Thursday, 13 October 2011

Driving Personalities: 'Blabbermouth Barbara'

Did any of you watch Glee this week? Or Grey's Anatomy? Or House?? Or maybe you were just raving to each other about that ROFL moment on Big Brother or Bachelor Pad!! Or did you hear the news that the Black Eyed Peas might be breaking up?? Or that Beyonce is pregnant with siamese babies? OR EVEN BETTER....did you hear about the ROYAL COUPLE'S new tour concerning people eating tasty animals?? No??? Well you should have!! In fact you should probably just have a good old sit down and talk about absolutely everything you can possibly think of. Like your kids.....and your spouse's latest battle with elephantitis.....and what you have spent the last 25 years, 2 months, 5 days, 7 hours, 26 minutes, 43 seconds, and 92 milliseconds doing. 

In fact you should basically 'tweet' your life out verbally.

Oh and make sure you narrate it with lots of hand gestures and "quotation" marks so people don't somehow misunderstand what you're saying. It's a well known fact that a plethora of hand gestures makes your English better!!! And make sure you speak at a voluble level. In fact you should speak so loud that every man, woman and child in China can hear your conversation. And that's gotta be good enough that it looks like you're drowning in an ocean waving for rescue.

Obviously this should only take place in your vehicle.

While you are driving.

With 5 friends. 

On the highway.

In rush hour.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet 'Blabbermouth Barbara'. 

Pretty self-explanatory.... but this is the person who just never shuts up while driving.

They take their hands off the steering wheel and attempt driving with their knees while they tell a grand story with their hands about how they survived Y2K or saw Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the superbowl. You know, super exciting high quality stuff.

All of the blabbermouth's friends then giggle like little schoolgirls who have just eaten a delicious pack of licorice on a sunny day. "Teeheehee Barbara you're so darn funny!!" or...."Tell another stupid story Barbara you're just killing it today!!"

I do not laugh.

I reach for my crossbow.

If you want to talk about your life story, pull over and have a pow-wow in the shoulder (actually please do because then I can run you over like a gopher and not even feel a little bit sad). 
Or perhaps.....hmmmm I dunno.....go be one of those 'Desperate Housewives' in Starbucks (see previous rant on Starbucks for clarification). 
At least you are not on the road endangering the lives of the average citizen. With your fat mouth. Zip it Barb.

Also.....cell phones....while I get why some people talk on them....'Blabbermouth Barbara' utilizes them for useless conversation. I know this for a fact because I am an expert at lip-reading. 
My favourite is when I stopped at a red light and I decide to figure out what the person in the car next to me is talking about. You know, just for kicks and giggles. I figure it must be pretty important because of how animated she looks.

Lima beans.
She was talking about lima beans and how they are different in colour then other beans.

Oh my lanta

I really really really really really really really wish I could cast spells like Harry Potter. 
Cruciatus Curse sounds great to me.
Actually no......Avada Kedavra is more appropriate.
Anything to shut these blabbermouths up.

Seriously,get off the  road.
Or else prepare yourself for that crossbow bolt in your brain.

Grahhhh so frustrating!!

And that's The Daily Ranter

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