Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Dead Fish Disease

This is not about fish, this is not about being sick, this is not about being dead--but at the same time it is about all of these things; this is the dreaded Dead Fish handshake.
Yes, a handshake.

But this is not any ordinary handshake, oh no. You see, most humans have been brought up by their parents and peers to utilize a handshake as a greeting or means of introduction.  Those who haven’t are mutations of real people and are in desperate need of a vaccine. Please inform the WHO if you find one asap.

Anyways, the proper protocol dictates you shake hands with the other person, squeezing relatively firmly up and down (maximum 2 times lest it become awkward). You give a small smile and perhaps say “Hello” or “How are you? I’m McAwesome Man”. Your hands are clean and somewhat warm....the exchange goes smoothly and you have made a good impression on the other person. No venomous thoughts occur.

Dead Fish Disease on the other hand, is an abomination to the world of handshakes and hello’s. The individuals with this disease do NOT shake hands. Rather they extend a limp, slimy appendage to you as you reach out for a handshake. Covered with cold and clammy sweat, and a sheen that can only be described as ‘mucus-like’, they drop their hand into yours. Not knowing any better, you follow the proper handshake protocol and squeeze slightly firmly. You suddenly experience the following emotions and feelings:

  1. They do not squeeze back.
  2. Their hand is limp as a dead fish.
  3. They do not smile.
  4. They gaze through you towards a distant fog.
  5. They make a gill-like fish slurping noise.
  6. You feel like you are shaking a cold bag of squishy Jello.
  7. You draw your hand smells like toad farts.
  8. Gross.

Now I don’t know how the rest of you feel when this occurs, but I get filled with an inner rage and repulsion. I want to take out my personal fish bonker and club them dead while yelling: “FISH FOR SUPPER, FISH FOR SUPPER!!”

It’s just a handshake, seriously. If you’re too scared to shake hands and sweat profusely, then stay home and maybe drink some hand sanitizer. Or else learn the high five/fist pound. The human hand is one of the strongest structures in the body, so nobody buys your garbage that you can’t physically have a firm handshake. And also.....CLEAN YOUR DISGUSTING HANDS! Haven’t you ever heard of washing your urine and bodily germs off your hands? Or making sure that you don’t rub your mucus-sneezes all over your hands in vigorous rubbing motions? Yeesh. 

Oh, and last thing about you who suffer from Dead Fish Disease. YOU ARE ALL WARM-BLOODED VERTEBRAE WITH CEREBRAL CORTEX’S—ACT LIKE ONE.

Otherwise we will spear hunt you all to death:


That is all.


  1. The chant makes me think of Piggy from lord of the flies.....

  2. This chant makes me think of hitting people with a fish bonker.