"Organic Food": A Hipster Guide to Eating

Let's be honest here, we all love grocery shopping. 

I mean, almost nothing is better then walking into a grocery store with money to spend on food and having the absolute power to choose whatever you want to buy. Cookies? Done. Cheesecake? Done. Bacon-wrapped scallops? Done. Sardines? Done. 

Now of course the wise health nutritionists and people involved in healthy living studies recommend that one should never shop on an empty stomach. Shopping while hungry causes people to binge eat on unhealthy foods they would never normally buy; therefore one should always buy their groceries when full. (Fun fact).

Not doing so causes you to be irrational in your food selection.

Hipsters however are always irrational in their food selection, so this concept doesn't even matter.

Hipsters walk into a grocery store and avoid absolutely everything it has to offer. They trundle in their moccasins or bare feet and slouched toques towards the only aisle that carries any meaning in their eating-related life: "Organic Foods".

If you recall my last blog, you may recall me mentioning their strange fascination with 'naturalistic things' and the stupidity of their beliefs.

Well my friends, organic food is another very real reflection of the sad stupidity of hipsters.

(I'll give you a moment here to shed a tear for their lack of I.Q.)

Hipsters are under the impression that they are better then the rest of us because they only eat "natural non-pesticide" induced foods that are "hand-grown and harvested" blah blah blah blah blah etc. etc. 

That's right. They think they are better than you. 

Fact: They are wrong.

You see, hipsters are so obsessed with the idea of being trendy environmentalist peace puppies that they fail to see that they are victims of an economic capitalistic market which is making millions of dollars off of people like them.

Case in point: Organic Apples.

Now take a regular apple. A regular apple is grown in an apple tree orchard. 

On a tree. 

Often in a field.  

With a lot of other apple trees.

Wherever you have a large mass of vegetation present, you are also going to have bugs, insects and other pests that are present. Thus, logically, those who plant and harvest apples use pesticides and fertilizers to protect as much of their crop as possible. If they lose too much of their crop they are not able to take as many apples to market. Then they lose money. Then poor little Christina Simpson starves to death.

Whatever you may personally believe about pesticides on fruits and vegetables, the fact is that any residual pesticides are in trace amounts. I compare this to the myth about gasoline destroying brain cells:

You would have to sniff a pan full of gasoline every day, all day, for 7 years before any brain damage occurred AND anything that happened would be minimal. 

Plus, all of our food must pass food inspection by which pesticide levels must be acceptable.

Now let's look at the hipster-fetish grown "organic apples". An organic apple is also a regular apple grown in an apple tree orchard.

On a tree. 

In a field.

With a lot of other apple trees.

Here is where hipsters are morons: ORGANIC FOODS ARE STILL SPRAYED WITH PESTICIDES! However, all the pesticides and fertilizers are of animal or vegetable origin (usually animal).

Often times these organic pesticides are just as bad for humans as any of the other chemical pesticides.

And not only that, but these "organic" apple orchard farmers are smart and grow BOTH "regular" and "organic" apples in the same field! And they sell their "organic apples" for double the price because they have discovered (lo and behold) that some moronic people in society will actually BUY the darn things!!

That would be the moronic genre known as hipsters thank you very much.

They flock to the grocery store in droves, sweating through their deep v-neck t-shirts and fake glasses to crowd around all of the organic products. You can hear them squealing in satisfaction as they furiously stuff organic foods into their cart, giving superior looks to the inferior specimens of humanity who are buying "regular food".

You see, as I said before hipsters are entirely selfish human beings. 

They are perfectly willing to make their pathetic lives better by paying up to double the amount of money for the exact same product.

Why? Not because they actually care about the environment or the organic food. Child please, that is a complete joke. All they care about is patting themselves on the backs and celebrating by using the "high-five app" on their Ipad2's.

So if you want to be a hipster, ditch anything and everything that is not organic.

EMPTY YOUR BANK ACCOUNTS!

NEVER TOUCH A SHINY FRUIT OR VEGETABLE AGAIN!!

USE DIRT FROM THE MOUNTAINS OF NICARAGUA AS PEPPER FOR ALL YOUR FOODS! 

DECLARE YOUR SUPERIORITY!

I AM HIPSTER! HEAR ME ROAR!!

These people need a serious experience with a gypsy caravan in the middle of the Sahara Desert. 

No organic food? Fine, that's one less person everyone else in the caravan has to worry about. 

I feel like hipsters would be the first person to die in the popular computer game 'Oregon Trail'

I can see it now: "Michael "Hipster" Satterthwaite has died from dysentery."

You choose not to stop your wagon and bury him but rather throw him off the back and wagon ho!! 

I mean really, if he only wants organic food he doesn't deserve to even be on the trip in the first place.

Sorry bro.

So if you see your friendly neighborhood hipster in the organic food aisle, stop by and give them a hearty hello.

Then take their organic bag of croutons and shove them down their throat. You could even yell "FOR SPARTA" as I think that would be a nice touch.

*Sigh* their irrationality and stupidity is saddening.

I pity them.

I hate them.

I rant about them.

That is all.