Thursday, 6 October 2011

Every Time You Smile an Emo Person Dies

Think about the title of this blog. Now smile. Congratulations you have just killed an Emo person!

Or at least I wish that was the case.

Emo people are last year’s model of the hipster. Just more misunderstood, and more perishable. (As in die easily).
They are shy, fragile, creatures who hold buckets and buckets full of feelings and emotions that they don’t know how to express. So they all express themselves the same way:

  • Through their sad pathetic clothing and hairstyle 
  • By listening to music which they feel empathizes with their inner feelings 
  • Being a Mute, Crying/Corner-sitting 
  • Playing in Traffic 

Let’s go through each of these manifestations in closer detail so we can discover exactly why I despise Emo people.

1. The whole world already knows they lack any sort of athleticism or physical strength, yet Emo’s insist on dressing in skin-tight jeans to show off their knocky-knees and pencil legs. Why would you want to wear nut-crusher jeans is my question?  Also they grow their hair long and dye it black (sometimes with a coloured patch in it) and then they comb it over so it covers one of their eyes—which they then use to stare at the ground.

Oh Emo people, you think you make such a statement by telling the world you are sad and depressed through your hair and dress. But in actual fact, you just make yourself a bigger target for being run over and flattened by garbage trucks who mistake you for pesky skunks. Oh well, nobody misses Emo's anyways.

2. They listen to songs like “Perfect” by pInk (real song) or “It’s Raining Glass and Knives” by The Cornersitters (I wish it was a real song). Either way, the songs frequently reference suicide, death, dying, knives, being cut by knives, dying on a bed of knives, committing suicide by falling on a bed of knives, sadness, deathly sadness, worldly sadness, there is nothing but sadness, dying on a sad bed of knives while tears fall into eternal get the point.

Oh hey Emo people, you know what, nobody else listens to that music. Why?  Because the rest of us have these fun little things called mouths and we use them to share our feelings with others. Oh and also, those artists SUCK and most of us prefer not to listen to suicidal-sad-depressing-the-world-is-ending-I-hate-my-life-bands.

3. It’s a fact: Emo people are pretty much mute. Have you ever tried talking to one? It’s like talking to a sack of hammers with a mouth. A really really really stupid sack of emotional hammers. They are too self-absorbed to respond to anything you say so they just shuffle away and stare at the ground. Or they go cry in the corner by themselves because you tried talking to them (which somehow means you don’t understand them).
The best way to make friends with an Emo person is to stand next to them and not say anything but nod your head sadly in empathy.

I prefer my method: mace them. “SEE YOU CRY NOW SUCKAHHH”

Or smile. And watch them die. Because every time you smile an Emo person dies.Fact.

4. Emo’s are at highest risk for dying in pedestrian related accidents. Reason being they can’t see past their hair and shuffle everywhere.

But nobody cares.

5.  Self-persecution is rampant amongst Emo people. And you know what? 
Nobody really cares about that either. It’s their own choice. If they want to think that everyone hates them.....fine....we can make that happen. If they want to believe they can’t do anything with their’s easier for the rest of us to be successful. 

I don’t buy any of this nonsense that it’s somehow my fault that Emo people are Emo. Being Emo is a choice. If you choose to sit in a corner and cry about your life I don’t feel sorry for you at all, nor do I feel like joining you. I feel like Emo people need to adopt one of my favourite slogans:

Deal With It Or Die With It.

And that’s The Daily Ranter.

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