Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Driving Personalities: 'Fat Freddy'

I dislike Fat Freedy. Straight up.

However, on top of being terrible drivers, 'Fat Freddy's' are just revolting in almost every aspect.

These are the people who frequently brake and drive slowly no matter what lane they're in. You can point out a 'Fat Freddy' when you drive by therm and you see they have their hand stuffed deep into a fast food bag and they are ramming onion rings into their gullet while driving. 

The grease just runs down their faces onto their clothes as they chew gluttonously with satisfied smiles on their faces. 

Nomnomnom there is nothing but them and their next heart attack!
Grease stains are the new hipster clothes!
Fast food makes you popular! 

They never have more than 1 hand on the steering wheel at any point in time because of the need to constantly rummage around for more food or occasionally wipe away their slobber onto the seat next to them. Consequently, they struggle with keeping an eye on the road and driving in a straight line. This is hazardous for regular folk.


Let's be realistic here though, 'Fat Freddy' is not always a fat or obese person. In fact, quite often it is just a disgusting skinny slob (man or woman) who should be obese but for some unexplainable reason is not. Why slobs get good genes is beyond me. And plus, how come they can't also have a gene for good driving skills? I firmly believe non-disgusting people are better drivers.

Look, there's a place and a time for shoving gooey pastries and fistfuls of french fries into your gaping mouth, that would would be called "dinner-time". Or perhaps "last meal on death row" time. Do not be revolting and lather yourself with fast food and grease in your vehicle while chewing with your mouth open to the world. We can see digestion occurring in your mouth

Fact: Cars do not make you invisible.

Fat Freddy's are extremely unpredictable drivers and drive hazardously slow. They also have a bad habit of not signalling when changing lanes because it takes too much effort to lift their fat fingers out of the McDonald's bag over to the signal button. It is obviously wayyyyyy more important to scavenge for the last fry at the bottom of the fast food bag.

Again, gross.

So when you see these people I have discovered a technique that works really well to bring them into reality quickly.

Here's what you do:

Get into the lane next to them and slow down to their speed. Then look over at them and make fat disgusting rude faces and lean on your horn for about 30 seconds. If you really want to go all out, roll your window down and yell at them in Latin or German (or another angry sounding language).

Or just make a witty sign with a slogan that says something like: "2 Hands saves lives: Eat those fries and Jimmy dies."

Let's rid the roads 1 Fat Freddy at a time.


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