"Hipster Spotting 100": A Dictionary Guide to Spotting Hipsters

Ahem. 

Please utilize this useful beginner's dictionary to know the difference between a hipster and a non-hipster:

A Hipster Will/Is/Can:

Sway: To move or swing to and fro, as something fixed at one end or resting on a support

Hipsters believe life should break around them like water on a rock. Thus hipsters will often change opinions, clothes, glasses, shoes, spouses, and cutlery. However they suck at swaying others in any capacity.

Shuffle: To move clumsily. 

Hipsters often run into immovable objects due to over utilization of their Ipad's and sheer stupidity. Clumsy, just like a cow with 2 legs.

Loaf:  To lounge or saunter lazily and idly. OR the rounded head of a cabbage, lettuce, etc.

While it's common knowledge that they are lazy, bovine, and waste time, it is much more interesting to note that they all do have cabbage-like heads. This is an extremely helpful identifier.

Meander: To wander aimlessly; ramble.

This term refers to the movement of the hipsters' mouth and their ridiculous ideas. Talk to one and you quickly learn the technique of smiling and nodding while not listening at all. Nobody cares, and they forget what they just said anyways.

Philistine: A person who is lacking in or hostile or smugly indifferent to cultural values, intellectual pursuits, aesthetic refinement, etc., or is contentedly commonplace in ideas and tastes.

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The definition says it all. Hipsters are Philistines in every respect. Unfortunately they are unaware of society's rejection of them. This is sad. Stoning of Philistines was common in ancient times.

Narcissistic: Having an undue fascination with oneself; vain.

While everyone is vain to an extent, hipsters are exclusively vain. They don't care who you are, what you wear, or what you say because, after all, that takes away from them as being the best individuals ever.

Perplexed: Complicated; involved; entangled.

Nothing is simple for a hipster. Not even saying hello to somebody, or ordering black coffee. There is always 'more than meets the eye' with them. Which is eerily similar to Emo people, but completely different at the same time. After all, you can't compare apples with apples.

Poignant: Keenly distressing to the feelings.

When you see a true-blooded hipster, they distress you. Why? Because they are so silly and insensible. This distresses the average human.

Amble: To go at a slow, easy pace; stroll; saunter. Or in the case of a horse to go at a slow pace with the legs moving in lateral pairs and usually having a four-beat rhythm. 

Again, the second part of the definition is most accurate. While hipsters will move at an easy pace, they often try and move their legs at the same time while wearing TOMS. This makes them shuffle lots, and look confused as they attempt to put one foot in front of the other. Tripping is frequent. Plus they have horse-faces sometimes.

Shambles: 

a. A slaughterhouse.

b. Any place of carnage.

c. Any scene of destruction.

d. Any scene, place, or thing in disorder: 

If you see a person who is in shambles, chances are they are, or used to be a hipster. Their clothing especially makes them look as if they just walked out of a pig slaughterhouse. Sad but true. Oink if you see a hipster in shambles.

Trill: (Of birds, insects, etc.) to sing or utter in a succession of rapidly alternating sounds.

Often this refers to female hipsters. However, male hipsters fall into this category frequently as they are confused about the pitch of their voice. Trilling can be heard while they are ordering Starbucks, listening to their awesome obscure music, or when they say anything in a conversation. Basically, it's all the time, and you feel like you are listening to crickets chirping. I would recommend equipping a bug-zapper.

Now, the normal person Will/Is/Can:

Agreeable: To one's liking; pleasing.

The average person is easy to get along with and can be conversed with normally. Hello, a handshake, and goodbye are common amongst agreeable people.

Walk: To advance or travel on foot at a moderate speed or pace; proceed by steps; move by advancing the feet alternately so that there is always one foot on the ground in bipedal locomotion and two or more feet on the ground in quadrupedal locomotion.

Normal human beings have absolutely no issue with walking. And so they do so. Some even run, which is even more foreign to hipsters.

Intelligent: Having the faculty of reasoning and understanding; possessing knowledge.

Normal people understand reason and have some kind of knowledge. Hipsters do not understand reason, or logic, or possess knowledge of reputable things. This is one of the biggest benchmarks of a normal person.

Well-dressed: Attired in clothing that is of good quality, is properly fitted, and is appropriate and becoming.

Normal people dress appropriately and don't attempt to squeeze their bodies into skinny jeans or wear v-necks that show caved in chests and hollow bones. Normal people also understand when and when not to wear jackets, carry umbrellas, wear glasses, etc. etc.

Move: To advance or progress.

Stuff happens. People get over it. Life goes on. This is a foreign concept for hipsters. For them it's all about KONE 2012 and social justice from a billion years ago when the dinosaurs roamed or Ahab hunted his whale. Also, hipsters stand around a lot and that's why they are the highest at-risk population for being killed by moving vans and heavy machinery.

Generous: Free from meanness or smallness of mind or character.

No, not every normal person is entirely generous, but they are way less selfish and self-absorbed then the hipster. They buy products even if they're not fair-trade or handmade because they believe that $1 an hour is at least better than $0 an hour for someone. And face it, Wal-Mart sells everything, and also has a charity fund so it's win win.

Normal: Usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

The hipster is an aberration of nature. Pretty much anything else is normal. Unless you are Marilyn Manson. 

But that's for another time.

Hopefully you learned some more colourful language today!

Stick around for tomorrow's 101 class on Dictionary Terms.

Guaranteed to enhance your hipster-insult library.

"Individuality": A Hipster Guide to Conformity

Please follow these steps before you continue reading today's blog:

1) Raise your hand if you think that everyone should be their own self-made person, or an 'individual' if you may.

2 ) Now raise your other hand if you believe the best way to be an individual is by going against what everyone else is doing.

3) If you have any hands that have not been raised yet, raise your hand if you realize that this in fact makes you a conformist.

4) If you find that you did not have any hands left to raise on step 3, ball one of your hands into a fist and punch yourself in the head.

You are seriously misguided.

You see, for all of their "intelligence" "wittiness" and "understanding", hipsters fail to grasp a glaring truth about themselves.

They are conformists.

*GASP*

What I have just said strikes a mortal blow into the heart of each and every hipster that walks the face of this planet! Even as I continue to blog there is weeping and gnashing of teeth as the hipsters fall to their knees, ripping their sackcloth v-necks off their bodies and cursing the heavens. Lens-less glasses are perused for "Made in China" symbols and they search their skinny jeans for their "handmade" tags with anguish and anxiety; hoping to find solace in material things that can contradict the evil words I have just written.

 Why? Because the hipster honestly believes that they are unique, different, and completely unlike everyone else. 

They purposefully visit American Apparel, and Urban Underground, spending hundreds of dollars on "thrift-store" looking items that they are reassured are 'one-of-a-kind'. 

They sport their glasses with no lenses, scarves, Toms, and deep v-necks with the honest sincere belief that they are completely different then everyone else. 

I swear every hipster must have diagnosable tunnel vision.

Or perhaps they are just mentally defunct.

Either way, the modern hipster cannot come to grasp with the sad reality that they are not trend setters.

They are not original.

They are not unique.

They are not individuals.

They have become so obsessed with the idea of buying things that will "set themselves apart" that they fail to notice that every other hipster is BUYING THE EXACT SAME THING!!

Wonder why the major retailers have made so much money on stupid hipster clothing?

Huh, go figure....I mean it's not rocket science.

Thus I have come to the understanding that hipsters are laughably stupid.

I feel like the hipster has lost any semblance of higher brain function and only exists as an amoeba-like (read single-celled organism)  parasite feeding on the sentient beings of our universe.

The hipster could not survive without the intelligence of others because they would not understand economics, or capitalism, or religion, or social development, or chaos theory, or even their own words.

But of course this makes perfect sense, because after all the hipster is essentially a basic form of human life. 

Alas, one cannot fault them for being overtly naive, selfish, and unintelligent beings because they do not know any better. Perhaps we should all just feel sorry for them.

I disagree.

We should not feel sorry for them but rather we should eliminate their foolish ways from our society through one of the best tools known to mankind: scorn.

I propose we begin with a "toque ban" which decries that anyone who wears a toque when it is not winter or for a non-functional purpose is allowed to be publicly humiliated, ridiculed, and have stale kelp crackers and fair-trade cookies thrown at them.

Harshly.

I will Care Bear Hug anyone who accomplishes this feat. 

Just saying.

"Organic Food": A Hipster Guide to Eating

Let's be honest here, we all love grocery shopping. 

I mean, almost nothing is better then walking into a grocery store with money to spend on food and having the absolute power to choose whatever you want to buy. Cookies? Done. Cheesecake? Done. Bacon-wrapped scallops? Done. Sardines? Done. 

Now of course the wise health nutritionists and people involved in healthy living studies recommend that one should never shop on an empty stomach. Shopping while hungry causes people to binge eat on unhealthy foods they would never normally buy; therefore one should always buy their groceries when full. (Fun fact).

Not doing so causes you to be irrational in your food selection.

Hipsters however are always irrational in their food selection, so this concept doesn't even matter.

Hipsters walk into a grocery store and avoid absolutely everything it has to offer. They trundle in their moccasins or bare feet and slouched toques towards the only aisle that carries any meaning in their eating-related life: "Organic Foods".

If you recall my last blog, you may recall me mentioning their strange fascination with 'naturalistic things' and the stupidity of their beliefs.

Well my friends, organic food is another very real reflection of the sad stupidity of hipsters.

(I'll give you a moment here to shed a tear for their lack of I.Q.)

Hipsters are under the impression that they are better then the rest of us because they only eat "natural non-pesticide" induced foods that are "hand-grown and harvested" blah blah blah blah blah etc. etc. 

That's right. They think they are better than you. 

Fact: They are wrong.

You see, hipsters are so obsessed with the idea of being trendy environmentalist peace puppies that they fail to see that they are victims of an economic capitalistic market which is making millions of dollars off of people like them.

Case in point: Organic Apples.

Now take a regular apple. A regular apple is grown in an apple tree orchard. 

On a tree. 

Often in a field.  

With a lot of other apple trees.

Wherever you have a large mass of vegetation present, you are also going to have bugs, insects and other pests that are present. Thus, logically, those who plant and harvest apples use pesticides and fertilizers to protect as much of their crop as possible. If they lose too much of their crop they are not able to take as many apples to market. Then they lose money. Then poor little Christina Simpson starves to death.

Whatever you may personally believe about pesticides on fruits and vegetables, the fact is that any residual pesticides are in trace amounts. I compare this to the myth about gasoline destroying brain cells:

You would have to sniff a pan full of gasoline every day, all day, for 7 years before any brain damage occurred AND anything that happened would be minimal. 

Plus, all of our food must pass food inspection by which pesticide levels must be acceptable.

Now let's look at the hipster-fetish grown "organic apples". An organic apple is also a regular apple grown in an apple tree orchard.

On a tree. 

In a field.

With a lot of other apple trees.

Here is where hipsters are morons: ORGANIC FOODS ARE STILL SPRAYED WITH PESTICIDES! However, all the pesticides and fertilizers are of animal or vegetable origin (usually animal).

Often times these organic pesticides are just as bad for humans as any of the other chemical pesticides.

And not only that, but these "organic" apple orchard farmers are smart and grow BOTH "regular" and "organic" apples in the same field! And they sell their "organic apples" for double the price because they have discovered (lo and behold) that some moronic people in society will actually BUY the darn things!!

That would be the moronic genre known as hipsters thank you very much.

They flock to the grocery store in droves, sweating through their deep v-neck t-shirts and fake glasses to crowd around all of the organic products. You can hear them squealing in satisfaction as they furiously stuff organic foods into their cart, giving superior looks to the inferior specimens of humanity who are buying "regular food".

You see, as I said before hipsters are entirely selfish human beings. 

They are perfectly willing to make their pathetic lives better by paying up to double the amount of money for the exact same product.

Why? Not because they actually care about the environment or the organic food. Child please, that is a complete joke. All they care about is patting themselves on the backs and celebrating by using the "high-five app" on their Ipad2's.

So if you want to be a hipster, ditch anything and everything that is not organic.

EMPTY YOUR BANK ACCOUNTS!

NEVER TOUCH A SHINY FRUIT OR VEGETABLE AGAIN!!

USE DIRT FROM THE MOUNTAINS OF NICARAGUA AS PEPPER FOR ALL YOUR FOODS! 

DECLARE YOUR SUPERIORITY!

I AM HIPSTER! HEAR ME ROAR!!

These people need a serious experience with a gypsy caravan in the middle of the Sahara Desert. 

No organic food? Fine, that's one less person everyone else in the caravan has to worry about. 

I feel like hipsters would be the first person to die in the popular computer game 'Oregon Trail'

I can see it now: "Michael "Hipster" Satterthwaite has died from dysentery."

You choose not to stop your wagon and bury him but rather throw him off the back and wagon ho!! 

I mean really, if he only wants organic food he doesn't deserve to even be on the trip in the first place.

Sorry bro.

So if you see your friendly neighborhood hipster in the organic food aisle, stop by and give them a hearty hello.

Then take their organic bag of croutons and shove them down their throat. You could even yell "FOR SPARTA" as I think that would be a nice touch.

*Sigh* their irrationality and stupidity is saddening.

I pity them.

I hate them.

I rant about them.

That is all.

"Grounding": A Hipster Guide to Getting Hepatitis

So I've been gone for a while which is true. I have done some soul searching, thinking, and spent time writing in many other capacities. I have even created a long list of rants which will now follow on my blog. 

Consider it time that I have spent "looking into myself".

Which is a complete hipster thing to say.

This week will focus on such stupid narcissistic things that hipsters will do in order to a) feel better about their pathetic lives and b) draw attention to themselves because they were neglected as babies.

Today I would like to bring up a fad that many of you may have noticed recently.

"Grounding"

You see, there is a growing epidemic of people who have a firm held belief that not wearing shoes out and about creates a more 'natural' connection between oneself and Mother Nature. The energy flows (basically the Force from Star Wars) is felt when one has nothing but their nude feet slapping against every surface possible.....gravel, concrete, grass, tile, carpet, hardwood etc....

These hipsters show off their naked feet with pride while simultaneously displaying their uncut toenails, blackened feet, and the plethora of diseases that they have contracted. 

In order to better understand how to be a hipster and participate in the newest fad of "grounding" here is a step-by-step process on how to do it.

1. Take all your shoes (even your Toms) and throw them in the trash. You do not need them. Even if you work in the construction business. 
2. Take all your long pants and also throw them in the trash. Why? Because in order to display your awesome bare feet to the world you must wear capris or shorts, otherwise nobody will notice. If nobody notices, you are not hipster enough.
3. Stop showering. Nothing says "Bona-fide grounded hipster" more than someone who proudly displays how dirty they are. Dirtiness says that you are a self-made person and you ENJOY the grime and grease that is on your body because it is 'natural'. 
4. Practice Earth Worship. After all, if you're going to participate in grounding you have to have a reason. Clearly the only one that makes sense is to blather on about 'Earth energy flows' and 'naturalistic movements from Mother Nature". Saying that it 'feels good' will not convince enough people you are cool. Again, if you can't convince people it's awesome, you have failed.
5. Ignore civilized people. Even if someone mentions that you just stepped in a pile of dog crap, or that you are bleeding profusely from your feet, just tell them that you don't care because it'll just scab up, callous over, and then your feet will be stronger then before. They are ignorant and stupid because lets face it.....who wears shoes?
6. Deny it. You are not a hipster. The more you practice denial, the better it sounds. Also, the more you come to believe your own lies. The best denial you can make is that you are not grounding, even if you are. If there's one thing people like more then chocolate, it's liars. 

 If you follow these simple 6 steps, you will be an effective grounder!! Congratulations!!

But in all seriousness.....I have some MAJOR problems with these kinds of idiotic people.

Yes it is true that bare feet in grass is a great feeling. It even makes sense to have bare feet in your own house. 

However, I draw the line when I see a dorky hipster at the stand up urinal in the men's washroom in nothing but bare feet. He takes a nice long pee (standing in the offspray of his own urine) and then proceeds to tread that bathroom stuff out into the hallways. Does anyone else not see how disgustingly wrong this is???

I had to fight off a strong desire to beat him to the ground with my handy pocket truncheon.

But seriously, this is just disgusting, unhealthy, and spreads disease everywhere.

These selfish hipsters think they are being so revolutionary and 'naturalistic' in their bare-foot trend. The fact is that shoes were invented to prevent the intake of diseases that can be contracted through the feet. 

Such things may include:

1. Hepatitis A, B, and/or C, from stepping on rusted objects or tracking in urine or blood.
2. AIDS from stepping on needles, glass etc.
3. Internal worms (of which the most well known is Hookworms which burrow into the toenails or fleshy soles of the foot and work their way into the body)
4. Fungal warts.....pretty self explanatory
5. Gangrene, this occurs when the feet are overexposed to wet or dirty environments for long periods of time. 
6. Poisonous animal bites such as snakes, spiders, and worms which prey on exposed feet. When in long grass or wooded areas this is especially a concern. The average person has 2-15 minutes to live after being bitten by venomous animals. 

These are serious health concerns. But does the modern-day "grounding" hipster care? No of course not. The hipster only cares about how they are perceived by others which is extremely selfish and stupid. 

By grounding the hipsters are indeed perceived by other people.....

......Perceived as moronic and disgusting unhygienic human beings.

I am personally going to make colourful brochures and hand them out to every hipster I see who is grounding detailing the terrible things that can happen to them if they decide to not wear shoes wherever they go. The more graphic the better.

Or maybe I'll just give them a little slip of paper that says: "Over 1 million people die a year from not wearing shoes. AFRICA."

Grounding does not make you cool. Or connected to the earth. Or better then everyone else. 

Grounding makes you a retard.

Gahhh. That is all