Wednesday, 23 May 2012

"Grounding": A Hipster Guide to Getting Hepatitis

So I've been gone for a while which is true. I have done some soul searching, thinking, and spent time writing in many other capacities. I have even created a long list of rants which will now follow on my blog. 
Consider it time that I have spent "looking into myself".

Which is a complete hipster thing to say.

This week will focus on such stupid narcissistic things that hipsters will do in order to a) feel better about their pathetic lives and b) draw attention to themselves because they were neglected as babies.

Today I would like to bring up a fad that many of you may have noticed recently.


You see, there is a growing epidemic of people who have a firm held belief that not wearing shoes out and about creates a more 'natural' connection between oneself and Mother Nature. The energy flows (basically the Force from Star Wars) is felt when one has nothing but their nude feet slapping against every surface possible.....gravel, concrete, grass, tile, carpet, hardwood etc....

These hipsters show off their naked feet with pride while simultaneously displaying their uncut toenails, blackened feet, and the plethora of diseases that they have contracted. 

In order to better understand how to be a hipster and participate in the newest fad of "grounding" here is a step-by-step process on how to do it.
  1. Take all your shoes (even your Toms) and throw them in the trash. You do not need them. Even if you work in the construction business. 
  2. Take all your long pants and also throw them in the trash. Why? Because in order to display your awesome bare feet to the world you must wear capris or shorts, otherwise nobody will notice. If nobody notices, you are not hipster enough.
  3. Stop showering. Nothing says "Bona-fide grounded hipster" more than someone who proudly displays how dirty they are. Dirtiness says that you are a self-made person and you ENJOY the grime and grease that is on your body because it is 'natural'. 
  4. Practice Earth Worship. After all, if you're going to participate in grounding you have to have a reason. Clearly the only one that makes sense is to blather on about 'Earth energy flows' and 'naturalistic movements from Mother Nature". Saying that it 'feels good' will not convince enough people you are cool. Again, if you can't convince people it's awesome, you have failed.
  5. Ignore civilized people. Even if someone mentions that you just stepped in a pile of dog crap, or that you are bleeding profusely from your feet, just tell them that you don't care because it'll just scab up, callous over, and then your feet will be stronger then before. They are ignorant and stupid because lets face it.....who wears shoes?
  6. Deny it. You are not a hipster. The more you practice denial, the better it sounds. Also, the more you come to believe your own lies. The best denial you can make is that you are not grounding, even if you are. If there's one thing people like more then chocolate, it's liars. 
 If you follow these simple 6 steps, you will be an effective grounder!! Congratulations!!

But in all seriousness.....I have some MAJOR problems with these kinds of idiotic people.

Yes it is true that bare feet in grass is a great feeling. It even makes sense to have bare feet in your own house. 

However, I draw the line when I see a dorky hipster at the stand up urinal in the men's washroom in nothing but bare feet. He takes a nice long pee (standing in the offspray of his own urine) and then proceeds to tread that bathroom stuff out into the hallways. Does anyone else not see how disgustingly wrong this is???

I had to fight off a strong desire to beat him to the ground with my handy pocket truncheon.

But seriously, this is just disgusting, unhealthy, and spreads disease everywhere.
These selfish hipsters think they are being so revolutionary and 'naturalistic' in their bare-foot trend. The fact is that shoes were invented to prevent the intake of diseases that can be contracted through the feet. 

Such things may include:
  1. Hepatitis A, B, and/or C, from stepping on rusted objects or tracking in urine or blood.
  2. AIDS from stepping on needles, glass etc.
  3. Internal worms (of which the most well known is Hookworms which burrow into the toenails or fleshy soles of the foot and work their way into the body)
  4. Fungal warts.....pretty self explanatory
  5. Gangrene, this occurs when the feet are overexposed to wet or dirty environments for long periods of time. 
  6. Poisonous animal bites such as snakes, spiders, and worms which prey on exposed feet. When in long grass or wooded areas this is especially a concern. The average person has 2-15 minutes to live after being bitten by venomous animals. 
These are serious health concerns. But does the modern-day "grounding" hipster care? No of course not. The hipster only cares about how they are perceived by others which is extremely selfish and stupid. 

By grounding the hipsters are indeed perceived by other people.....

......Perceived as moronic and disgusting unhygienic human beings.

I am personally going to make colourful brochures and hand them out to every hipster I see who is grounding detailing the terrible things that can happen to them if they decide to not wear shoes wherever they go. The more graphic the better.

Or maybe I'll just give them a little slip of paper that says: "Over 1 million people die a year from not wearing shoes. AFRICA."

Grounding does not make you cool. Or connected to the earth. Or better then everyone else. 

Grounding makes you a retard.

Gahhh. That is all

No comments:

Post a Comment