Monday, 10 October 2011

Driving Personalities: 'Soccer Mom Susan'


If you get road rage easily when driving high five yourself right now.
Actually take one hand, and give your other hand a hand-hug.
In fact you should probably just let out a giant lion-like roar and yell “ I HATE BAD DRIVERS.”

Trust me, it relieves stress. I just did it.

Anyways, this week the focus is on what I like to call “Driving Personalities”. Similar to the different types of people you see in Starbucks on a given day, driving personalities are different types of people you see out on the road driving. Today we deal with a favourite of many suburbanites:

Soccer Mom Susan.

Soccer Mom Susan is given away first and foremost by her minivan. Now when I say minivan, we’re not talking a cute little vehicle that has a lot of seats, flip down TV’s, and sliding doors.

When I say minivan we’re talking about a rampant, whirling dervish, gasoline ball, of potential death and destruction. Usually a Dodge Caravan.

Soccer Mom Susan is always swerving wildly back and forth on the road (as if drunk) and is constantly changing lanes without signalling. Through the back window you see upwards of 7 faces smeared against the window in a sweaty mess. Then suddenly you see hands on the window....then feet.....then a sneaker comes rocketing out of the window (which you promptly have to dodge to avoid windshield damage).....then you see clothes flying around......and if you’re SUPER lucky and have your windows down, you hear an inhumane screaming noise coming from the interior. 

Ahhhh.....it becomes clear what we have here. A herd of mad-eyed hyenas in a minivan. Cute.

You drive by and you see the following in the hazy mist of the Dodge Caravan:

  • Soccer Mom Susan is using one hand to frantically talk on her cell phone to Andy’s parents because the little hyena crapped his shorts in her van's backseat. (Curse you Andy).
  • The other hand is stuffed backwards in the van holding a crate of oranges for the kids to savagely devour
  • Susan is constantly looking sideways and backwards as she tries to keep her eyes on the kids who are ricocheting off the sides of the van because they are not wearing seat belts.
  • There is usually a small ugly dog on her lap. Otherwise it’s a small ugly child.
  • Being an avid soccer-mom, she is sportily-dressed wearing LuLu Lemon pants, some brightly coloured shirt and a headband. All slightly discoloured because she wears the same stuff every time there is a soccer game. Which is somehow every day. 
She is just out of control. 

Now I can’t say that it is entirely Susan’s fault that she is a bad driver, however it is ENTIRELY Susan’s fault that she is bad at handling children.

And bad at watching where she is going.
And bad at caring for child safety.
And bad at stopping.
And bad at respecting the speed laws.
And bad at pretty much everything to do with driving actually.

In fact I take back my earlier statement:

It is entirely Susan’s fault.

Look, the solution to this is pretty simple:

DON’T DRIVE 10 KIDS IN ONE VEHICLE
DON’T LET YOUR KIDS PLAY SOCCER
DON'T BREED HYENAS
DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE
Honestly. Just hire a bus for the year. Or a taxi. Or even make the kids ride their bikes for once in their lives.

Guns don’t kill people.....Soccer Mom Susan kills people.

Seriously.

That is all.

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