Monday, 17 October 2011

Don't Play With Your Food

For all you gross people who chew with your mouths open so we can watch you visibly digest, eat with no hands by putting your face into your plate, or who throw up your food just so you can re-eat it.....this little ode is just for you. Actually, this is just basic food etiquette 101. It infuriates me when people don't know basic table manners.

Or people's children either for that matter.

 I call it 'Don't Play With Your Food'


Please don't play with your food.
Don't play with that food!!
It's messy and tacky and silly and rude.

Don't play with your food,
Don't mess with your meal,
Just think how your poor mashed potatoes must feel....
Don't stick olives onto your fingers,
Pretending they're opera singers.
Please, don't play with your food!!

Don't play with your food,
Don't stuff your fat face.
Gravy! And carrots! All over the place!
Use your utensils and don't lick your plate,
Eat it up slow or else regurgitate.

Don't play with your food,
Don't smack those big lips,
Don't sound like a train wreck
When munching on chips.

Don't you dare slurp on that soup,
Or poop in your chair,
And get your bratty kid's fingers
Out of my hair.

Don't play with your food,
Don't shove it around;
Don't eat like a hippo,
And gain 50 pounds.

Don't laugh while you chew,
Or chew while you laugh;
Don't munch on your lettuce
Like a retarded giraffe.

Keep those elbows off,
And learn how to sit,
Cause leaning and reaching
Isn't cool! Not a bit!

Don't play with your food!
Don't yell at the table,
Or grunt like a hog,
Or shove your face in
And pretend you're a dog.

Don't build a big castle,
With pieces of steak;
Or stab at the poor butter
Please give it a break!!

Don't scream like a banshee
Or moan like a seal;
Don't waste supper,
Telling us all how you feel.

Please don't play with your food! 
Don't play with your food, 
Don't catapult peas,
Don't act out a drama
With slices of cheese.

Don't play with your food,
Don't gurgle that pop, 
Don't hiccup or fart,
Once you start you don't stop!

Don't eat with your fingers,
Don't eat with your toes;
Don't eat off the floor
Where E-Coli grows.

Anything else? Why just let me think,
Don't neglect your poor plates
And rinse in the sink.
Into the garbage can extras should go,
Not in the dishwasher,
Not up your nose.

I said it once, I shall say it again:

Don't play with your food! 
It's messy and tacky and silly and rude.

People who lack table manners or the ability to eat properly should be treated like babies. 
We should feed them baby food.
And give them pacifiers.
Seriously......learn some manners.


That is all.

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