Monday, 3 October 2011

SCD: An Undiagnosed Problem

I am extremely concerned today about the rise of SCD in modern society. Now I don’t mean syphilis, gonorrhoea, herpes or any other related illness (that’s STD’s you fools), I am talking about SCD—more commonly called Shopping Cart Depression.

Victims of this mental illness can be seen in grocery stores across the planet and trust me, you see at least one or two such idiots on each trip to buy your groceries. Just like the rest of us, these people have picked up a shopping cart to buy their groceries. However the victims of SCD are so unlike the normal civilian population whom push their carts around, that it’s not even funny.

In fact, it’s downright infuriating.

These cretins do NOT push their shopping carts around in an upright position. Oh no. Rather they lean over 90 degrees and rest their arms and elbows on top of the shopping cart—sometimes even their heads. Their entire body weight is propped up by the shopping cart and they lean on it as if they are too tired to go on.
They are at the end of their rope. Life is over. There is nothing left but them and this shopping cart. They can't feel their legs. Everything is fading quickly.

They shuffle along the floor allowing the slow motion of the rolling wheels to carry their useless carcasses forwards. In fact, if you were to pull their cart out from underneath them they would fall into a depressed heap on the ground and probably never get up (unless you scraped them off the ground or picked them up with a shovel and put them in the dumpster).  Consequently, victims of SCD aggravate the shopping experience for every other normal person in the grocery store. They block parking spaces, clog up grocery aisles, and conveniently park their behemoth carts in front of the 1 item you need to purchase....then glare at you when you mutter an "excuse me" and squeeze past their jello-like bodies.

They take forever to put anything in their cart (sometimes they actually don't buy anything but medication which kind of concerns me.....actually I just doesn't concern me at all). They gaze sorrowfully at the groceries around them as if each movement or thought drains the life energy from their useless bodies. They will not, in fact cannot, survive without their shopping cart. You would honestly think that their life is ending and they are buying groceries for the last time in their pathetic existence.

They are just soooooooo tired.

And soooooooooo sad.

And sooooooooooo depressed.

“Woe are they, woe are they!”

Yes....depression is a disease, however Shopping Cart Depression is an active choice.
You know what? If you’re so tired, so depressed, and so sad, that you can’t even walk around for 5 freaking minutes to buy your bloody groceries the solution is simple:


The world would be better off if you and your family just starved to death in your house due to lack of food. In fact, you would fully deserve such a death and I for one would not feel sorry for you one little bit.
In fact I would support burial in an unmarked grave. 

So if you suffer from SCD please (for all things merciful) keep your lazy sloth caboose parked at home. Maybe order in food, relax, get some sleep, chill with your kids, do drugs even, or heaven forbid.........GO GROCERY SHOPPING TOMORROW!!!


That is all.

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