Saturday, 15 October 2011

Driving Personalities: 'Ignorant Ian'

Of all the drivers so far, these are probably the people I hate the most.

Why you ask? Well let me tell you.

'Ignorant Ian' is a moron. 100% pure concrete between both ears. 
If life was Lord of the Flies, Ian would be the first person we killed to eat for food because he is of little value to our society.

To put it simply, Ian doesn't know any of the actual the laws of driving. This is what he does:

  • Drives 30 km/h in school zones. Always. Even on weekends and evenings when there is no school.
  • Drives 30 km/h in playground zones. Always. Even when it's pitch black outside. Somehow he is expecting a child to manifest in the dark and hurl their tiny bodies madly onto the road into oncoming traffic.
  • Ignorant Ian honestly believes that a yield sign means stop and hammers on the brakes needlessly
  • Merging into highway traffic which is running at 100 km/h while going 50 km is perfectly acceptable. In fact, Ian thinks that the highway should merge into you instead. Then he has the audacity to give you the finger when you nearly crumple his bumper because of his idiocy.
  • Red means go and green means stop. Always. There is no such thing as yellow lights.
  • Ian is a firm believer in leaving 97 car-lengths between himself and the car in front of him. You know, just in case they decide to slam it into reverse and plow backwards 100 miles an hour at a red light for no reason. Happens all the time.
  • Oh one of my favorites is that Ian believes you MUST drive 30 km whenever you see a police vehicle. It doesn't matter if it's on the other side of the road, it doesn't matter if it doesn't have it's lights on, it doesn't matter if it's observed in a parking lot way out of the way. 30 km. Automatically. You useless bag of dog poop, this is not the way our police laws work. Ugh.
  • Cars are like rowboats and so therefore we should all yield to slower moving traffic and move into the left-hand lane. Especially during rush hour. Because it's way more practical to clog up 18,000 commuters on their way to work rather then inconveniencing 1 slow egghead who is just another 'Ignorant Ian'.
  • Parking over 3 parking stalls when driving a piece of garbage vehicle is perfectly acceptable. In fact, everyone should do it.
  • The lines on the road are more like 'guidelines' and so drifting back and forth is the proper thing to do. In fact, other people should be completely fine with this.
  • Ian believes that having your halogen brights on all day everyday is the best way to make sure other drivers can see your vehicle. Because blinding lights don't cause accidents. Ever. 
Ignorant Ian is an idiot. These people are the reason why I  believe mandatory reviews should be taken on driving laws in order to keep your license. It's not acceptable. If you don't know the laws, don't drive. Stay home and drink some eggnog. Or take the bus. Or else become a pedestrian. Or become dead.


If you foolishly decide to pursue driving in complete ignorance, be prepared to have me (and others) ream you out, make rude gestures, tailgate you, honk endlessly, key your car, throw rotten fruit at you, and purposefully take a sledgehammer to your car after you park it.
And no, we will not feel sorry for you or apologize. You deserve it you ignoramus.

Ignorance is not an excuse.

Be informed or be roadkill.

Good grief.

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