Sunday, 2 October 2011

The Sacrilege of Starbucks

Hello all creatures dead and alive and all you whom are unsure of the current status of your heartbeat. I suggest you check your pulse quickly before you begin to read as blood may squirt from your eyes or other orifices. I have searched my soul over the last week on what should qualify as my very first official blog post upon this page. Upon deep reflection, the very first subject came to me quite clearly! Today I am going to discuss the disgusting cult and impracticality of the snootiest coffee shop known to mankind: Starbucks.
Within the mall that is close to where I live, there is a Starbucks sneakily built into the Chapters. This allows for nerdy sycophants to combine reading Margaret Atwood novels with consuming drugs, a great combo considering drugs are needed to read Atwood. Just saying. Well last week I found a gift card that has lain neglected in my wallet for several months to Starbucks! Yippee gift cards!!  In my young adolescent ignorance I decided to soothe my throat before school and stop by to pick up a cup of hot chocolate. The scene which greeted me was nothing short of appalling. 

Upon finding a parking stall between a gaggle of poorly parked Subarus, , Hyundais, Mazdas, and other overpriced badly designed foreign vehicles, I began to make my short walk into Starbucks. Then.....the unthinkable happened!! A group of middle aged women dressed in their Sunday’s finest rushed past me making a mad sprint towards the front doors. They clawed and scraped at each other like wolverines in a gruesome fight over who would get to enter the hallowed ground first. However, they were suddenly beaten back by the appearance of a business man dressed in a suit, who wielded his briefcase like a machete in the Amazon forest. The women, battered and bruised, had to settle for standing in line behind him, and (much to my chagrin) in front of me. Well, at least I made it inside of the building in one piece.

Upon entry, I immediately became aware of the 3 kinds of people who populate Starbucks at any given time:
1. The Middle-aged Mother:
These creatures are often in casual dress clothes, and can be heard gossiping snootily about their ugly children, expensive clothes/houses, and the OMG moment they saw on last week’s episode of ‘Desperate Housewives’ or ‘Oprah’.  Despite the last decade’s feminist movement and the push to get women employed, these ladies inexplicably do not have jobs and spend their free time sucking down fattening latte’s rather than looking after their children. Shame on them.

2. The Amoeba Hipstermaniac:
I will not go into detail about the Hipster’s in this rant (another time trust me), however I will just say that you will see at LEAST one of these inside of a Starbucks. Not only does the hipster look give them away, but they have annexed 2 or more tables all to themselves, and have spread out a million papers and books over the tables to look like they are studying. Lost in their own little Ipod world of listening to obscure hipster music, they actually are not studying (devilish fiends) but are playing with their Ipad, Kindle, and Iphone while drinking their ill-gotten coffee. They are sluggish, slow, and tend to stay for long periods of time—just like an amoeba.

3. The ‘Business’ People
These are men/women who are having ‘business meetings’ or ‘coffee breaks’. Strangely these last for up to 3 hours, and I have a sneaking suspicion they wear suits just to go to Starbucks so people think they're cool.
You will notice (as I have) that there are almost NO blue collar workers who go to Starbucks. That’s because of the prices and the fact that they elicit dagger-stares from those who work in a sheltered environment. Poor plumbers :(

Well anyways,  I was super excited to use my gift card and was next in line (behind the group of Desperate Housewives). I listened closely to what the lady in front of me ordered..........A grande, extra hot, double-cupped, no foam, low fat, soy milk, sugar free, ¼ cream, 1 shot hazelnut, vanilla bean latte.


See now at Starbucks, it’s NOT about drinking coffee. If that was the case you would pay $1.50 and be in and out quickly. At Starbucks it’s REALLY about ordering the most ridiculous thing you can think of so you can hear the sound of your own voice announcing to the world how awesome you are. For this, you pay the fine price of $4.00 and get to glance around nonchalantly to make sure you are equally as cool (if not cooler) then everyone else. This lends proof that Darwin should have written "The Origin of Starbuck Species: And the preservation of the favoured coffee drinkers".
Well......the rest of the ladies then made similar orders.

I resisted the urge to take off my shoe and bludgeon them all to death on the ground.
"Desperate Housewives THAT ladies."

Anyways, I ordered a plain hot chocolate. The barista looked at me as if I had 3 heads, and the ladies (and everyone else) gave me looks of disapproval and ogled me with dinner-plate eyes. Who was this foolish individual who came into THEIR coffee shop and ordered a “simpleton’s drink”. I waved my gift card angrily in the air and they all began foaming at the mouth. How could I order such 'swill' when the opportunities to listen to my own voice were endless with a gift card? Oh wait, it's because I'm not a blowhard. Gee whillikers.
I won’t go into the details of Starbucks and globalization--not to mention their cult-like symbol--but just so we're all clear on some things:
-Starbucks owns Seattle’s Best Coffee (Subway and other places). The same coffee is 2 dollars cheaper
-McDonald’s also serves a variety of Starbucks coffee

And so my startling conclusion was this: 

And that dear The Daily Ranter.

1 comment:

  1. Jon I think you are forgetting a very key demographic here: the sleazy real estate agent closing a real estate deal. I see this in every suburban Starbucks I visit. The sleazy realtor (who is inevitably wearing a trendy scarf of some sort, and silly shoes) is blathering on their cell phone (blackberry) and talking very loudly, so everyone will know that he/she JUST SOLD A HOUSE AND CLOSED THE DEAL. Oh man, what a huge deal they just brokered! The market is so hot right now!

    I want to punch every one of them.