid street planning is the reason that so many people hate nature and going outside. Because every time they see that poplar tree all they can think about is:

"Man I wish I could cut that tree down and burn it because it reminds me of the time I was trying to find Poplar Place among the pines, spruces, evergreens, willows, oaks, and maples, and couldn't do it. You know what actually let's just burn down all the poplars. Actually lets one up that and burn down all the trees in general"

And yes. I feel this way. 

I sincerely wish that some of these city planners could be taken on a tour or scavenger hunt where they are required to see and find things from all of these ridiculously named areas. 

With no GPS.

With no vehicle.

With no guide.

With no food or water. 

I can guarantee they would not survive. 

Which in the grand scheme of things is probably for the best. 

Seriously, enough with the stupid street names. 

Ugh.

10 Reasons Why I Hate Final Exams

Alright people so now that you are all winding up your exams (and I am done my stupid stupid stupid stupid projects), I have decided to start my blog up again.

You're welcome in advance for not giving you an excuse for distraction from your 24 hour ( and completely unnecessary) studying. 

Here is my list of why I hate final exams and the end of school semesters and I'm pretty sure you can empathize with me:

1. Your profs seem like reasonable people for the entire year. They even seem to have relatively reasonable expectations for your assignments and work. Then finals come and all of a sudden they ask you to memorize and know everything that they a) never taught you b) has nothing to do with the course c) is written in another language like Swahili. Suddenly you realize that they never were actually real people at all, just power hungry soul-eating monsters.

2. Nobody is able to do ANYTHING during the 2 weeks of finals. Apparently people are under the impression that imprisoning themselves in their houses/library for 24 hours a day is extremely effective in helping them understand information for their finals. Fact: it is clinically proven that breaks from studying for periods of 1-2 hours helps you retain information better and stay motivated. It's so annoying when people refuse to even go out for coffee because they are "studying soooooooooooooooo hard". Really??? Grow up. 

3. During finals everyone updates their Facebook statuses to how they're soooooooooo stressed out about exams, and they hate studying, and they hate life, hate their professors, hate their friends, hate the noise their pet hamsters make while they are studying, hate windows--because looking outside makes them sad....etc. etc. I guess this is a step forward for those Emo people who constantly put statuses reflecting how sad and depressed they are about everything.....but really??? We all know you are writing finals and are stressed. Please refrain from putting up such drivel for your facebook statuses. Ugh.

4. Ok more annoying then the facebook statuses is the plethora of TWITTER updates. As in.....twitter updates every 5 minutes about your life as a student. "Still studying........I hate biology.........student+dying=studying........." You get the point. Nobody cares, deal with it. 

5. If you are writing exams during winter semester, chances are you have not had the chance to complete your Christmas shopping. This means that the malls are filled with angry, stressed out students who are trying to get their gifts while thinking about their stupid finals and exams that they have to write. Understandably this causes for some exciting "Christmas cheer moments" with ignorant employees who have never gone to post-secondary institutions and don't understand what we are dealing with. You are given full permission to beat them senseless with your shoe.

6. I think people are bad drivers in general, but there is an increase in poor drivers around finals because students think it is a GENIUS idea to study while driving. Really?? Put down your stupid notes for 10 minutes and concentrate on driving. You will not fail your exam or die losing that little amount of time. People's lives are at stake when driving, and if you kill little Jimmy or Sally I will personally hold you responsible. Safety first!

7. Finals reveal how little you actually learn during 1 semester. Which really angers students because you realize that you spent a billion dollars on your school semester only to learn......nothing. For instance, the thing I remember most from this semester was the fact that an Elephant would beat a Rhinoceros in a real-life fight. How sad. 

8. Finals causes civility and hygiene to go out the window. You can spot a student who is in the midst of finals because they appear disheveled and unkempt. They are ragged and often have spots of drool and saliva on their clothes/faces. Also, they have put on weight due to the amount of time they have spent sitting and not moving, and may smell like urine and feces because of using a chamber pot instead of getting up to go to the bathroom. Most importantly, you can see a hint of madness gleaming in their eyes. Talking to a student in the middle of finals is like talking to a baboon on the edge of complete madness. Case in point: My overburdening desire while working on final projects to burn my notes and binder with gasoline while laughing like a maddened savage---I actually pictured this on a daily basis for about a week, and it made me feel warm and fuzzy.....something that would normally get you recommended for psychiatric evaluation. Hmmm.

9. Finals are worth an obscene amount of your mark. For no bloody reason. Your finals are just arbitrarily worth more then the rest of the work you do. Even though you spend way more time and effort during the semester doing work, none of that matters. What matters is that you can remember that one stupid sentence from a little bubble in your textbook word for word and be able to regurgitate it onto a page while under a time pressure constraint. This makes no sense, and is stupid.

10. Those cursed note-stealing gnomes!!! You know exactly what I'm talking about. You are studying for your finals and looking through your notes which you have carefully kept and organized for the semester. However, the ONE page that has the information you need has conveniently disappeared. You ask your classmates and find that they have all had the same experience. This is because of those irritating note-stealing gnomes that sneak around and steal important documents and hide them! Not to be confused with: car-key gnomes, wallet gnomes, watch gnomes, denture gnomes, jewelery gnomes, and clothe gnomes. Curse those gnomes.

Whew, I have been holding in my venting for a whole week.....it feels good to rail about the stupidity of people and things again. 

Seriously though final exams/exam week suck. 

Ugh. 

That is all.  

At the Gym: Brosefs

Brosefs are pretty sweet.

Naaaaaaat. 

Now I'm not talking the 2 guys (or girls I suppose) who go for a workout together and just get it done.

I'm not even really that angered by a group of 3 people.

However, crowds of 4+ bro's who are all in wife beaters and sweatpants (to hide the fact that their routine consists of chest/bi's day in and out) is unacceptable and stupid.

Here is why: 

1. They use the same machine/bench for about 1 hour because they rotate through using it. During this time, they don't let anyone else use it (or want to because it becomes slimy with bro sweat), and they each do 3x50 reps on it.
2. In addition to #1, when NOT using the machine, the pack gets tired easily (most likely because their spindly legs are unable to support their unbalanced frame) and they sit. Everywhere. On the floor, on the machines, on each other, etc. Stop it.
3. Yeah, we all see that you are here to workout. Announcing your workout to the world by yelling "d0000000000000d SICK MANNN!!" every ten seconds is unnecessary and causes shifting of the world's tectonic plates.
4. Working out in a pack of people does not make you workout better.Or cooler.
5. I dunno how everyone else feels but I find it a little creepy when you see 5 guys who have all coordinated wearing the same thing to workout in. Hey, I have no problem with guys wearing muscle shirts or tank tops.......just not wife beats, and not all of them.
6. They pretend to be hardcore, but really you never see them break a sweat. If you don't sweat, it's not a workout. (Unless you suffer from Chromhidrosis.....in which case you are excused because nobody wants to see you sweat out weird looking colours from your body.)
7. The gym is to workout at. Not for learning gang symbols or how to refer to people as "bro, d00d, brosef, man" etc. Especially if said people are white.

So all that I'm asking is that you be mindful of others at the gym and leave your stampede of friends at home. Work out with 1 or 2 friends tops, and actually go to the gym with a purpose. Be considerate of other people and don't use your infantile age or inexperience as an excuse--everyone knows basic politeness and protocol.

Brosef.......

Get out.

For real.

That is all.

At the Gym: Cartilage Grinders

Short and sweet, but super annoying.

So.......you go to the gym and are proceeding through your run or workout as per the usual. 

All of a sudden you hear this disgusting popping, clicking, grinding sound.

As loud and spine-tingling as fingernails being screeched down a chalkboard. Yeuuuck.

You look around and you notice someone swinging weights around violently as if they were caught in the midst of a terrible tornado they can`t escape and the weights are glued to their hands.

You see their hands flailing around, and their shoulder joints continuously become dislocated and make sickening crunching noises.

Their elbows distend and pop with loud clicking sounds, their necks wrench back and forth furiously, their tendons snap spasmodically back and forth, and it sounds as if their very bone marrow is splintering into shards within their body.

However, the person continues to mutilate them self mercilessly over and over and over and over and over (and over) again. 

I swear  you can just see the cartilage and protective structures within their body disintegrating as you watch them.

What morons. 

They think that swinging weights around with no proper form or structure must be good for them. 

They don`t understand the concept of bones, and muscles, and tendons, and everything else that is set up to help your body move PROPERLY and WITHOUT PAIN.

These are the same doofusès who end up having to go to physio or the chiropractor because they injure themselves and complain of chronic pain after workouts.

Well duh.....what do you expect after you grind your cartilage to dust...sunshine and rainbows

Fact: bones will then grind on each other and you will be in severe pain.

It`s not that hard to become informed about the proper protocol of lifting weights. 

If it`s so heavy that you have to break form and do it improperly, you need to lessen the weight, even if it means deflating your ego a bit.

If you simply don`t know how to lift weights properly, which may be the case, drop a couple bucks, hire a trainer for one session (maybe 2) and they will show you the proper way to do the exercises. No big deal. I highly recommend this.

You can even find decent information online via Youtube and other websites on how to do exercises properly and to prevent pain and self-mutilation.

Nobody wants to hear that disgusting bone-grinding and crunching noise at the gym.

And no, I will not help you unless you ask me to because I consider your future pain to be your own problem due to your ignorance and inability to learn proper technique.

Not only do these people anger me, but they sadden me. 

:( 

Sad face.

Now stop grinding your cartilage and learn how to do it properly.

Or leave and never enter the gym again.

That is all.

At the Gym: Ipod Idiots

Here's the thing.

You go to the gym to workout, exercise, or whatever it is you do. ( I really really really hope this is why you go. If not, find a trainer.)

You take your Ipod with you to listen to music/pump you up/motivate you/focus/enjoy whatever.

The problem is when you become an Ipod idiot and you have your earbuds shoved so far into your eardrums and turned up so loud that you couldn't hear air raid sirens if they went off 2 feet away from you.

Don't think I don't know what you experience......because trust me if I turn my hearing aids off I can achieve exactly the same effect. And if you honestly think your music isn't that loud...think again doofus.

Know what happens?? 

• You constantly bump into people because you don't hear them behind you
• You don't hear if someone asks to use the machine you are using or when you will be done with it
• You don't hear someone yelling at you to "WATCH OUT" when a weighted bar is swinging at your face
• You act completely aloof and distant when at the water fountain which makes people convinced you are a Latchkey Child
• People mistake you for being syndromish
• You head-bob back and forth, up and down to your gangsta beatzzz, but can't respond when someone tells you your butt-crack is showing to the world
• A car-key gnome will jump on the back of your treadmill and  pickpocket your locker keys from you without you hearing them. They then steal your car-keys and hide them in an obscure place so you can't find them. Or they steal your Honda. Darn car-key gnomes.

This is  extremely annoying and hmmmmmmm I dunno.............DANGEROUS???

I mean it's one thing if you're at your house listening to your music so loud you drown out the world--fine.

But to be where people are swinging around heavy objects and dropping weights and gathered in clustered group is just idiotic. 

Let's be realistic here, if you want to listen to music by all means go for it!

But make sure you can at least hear the people around you so you can be normal, not seem like a moron, and generally stop accidents from happening.

When I see these Ipod head-bangers I want to just punch them in the face and then take a dumbbell and smash it mercilessly into their Ipod.

1,000,000 times.

Until it is a pile of ground up twisted metal and plastic and wires on the ground.

Good riddance.

Ugh. 

At the Gym: This is Not a Pig Pen

Alright, so being the type of person who goes to the gym (as in multipurpose recreation workout centre), for the purpose of exercise (not for stupid conversations), I have stumbled upon all manner of cretins.

Cretin: 

1) a person suffering from cretinism

2) a stupid, obtuse, or mentally defective person

It seems that the current "Jersey Shore" phenomenon has attracted some serious cretins to the exercise centre. 

And yes I mean extremely dumb, low-key, unintelligent, degenerate, base, drooling, human slug-brains. 

SO.....

The next while will be spent on the things that I have noticed over my time in the gym, feel free to enlighten me on any additional people I miss out (but wait at least a week because goodness there are lots of stupid people at the gym). 

So anyways, today I'm at the gym in the zone, getting my workout done when I hear this loud squealing noise.

Now when I say squealing, I'm not talking baby-squealing.......this was more of an animalistic squeal.

Like a grunt given by an elephant in labour mixed with a noise to be expected from a constipated seal who is having problems with it's sphincter control.

In fact, it sounded just like a pig.

A really loud, obnoxious, dirty, human, pig.

I was actually frightened. 

For a moment I thought that perhaps a terrible accident had occured at the zoo and the animals escaped and were loose in town and had broken in and were terrorizing people. (This is due to the fact that lions and tigers and monkeys have escaped before and caused havoc in many small towns.....see Google for some amusing stories.

Anyways, I quickly realized the following facts: 

• I do not live close to a zoo.
• We do not have pigs in our zoo.
• There is no way a pig physically could have broken into the workout centre and somehow made it up the stairs and into the general space past 5,000 people. (number greatly exaggerated here).

Conclusion: This pig is a person.

So, I gaze around for the perp of this disgusting animalistic noise and discover: GASP!

A douchebag.

Well surprise surprise Batman (somehow not surprising whatsoever). 

What was surprising was the fact that this was a guy doing the bench press and he was having a friend of his spot him while lifting. He was bench pressing 135 lbs (that is 1- 45 lb plate on either side of the barbell fyi).

Ok, that part is fine, in fact I applaud him for doing that amount of weight with decent form because he looked like he weighed 150 lbs. 

BUT, as I watched him do his reps, he began this screaming, grunting, squealing noise as he pushed the weight up and down. 

His face turned tomato red and he looked like he had to pound out a growler super bad (if you don't understand this term, I suggest you are better off not knowing. I thank a good friend of mine for this terminology.)

The sound was so loud it echoed across the entire gym and was super distracting. Heads turned. The ladies were not impressed. (By the way never P.O. the ladies at the gym who are actually there to workout because they are nooooooot happy campers).

Breathe.

Seriously dude. 

Obviously someone has never informed this mentally obtuse individual that screaming like a pig does not help you accomplish anything. 

I can understand if he was breathing heavily or even gasping a little bit because yes....there is some evidence that a little bit of a grunt (pushing air out) can help you lift heavy weights.

But that would be like 225 lbs.

At least. 

AND it would still not be a yelping sound that makes it sound as though a herd of pigs have just been victimized by an angry farmer with a whipping cane.

Let's get real here, the gym is not a pig pen.

Yes.....I have grunted before. I'll admit it.

No......I have never done it louder then an F-35 fighter jet doing a flyover at 500 feet. 

Stop it.

Or else I will come over and drop my dumbbells on your head and squish you into the ground. 

So annoying. 

That is all.

The Santa Rap Rant

Christmas is approaching and I am already annoyed with people who refuse to wish you "Merry Christmas" and instead say "Happy Holidays". 

Are you kidding me? St. Patrick's Day and Halloween and Easter and Remembrance Day are all holidays. 

Do we say "Happy Holidays on those days??

No. We don't.

So cut it out with the "Happy Holidays".

And also with the Santa.

Santa was not born on Christmas Day and is not the purpose of Christmas, despite what Hallmark would have you believe.

If you honestly think that, I seriously suggest you go do some research to further your knowledge of World Religions, religious holidays, and Hallmark's policy of selling $5.00 cards.

Anyways, here is my tongue in cheek rap concerning Santa Clause. 

If you can't get the tune, bully for you. But it is rapped. (had to resist using the pun: wrapped, just saying).

And actually I'd be more then happy to rap it out for you because even rapping requires melody, not the ability to be in tune or sing--which I can't do.

Enjoy.

The Santa Rap

Yo we’ve heard ‘bout bad boy Santa and his Christmass-ing ways

His swiggin’ of the eggnog and his stupid reindeer games

His nice list, his not list,

His cacophony of boxes; an’ just to top it

He’s not even a saint; little red, a little large but this fool he just ain't,

No he ain’t even real; turns out he's just a laminate,

A painted perty picture of a fatty that we hate

So we beat him to the ground watch that big red suit turn brown,

Then we strip him of his reindeer and we kick 'im outta town.

We gather up his elves (with them hats, all those fools)

And his wife and his boots, and all them silly little tools

We lock ‘em to a pole way out there in the snow

That’s NORTH Pole—THE ICECAP --we never let ’em go

Leave ‘em with a ghetto blaster blarin’ Christmas tunes

RU-dolph, some Sleigh -Waltz, some Inner city Blues

No we won’t even feel sad, not a bit

Not a lot, Santa’s just a kiddy fad

A PRE-tend, UN-real, Coca-Cola ad

So we stick it to the man,

And this Christmas just got better,

Don’t gotta waste the paper writin’ out that silly letter

Cuz this whole crazy Santa thing just ain’t in style

Celebratin’ Christmas for him man we’d miss it by a mile;

I mean the reason: the season, no it ain’t just about smiles

Or good elves, or bad elves, or focusing on ourselves

Forget that bad boy Santa and his Christmass-ing ways,

Learn about the purpose: just why we celebrate,

That’s purpose--not porpoise--makes sense yes of course it does!

So get those silly Santa thoughts pushed out of your way,

And have yourself a HA-ppy, a SNA-ppy, a blessed Christmas Day!

Hearing Aids are Not Cellphones

Today I shall attempt to humour you with the lighter side of life.

Sort of.

The ignorance of some people astounds me.

For those of you who don't know this story let me enlighten you briefly.

I was waiting to talk to a teacher at the end of class and felt the watchful stare of a girl next to me.

Not wanting to appear rude, and curious as to what her problem was I asked her if she needed something.

She shook her head and stared at me with a glazed expression and exclaimed: "Those are SO COOL! I wish I had CELLPHONES like that!!!"

I was completely baffled as to what she was talking about, however after noticing that she was staring at my ears (I wear hearing aids see), I ascertained that she must have thought my hearing aids were cellphones.

................

I was actually at a loss for words and the only thing I could respond with in my lethargic shock was "..........they're not cell phones.....they're hearing aids......"

Oh but of course she just ignored my statement and said: "Seriously, coolest cell phones ever!!"

...........

Wow.

Really??!!

It would be like if I told a person in a wheelchair that I thought their bicycle was super cool.

Complete surrealism.

However, upon further reflection I realized that many people are ignorant about hearing aids.

Here are some of the things that people believe about hearing aids that I have heard from ACTUAL people in my life. Think carefully about the stupidity of some of these comments:

1. You can hear the radio with them.
2. They help you "hear colours".
3. You can hear martian sounds.
4. They are calibrated to hear frequencies ordinary humans can't hear, such as bats, dragonflies, and dolphins.
5. They are cellphones.
6. People with hearing aids have their own tone that is sounded at crosswalks that only they can hear that helps them cross safely (think hard about that one).
7. Hearing aids work on the concept of "echo-location" and sonar.
8. The sound we hear is not real sound, and people sound like C-3P0 from Star Wars.
9. Everyone with hearing aids is connected on a network.....like "hearing-aid wifi" (for serious).
10. That hearing aids make their own sounds and can be personalized.
11. Hearing aids can electrically shock you.
12. They give you super-hearing if you can already hear and you wear them.
13. They can store change.
14. They can be used as two-way radios.
15. If they work on animals.
16. They come with cool accessories like silver plating.
17. The hearing aids contain locators in case I lose one.
18. What would happen if they were buried under sand. (Really....??)
19. Fully deaf people are magically healed by hearing aids.
20. If I would be better off without them because I would be more deaf.

And many many many many many other things.

I know ignorance is bliss but.....really??

I feel like some people lack common sense and should probably get a brain scan.

The answer to all of the above questions is no. And if you bury them in sand you would a) lose them and b) they would get filled with sand and c) break.

Obviously.

Seriously people, learn about some things before asking such silly questions!!

Hahahahaha see me laughing??

SEE!!

Ugh.

Spitting is for Uncivilized Humans

Ok so I'm walking along behind a person taking my dog for a walk.

No big deal.

It's kind of cold outside, and I'm feeling a little grumpy due to being sick.

And so I'm just lost in thought, spurring my dog onwards through the cold when all of a sudden I hear this disgusting slurping/sucking snot noise in front of me.

I realize that it is coming from the man in front of me who has fully stopped walking in order to spit a huge ball of snot/mucus/spit from his mouth onto the sidewalk. 

The public sidewalk.

That people walk on.

People like me.

I walked slowly up to the area and noticed a disgusting yellow splotch of human intestinal remains on the sidewalk and deftly maneuvered my dog off the sidewalk around it.

The man kept walking as if nothing had happened, and continued to stop every 20 feet or so and spit a loogie on the sidewalk. Which I had to continuously step around.

Really??

Is it really that important for you to clean your orifices outside on the public sidewalk?? 

Do you actually think the whole world consists only of you Mr. Selfish-blob?

While you're at it sir, why don't you just pull down your pants and take a dump on the sidewalk so we can all enjoy the sight and stench of it while simultaneously almost stepping in it.

I mean you might as well, it's the same idea.

And after all, you are clearly the only person that matters in the world.

Seriously, this is just disgusting. At least have the decency and consideration to spit or deposit your slimy nostril and throat fluid into the snowbank NEXT to the sidewalk.

And maybe you should consider if other people are around you while you are doing it.

At the very least.

Nothing makes you seem like more of an unintelligent neanderthal then spitting continuously because you haven't learned how to swallow your spit properly (unless it's being a hipster). 

Can't you possibly have tissue to spit in? Or even a bottle for crying out loud.

Nobody wants to hear or see you spitting up bile and discovering what colour the last thing you ate or drank was.

Would you like to see me just throw up on the ground and leave it there? 

No of course not.

If you actually would, then you should seek therapeutic help because you are mentally deranged.

It's not that difficult to refrain from spitting in public and it is completely unnecessary to do so onto objects or the ground. 

Use a garbage bin, use your hand, use a bottle, use your sleeve, use a handkerchief, or just don't do it at all.

I firmly believe that there should be a bylaw for humans picking up their spit.

I mean we are required to clean up after our dogs and if you walk around spitting everywhere, you pretty much are a dog.

Spitting is for uncivilized humans.

 
Stop it.

Or I will call animal services and request you be tranquilized and impounded.

Ugh. 

Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Short and sweet today.

Keep your hands to yourself please strangers.

Do not:

touch me, rub me, poke me, pinch me, tickle me, pet me, grab me, embrace me, caress me, high-five me, force-handshake me, or do something else weird when we barely know each other.

I do not know you.

I do not want to know you.

I'm pretty sure the first lesson you learn from your parents is not to talk to/take candy from/touch or hold hands with/hug strangers.

So get your grubby mitts off of me.

I don't want your germs or STD's.

I don't want your hands (which have been who knows where) touching me in any way.

I don't want to make contact with your disgusting-ness.

If you can't keep your hands to yourself around strangers in public you should probably see a psychologist, your local OCD doctor, or go to jail.

Do not pass GO.

Do not collect $200.

Some people have no concept of appropriate ways to interact with strangers.

Seriously......personal bubble here.

Ugh the worst.

That is all.

Maybe It's Maybelline?!?

Ladies, this one goes out to you.

Sad face.

Today was just going like another normal day. You know, wake up....shower....eat cereal....go to school.....workout.....eat some more.....go shop around....

AND THEN THE CLOWNS CAME!!!

It was a complete surprise attack!!

These glowing monsters surrounded me in the mall with their strange costumes and painted faces and made strange noises that were comparable to the sound a merry-go-round or jack in the box make. (Dee dee deedly-dee dee dee). 

I tried to shoo them away with loud cries of VAMINOS VAMINOS!!

Epic fail.

It only made them clown around even more, shoving their painted faces closer towards mine as they giggled impishly

I swear two of them even squirted water out of their ears, but I could have just been hallucinating.

I began to sweat profusely as I imagined them attacking me with a bloody knife like reincarnations of those clown-murderer movies that are ever so popular.

They began to speak in a strange foreign language which at first I interpreted to be Maori Snap Whistling, but later realized was in fact English. 

Apparently clowns are literate...... who knew?

Actually, as I observed these scary beings close-up  I realized that they were not actually clowns.

They were ladies.

They were females.

I don't get it.

They had on face powder and fake eyelashes and mascara and eyelash stuff and every other kind of makeup imaginable.

Which would explain the clown-like appearance.

I'm pretty sure they probably could have scraped the makeup off of their faces and iced 5 triple layered cakes with it....that's how much they were wearing.

Completely unnecessary.

Upon closer inspection (read: trolling past them about 4 times while trying not to laugh) I even noticed that they were not bad looking girls!! 

In fact they could look quite nice and normal if they tried, however somebody impressed on them that 50 lbs of makeup immediately makes them look better.

That begs the question: Maybe it's Maybelline??

Fact: It does not make you look better.

You look scary.

You look like a clown.

You might try and kill me or my children.

Or pie me in the face and honk a bicycle horn.

Or suddenly rush around me on your unicylce.

Or hit me with a slapstick and laugh in a trilling voice.

Or.......

You get the point.

Please get rid of the excessive makeup, you're not helping anyone. 

A little bit of makeup....sure, awesome, no problem. I get that.

But please go easy on it ladies because nothing is scarier then seeing groups of clowns walk around tormenting the public. 

Pretty pretty pretty please go easy on the Maybelline.

Oh and FYI next time I see those girls in the mall, I plan on giving them all fake red noses and telling them to join the circus because they are super funny.

Just saying.

That is all.

We Hate Slow Walking Slug Humans

Hello Friendlies!

Today's rant is unique in that it is co-written by a good friend of mine! We shall refer to her as Erin. If you don't know her that's fine, if you do know her......well you completely understand why we decided to joint-write this blog entry.

Anyways, the format of this blog takes place in the form of a dialogue in which we converse back and forth with each other on the stupidity of the topic we have chosen. Hilariously enough, many of our conversations actually proceed exactly in this way. Don't believe me?? 

Well bully for you.

Today, we are discussing a much-loved type of person that you will encounter this Christmas season: The Slow-Walker. 

Erin why don't you share your ideas??

E: I personally feel like the world would be a better place if there was a police force that monitored the speed of peoples walking. I mean we as a society have devoted an entire task force to making sure that people drive the right speed, but has it ever been considered that these drivers are zipping around and speeding because of people walking JUST TOO SLOW?? 

It’s not only the fact that they walk slow. 

It’s that they walk slow in groups of 14 people, creating a Red Rover-esque lineup that does not allow any person past who wants to walk at a speed faster than one meter per minute. 

And when you politely approach them at what seems to be mach 4 and say “excuse me” they look at you with looks of disgust, as if you should not be trying to run the Boston Marathon in the middle of the mall, or in the middle of their school, or wherever you may be. 

They have set up their speed trap, trapping evil speed walkers like you, and you have been had.

But really, all you were trying to do was get from point A to point B before next Christmas.
Okay, I understand, not everyone is as able bodied as the rest of us, and I myself am not as vertically gifted as Jon, but I have trained my legs to move just a little bit faster so that I walk at a socially acceptable pace. 

You’re welcome. 

But let me assure you, that if I did want to walk at a snail’s pace I would do it up against the wall, making myself as invisible as possible, so as to not disturb the rest of the people who have places to be.

J: Oh I couldn’t agree more with you!! Think how effective a police force would be for slow walkers??!! If you walk too slowly, they could sprint past you and punch you in the kneecaps with staffs made of hardened resin and animal bone.

Or just push slow walkers onto the ground savagely so the rest of us can trample on them.

I’ve heard that flattened people make great pedestrian ramps and increase the standard of living. 

This could just be a rumour though.

Boy would that teach slow-walkers a lesson.

But you know what really gets me about these people Erin?? It’s that they will walk like normal people for points in time and then will suddenly cut in front of you and switch back to “caterpillar saunter” speed. 

For crying out loud, walk faster people. 

It’s not that hard to pick up your two appendages and place them one in front of the other at even a reasonably fast pace.

If you are too tired, or lack this ability, I suggest you STAY HOME and eat fistfuls of iron supplements or perhaps look into purchasing the book “Walking for Dummies”. 

You know what else is frustrating?? Not only is it a Red Rover-esque lineup that stretches across the walking space, but it frequently seems to be people who are built like NFL football linebackers. (Not strength wise, think width-wise). Thus even when you do perhaps try to slip past them innocuously you can’t physically get past their wall of human largeness. The only possible solution would be to crawl through their legs but a) that’s gross and b) I am a human not a slug.

E: I also think that people with a good walking record, like us, should be granted the privilege of low grade tasers, which we can use to break through this rugby scrum of snails so that we can get on with our days. this tactic will allow us to take control back from the army of linebackers who walk as slow as their brains operate. and i think THAT is the least that we can ask.

J: Ahhh yes, individual hand-held tasers....the perfect solution!! 

I wholeheartedly agree with this and I think it would be most effective in getting rid of shuffling parasitic slow-walking worm humans.

But perhaps more practically (and more cost-efficient) I have discovered a technique that works wonders in clearing these snails out: rudeness.

Don't wait.

Don't be polite.

Shove often.

Step hard.

Ugh seriously though people......

Slow walkers are the worst.

That is all.

GaGaGo Play in Traffic

List some things that really irritate you about people:

1. People who wear meat dresses
2. Individuals who wear legless pants
3. Singers that copy Madonna and try to "push the envelope"
4. Hibernating in an egg before a performance to "be mysterious"
5. Songwriters who try to shove their opinions down your throat through their music
6. Musical Psychos
7. Singers that name themselves after the noise a baby makes
8. People who can't stand that others might have an opinion about something that doesn't agree with them
9. Songs that are not appropriate for young children that are played for them anyways
10. Women who wear stupid hats/masks/clothes that are impractical and serve no purpose except to make them look like they missed the memo at a masquerade ball
11. Musically talented singers who sing terrible music and waste their natural abilities
12. Psychos

Who fits this profile....hmmmmmmmm.

Oh yeah, Lady GaGa.

Look, nobody cares about your stupid clothes, you look like a moron.

Copying Madonna is boring and has gotten old, give it up.

Songs ranging from "terrible" to "death would be better"means you may want to consider a new career.

You call your fans "little monsters"....this is eerily accurate. 

Fact: People don't like monsters. And people don't like you.

I pity you  because you have potential to be a great singer but waste so much time trying to force your  viewpoints on everyone else. 

Please go away, you act like a 5 year old.

You are very homely looking, so pretending otherwise is not doing you any favours....just saying. 

Again with the costumes......yeah you look idiotic. 

As in, legitimately stupid.

Grow up. Not every day is Halloween.

Actually....

Ga-Ga-Go play in traffic.

Please.

Preferably with lots of cement mixers, logging trucks, and Lamborghini's 

Sanity will then be restored.

That is all.