Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Driving Personalities: 'Manic Melanie'

I hate 'Manic Melanie'

These are those kind of people that you never fully understand when you are driving. 'Manic Melanie' either suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder (which is tragic) or is just a Grade A moron (more likely).

She (or he, but for easiness I will use 'her'. Maybe I should use it...? Anyways...) will do the following things which aggravate the heck out of me:
  1. Change lanes spontaneously for no reason. Right into you. And without signalling. Hey Melanie....your exit isn't for another 1,279 km honey. Completely unnecessary. Stupid head.
  2. She will speed up, slow down, then slam on the brakes as if following a vehicle. However, this only occurs when there is no vehicle in front of her. There is not a leprechaun on her shoulder telling her "Ok now speed up by 8...slow down by 12.....ok QUICK SPEED UP AGAIN....." Or maybe there is??
  3. They will roll their eyes back in their head savagely as you pass them and foam at the mouth with anger. They will then flip the bird at you because they are peeved. Nobody knows why they are peeved.....but they just are. (Which by the way is one of the symptoms that somebody is either taking a lot of steroidal hormones or suffering from Rabies.)
  4. Manic Melanie will inexplicably drive slow when it is sunny and dry, and speed when it is icy and snowing, and treat yield signs and merge signs as stop signs. Again, the only potential reason being that she is completely psychotic. Or maybe a chronic drunk. Hmmm.
  5. They believe traffic circles exist solely for the purpose of driving around aimlessly in circles. In the outside lane. Illegally.
  6. They lack the concept of 'responsible driving'. Manic Melanie is always the first person involved in the scene of an accident. Coincidentally they are also the first person to keep on driving away from said accident. The first person to get arrested. The first person to swear at the involved people. The first person to lose their temper. The first person to scream needlessly. The first person to lie to the police officer. And of course.....the first person to blame their invisible friend in the passenger seat for causing the accident because they had to change their adult diaper.Never, unfortunately, are they the first person to die at the scene of the accident.

Melanie....go see a psychiatrist baby.
It's all in your's all in your head.....

But let's get real here.

When I see these people out on the roads I truly wish I was driving a Tank. 
A really large German Tiger Tank. 
With a machine gun nest and strips of tacks to throw on the road. 

Then I could just roll up behind Manic Melanie and squish her into a flattened disk on the road. Actually if you think about it, this would save money on tar-filler and repavement. 

Or else next time I see you, I will personally track you down and bring "Smiley" my friendly crowbar and go Pompeii on your car as you sleep inside. Good luck driving your scrap metal Acura to work tomorrow sweetie.

Just saying.

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