Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Baby Stroller Battletanks

I HATE baby strollers. 

See when I was a young infant, my family in fact did have a baby stroller. However this was an ordinary baby stroller: it was small, could fold up into almost nothing, and could only hold 1 baby at a time. Well technology has advanced, and now it has brought us to create a stroller which is the bane of my existence—the Baby Stroller Battletank.

These are the strollers that you see plodding down the mall or on the street that are the size of a small car. At first you think it’s pretty cute that someone has septuplets (7 kids) and has decided to take them for a walk. But then, you gaze into the gaping interior to discover......1 baby

1 freaking baby.

These parents need to be punched in the head repeatedly. Excuse me, it’s a baby stroller NOT an ATV or a German Panzer tank. I mean the rest of the interior is wastefully stuffed with plushies, diapers, food, and a home entertainment system. You know, because the parents like to bring their entire house with their baby when they go out for 10 minutes due to their inability to take care of their children themselves. (Which is child abuse by the way).

These battle tanks are also conveniently as wide as a barn door and bar the sidewalks and buses from being used in the proper capacity. I have seen pedestrians throw themselves mercilessly onto the road into oncoming traffic in a desperate attempt to maneuver around them. Poor souls. My favourite is when you are taking the bus and have to stop for about 20 minutes while little Sally Moronface has to load her 5,000 ton Baby Tank onto the bus. I always plead in my head for the bus driver to savagely kick her in the knees and push her onto the street so she gets hit by a semi-truck—this never happens unfortunately.

It’s true though, these things are truly built for war.
They give parents absolute power and control in public places. Countless are the times in which I see adults pushing their way through a crowd and obnoxiously making room for themselves exclaiming “sorry, I have a baby stroller”. Nobody questions them because the worst thing you can do is mess with a woman who has just gone through birth and is suffering from extreme hormonal fluctuations. Plus, you’re pretty sure that they must be packing heat somewhere in that stroller to take out anyone who stands in their way.

Which brings me to the next point, and that is the baby weaponry.  It’s a well known fact that babies shriek like the Nazgul when upset—a most effective crowd-clearing tool and means of driving off enemies by striking fear and terror into their hearts. Also, their poop smells like rotting corpses and nobody wants to be the victim of a diaper gravy attack from an enraged baby. That's just bad news.

Lastly, these Battle Tanks also serve another greater purpose: stealing. Ohhhhh yes, I worked in retail for 2 years and let me tell you that mothers believe that a stroller is a shoplifting tool.  Their septuplet stroller doesn’t even have 1 baby in it, but rather is filled with shoes, clothing, electronics, and anything else they can get their grubby mitts on. When challenged about shoplifting they look at you with puppy-dog eyes and say “My baby’s sleeping in here”. Which is a bald-faced lie. (This by the way is a true story, and has happened to me more than once).

So the solution to this problem is pretty obvious. Since Baby Stroller Battletanks are weapons of warfare, those who pilot them should be treated as POW’s. We should hunt them down, lock them up, and try them at Nuremberg. Then we should hold a stroller-burning, and follow that up by executing the inventor of the stroller battletank. 

Or we can just Ninja Kick them in face, steal their babies on the street and give them to gypsies.

Both would work.

That my friends is The Daily Ranter.


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