Friday, 7 October 2011

Tazmanian Devil Children

Not all kids are cute.

I mean when they’re really little pounds of flesh and they aren’t able to talk or move around, (think babies), they’re pretty awesome.
Even when they grow older and morph into elementary and junior high students they’re pretty cute.

As long as they’re parented properly.

There seems to be a growing amount of parents in our society who idolize their children so much that they sincerely believe that their kids can do nothing wrong. Their children are angels. Their kid will be the next President, or astronaut, or famous Nickelodeon star. Their kid is always cute and never causes trouble. That would always be someone else’s child causing difficulties.

Drop dead parents.

Let’s be real here. I can tell you numerous stories of kids who act like perfect angels when their parents are looking and then transform into razor sharp-toothed destructive Tazmanian Devil Children. They rush around breaking things, touching stuff that isn’t theirs, throwing dog poop, pulling the tails of animals, and generally acting like mentally deranged possums. Devious little kids. Yeah....real cute.

But the absolutely, positively, irrefutably, most irritating ones are the kids that act like this while their parents watch and do nothing. Example:

I used to work in a retail store. This store was occasionally frequented by parents with small bratty children. Well one day a lady came in with 2 of the ghastly little beasts hanging off of her shopping cart. Once in the store the kids, the kids leaped off the cart and began to lose their mind while the lady shopped. They pulled shoes off the display, started shrieking and running around, ran into the back of the store, smeared their hands all over the glass mirrors, threw garbage at each other, threw shoes at each other, and shrieked some more. I looked to the mom for help, expecting her to act like any reasonable parent would and rein in her children. But of course she was not an ordinary reasonable parent. In fact, she acted as if nothing was happening and the world consisted of unicorns, happiness, and rainbow fairies. 

Then they ran behind the counter and stole my stapler. And began emptying the staples across the floor of the store.

At this point I just lost it. I asked the lady firmly, in a savagely not-nice tone, to control her children because they were being raging destructo-maniacs. (I was even fairly certain I saw the one kid sharpening his fangs into a point with a file while rolling his eyeballs around madly in his sockets and foaming at the mouth......but I could have been hallucinating).  Anyways, what was her response?

“I know, aren’t they just the cutest things ever?! Don’t worry about them they’ll be fine.”


No. Your children are not cute. In fact they are about to become victims of a “tragic accident” in which they find pens somehow embedded in their cerebellums. 

I am not worried about THEM lady, I am worried about ME

So.....I decided to mobilize myself in order to neutralize the Tazmanian Devil threat myself. Oh wait, my hand was stapled to the desk by the demon-spawn child with the crazy eyes. It was in this moment of realization  that one of the kids pulled down our entire display of Crocs (about 200+pairs of them all over the floor) while I could only watch in slow-motion anger. 

That was it. I called security. I told the lady she had 2 minutes to get her ill-behaved bratty children out of the store before security escorted them out and she was slapped with a fine for destruction of store property. Her response:

“But they’re not even doing anything; I mean they’re just playing nicely! They’re so cute how can you be upset at them?! Oh and I really like these shoes can I try some on?”

Me: “No. You need to invest in some serious discipline for your children seeing as they have only made rude replies and faces to me when I asked them to stop. If you can’t control your kids when you’re in public, you shouldn’t take them out. Sorry. You need to leave. Now.”

The mom huffed and puffed breathily and called her little Taz’s to her. (Of course they didn’t listen). Then she proceeded to yell. (They still didn’t listen). Finally she just walked out of the store. 

Well, the little bratty boy threw the stapler across the store nearly shattering a mirror and then dashed out screaming bloody murder. The girl started crying about how she was hungry and followed suit in a path of whirling madness.

Honestly, some kids deserve to be spanked. Actually some kids deserve to be spanked 100 times. Actually, some parents could use a good spanking too. Just because they’re your kids does not make them perfect angels or applicants for the Nobel Peace Prize. 


Or stay at home. 

Or don’t even have kids. 

Tazmanian Devil Children are a Class 1 dangerous animal.

I will hunt down your children and take them to Social Services.

How cute are they now???!!


That is all.

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