"When in Rome....Punch a Roman in the Face"

Alright so being a huge fan of history and all that jazz my title today is aptly titled. 

First, lets talk about the famous saying "When in Rome...do as the Romans do".

Well I've got news for you people: this is not Rome.

We do not have to "Do what the Romans do".

We are not sheep.

We are not mindless lemmings.

Now why might I say something like this??

Hmmmm I dunno......could it possibly be that I have come to notice that stupidity is contagious amongst stupid people??

Why yes, that is exactly the reason why.

Stupid people help other stupid people be more stupid.

Or as I like to say "Stupid is as stupid does"

And stupid people is something we could all use a little less of in our lives.

Consider these two examples to understand how this process works:

Example #1

- A person is driving along and sees someone in front of them who abruptly changes lanes without signaling and speeds up. This angers them.

-This person then ends up stuck behind a piece of junk 2007 "Mazda Molasses" that is moving as fast as it's name implies on the highway. This angers them.

-Thus they abruptly change lanes and speed up without signaling because--after all-- that is clearly now acceptable because they saw the person before them just do the same thing.This angers everyone who is not stupid.

-Thus stupidity spawns stupidity, and is caused by stupidity that was present in the moron driving the Mazda. 

Example #2

- A group of 5 people are sitting at a table in a restaurant. One of these people has an extremely loud voice that sounds like the mating call of a beluga whale. This is annoying.

-This one person then yells out their conversation to the rest of the table interspersed with "OMG IT WAS SO FUNNAYYYYY and SO THEN THE OTHER DAY I TOLD MY DAUGHTER BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH". This is even more annoying.

-She is being so loud in her conversation that her friends feel a little overpowered and think that she must be talking loudly because the surrounding restaurant is really loud. This is untrue.

-Her friends then all increase their voices until it sounds like a posse of wailing banshees stuffing their faces with food. The waitress does absolutely nothing and acts like it is completely normal. This is infuriating.

-Thus stupidity spawns stupidity, and is caused by stupidity in the moron waitress who failed to inform the lady that she is yelling like a fire marshal. 

Just because somebody else does something or acts a certain way does NOT mean that you are entitled to do the same thing.

Nor does it mean that it is the proper or right thing to do. 

The excuse "Well they did it" is absolute garbage. 

This is not Rome. We do not do as the Romans do. 

In fact, "When in Rome, you should punch a Roman in the face."

That way, there will be less stupid people in Rome. 

And we all know how much we hate stupid people. 

Ugh. 

That is all. 

We Hate Slow Walking Slug Humans

Hello Friendlies!

Today's rant is unique in that it is co-written by a good friend of mine! We shall refer to her as Erin. If you don't know her that's fine, if you do know her......well you completely understand why we decided to joint-write this blog entry.

Anyways, the format of this blog takes place in the form of a dialogue in which we converse back and forth with each other on the stupidity of the topic we have chosen. Hilariously enough, many of our conversations actually proceed exactly in this way. Don't believe me?? 

Well bully for you.

Today, we are discussing a much-loved type of person that you will encounter this Christmas season: The Slow-Walker. 

Erin why don't you share your ideas??

E: I personally feel like the world would be a better place if there was a police force that monitored the speed of peoples walking. I mean we as a society have devoted an entire task force to making sure that people drive the right speed, but has it ever been considered that these drivers are zipping around and speeding because of people walking JUST TOO SLOW?? 

It’s not only the fact that they walk slow. 

It’s that they walk slow in groups of 14 people, creating a Red Rover-esque lineup that does not allow any person past who wants to walk at a speed faster than one meter per minute. 

And when you politely approach them at what seems to be mach 4 and say “excuse me” they look at you with looks of disgust, as if you should not be trying to run the Boston Marathon in the middle of the mall, or in the middle of their school, or wherever you may be. 

They have set up their speed trap, trapping evil speed walkers like you, and you have been had.

But really, all you were trying to do was get from point A to point B before next Christmas.
Okay, I understand, not everyone is as able bodied as the rest of us, and I myself am not as vertically gifted as Jon, but I have trained my legs to move just a little bit faster so that I walk at a socially acceptable pace. 

You’re welcome. 

But let me assure you, that if I did want to walk at a snail’s pace I would do it up against the wall, making myself as invisible as possible, so as to not disturb the rest of the people who have places to be.

J: Oh I couldn’t agree more with you!! Think how effective a police force would be for slow walkers??!! If you walk too slowly, they could sprint past you and punch you in the kneecaps with staffs made of hardened resin and animal bone.

Or just push slow walkers onto the ground savagely so the rest of us can trample on them.

I’ve heard that flattened people make great pedestrian ramps and increase the standard of living. 

This could just be a rumour though.

Boy would that teach slow-walkers a lesson.

But you know what really gets me about these people Erin?? It’s that they will walk like normal people for points in time and then will suddenly cut in front of you and switch back to “caterpillar saunter” speed. 

For crying out loud, walk faster people. 

It’s not that hard to pick up your two appendages and place them one in front of the other at even a reasonably fast pace.

If you are too tired, or lack this ability, I suggest you STAY HOME and eat fistfuls of iron supplements or perhaps look into purchasing the book “Walking for Dummies”. 

You know what else is frustrating?? Not only is it a Red Rover-esque lineup that stretches across the walking space, but it frequently seems to be people who are built like NFL football linebackers. (Not strength wise, think width-wise). Thus even when you do perhaps try to slip past them innocuously you can’t physically get past their wall of human largeness. The only possible solution would be to crawl through their legs but a) that’s gross and b) I am a human not a slug.

E: I also think that people with a good walking record, like us, should be granted the privilege of low grade tasers, which we can use to break through this rugby scrum of snails so that we can get on with our days. this tactic will allow us to take control back from the army of linebackers who walk as slow as their brains operate. and i think THAT is the least that we can ask.

J: Ahhh yes, individual hand-held tasers....the perfect solution!! 

I wholeheartedly agree with this and I think it would be most effective in getting rid of shuffling parasitic slow-walking worm humans.

But perhaps more practically (and more cost-efficient) I have discovered a technique that works wonders in clearing these snails out: rudeness.

Don't wait.

Don't be polite.

Shove often.

Step hard.

Ugh seriously though people......

Slow walkers are the worst.

That is all.