10 Reasons Why I Hate Final Exams

Alright people so now that you are all winding up your exams (and I am done my stupid stupid stupid stupid projects), I have decided to start my blog up again.

You're welcome in advance for not giving you an excuse for distraction from your 24 hour ( and completely unnecessary) studying. 

Here is my list of why I hate final exams and the end of school semesters and I'm pretty sure you can empathize with me:

1. Your profs seem like reasonable people for the entire year. They even seem to have relatively reasonable expectations for your assignments and work. Then finals come and all of a sudden they ask you to memorize and know everything that they a) never taught you b) has nothing to do with the course c) is written in another language like Swahili. Suddenly you realize that they never were actually real people at all, just power hungry soul-eating monsters.

2. Nobody is able to do ANYTHING during the 2 weeks of finals. Apparently people are under the impression that imprisoning themselves in their houses/library for 24 hours a day is extremely effective in helping them understand information for their finals. Fact: it is clinically proven that breaks from studying for periods of 1-2 hours helps you retain information better and stay motivated. It's so annoying when people refuse to even go out for coffee because they are "studying soooooooooooooooo hard". Really??? Grow up. 

3. During finals everyone updates their Facebook statuses to how they're soooooooooo stressed out about exams, and they hate studying, and they hate life, hate their professors, hate their friends, hate the noise their pet hamsters make while they are studying, hate windows--because looking outside makes them sad....etc. etc. I guess this is a step forward for those Emo people who constantly put statuses reflecting how sad and depressed they are about everything.....but really??? We all know you are writing finals and are stressed. Please refrain from putting up such drivel for your facebook statuses. Ugh.

4. Ok more annoying then the facebook statuses is the plethora of TWITTER updates. As in.....twitter updates every 5 minutes about your life as a student. "Still studying........I hate biology.........student+dying=studying........." You get the point. Nobody cares, deal with it. 

5. If you are writing exams during winter semester, chances are you have not had the chance to complete your Christmas shopping. This means that the malls are filled with angry, stressed out students who are trying to get their gifts while thinking about their stupid finals and exams that they have to write. Understandably this causes for some exciting "Christmas cheer moments" with ignorant employees who have never gone to post-secondary institutions and don't understand what we are dealing with. You are given full permission to beat them senseless with your shoe.

6. I think people are bad drivers in general, but there is an increase in poor drivers around finals because students think it is a GENIUS idea to study while driving. Really?? Put down your stupid notes for 10 minutes and concentrate on driving. You will not fail your exam or die losing that little amount of time. People's lives are at stake when driving, and if you kill little Jimmy or Sally I will personally hold you responsible. Safety first!

7. Finals reveal how little you actually learn during 1 semester. Which really angers students because you realize that you spent a billion dollars on your school semester only to learn......nothing. For instance, the thing I remember most from this semester was the fact that an Elephant would beat a Rhinoceros in a real-life fight. How sad. 

8. Finals causes civility and hygiene to go out the window. You can spot a student who is in the midst of finals because they appear disheveled and unkempt. They are ragged and often have spots of drool and saliva on their clothes/faces. Also, they have put on weight due to the amount of time they have spent sitting and not moving, and may smell like urine and feces because of using a chamber pot instead of getting up to go to the bathroom. Most importantly, you can see a hint of madness gleaming in their eyes. Talking to a student in the middle of finals is like talking to a baboon on the edge of complete madness. Case in point: My overburdening desire while working on final projects to burn my notes and binder with gasoline while laughing like a maddened savage---I actually pictured this on a daily basis for about a week, and it made me feel warm and fuzzy.....something that would normally get you recommended for psychiatric evaluation. Hmmm.

9. Finals are worth an obscene amount of your mark. For no bloody reason. Your finals are just arbitrarily worth more then the rest of the work you do. Even though you spend way more time and effort during the semester doing work, none of that matters. What matters is that you can remember that one stupid sentence from a little bubble in your textbook word for word and be able to regurgitate it onto a page while under a time pressure constraint. This makes no sense, and is stupid.

10. Those cursed note-stealing gnomes!!! You know exactly what I'm talking about. You are studying for your finals and looking through your notes which you have carefully kept and organized for the semester. However, the ONE page that has the information you need has conveniently disappeared. You ask your classmates and find that they have all had the same experience. This is because of those irritating note-stealing gnomes that sneak around and steal important documents and hide them! Not to be confused with: car-key gnomes, wallet gnomes, watch gnomes, denture gnomes, jewelery gnomes, and clothe gnomes. Curse those gnomes.

Whew, I have been holding in my venting for a whole week.....it feels good to rail about the stupidity of people and things again. 

Seriously though final exams/exam week suck. 

Ugh. 

That is all.  

So You Have a PhD.......NOBODY CARES!!!

Oh boy, this just really grinds my gears.

So lets say that you spend lots of time and money getting a post-secondary education. You get a 4 year degree in Makiakki Herbology.  Yay you!! 

Then you decide to get your master's degree in it, writing your thesis on Negative Methane Toxicity of Makiakki Plants on the African Plains. 

You then decide to one-up yourself and get your PhD in Theoretical Herbology of Imaginary Pygmy Shamans in Malaysia.

You manage to nail your thesis and are awarded the distinction of having your PhD.

Good for you. 

Seriously, good work. 

It is not easy to pursue such ambitions and it takes a significant amount of time and money to achieve such goals. Even if they do revolve around stupid obscure subjects such as Pygmy Shamans and Maikkiki Herbology in remote areas.

Much respect.

However, I do not have respect for the losers who think that because they have achieved this status, everyone else is a lesser human being.

You know exactly what I'm saying.

These are the rude slime-balls who refuse to talk to you or get extremely offended unless you refer to them as DR. 

For instance, in retail I would frequently get people who had Dr. put on their credit cards. 

If I said have a nice day (Mr./Ma'am.....and their last name) they would get extremely angry and snootily reply: "Actually it's DR"; as their eyes turned into large dinner plates and rolled madly around in their head and they frothed angrily from the mouth.

Well soooooorrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyy douchebag I didn't mean to to insult your fragile little ego. 

It's really sad that you need to have this title in order to feel important in society. What were you neglected as a child or something??

Maybe you have "Small Man Syndrome"??

Does this PhD make everything in your life complete??

Well hopefully because it also makes everyone else want to punch them in the head 5,000 times until they are comatose on the floor.

Grahh.

You also run into this in the post-secondary world where you will have professors who will not even acknowledge you or talk to you unless you call them Dr. 

I will often call them Dr. Doom or Dr. Dre or something else that really irritates them.

Because really how stupid is that??

Just because they decided to waste their time and money pursuing higher education does not make them immediately smarter then you. Especially when the majority of people obtain their PhD's in things that the average 3 year old baby pig would be able to understand.

In fact, I find lots of these people severely lacking in common sense and I doubt they would be able to fix their own toilet if it broke and their feces were splattered about on the ground.

Some of them probably don't even know what feces are to be honest.

But really, how would these snobby people like it if I refused to answer to them unless they adressed me as "Sir" or "Your Majesty"??? 

Example:

"Can I try on these shoes please??"

"Of course not peasant, you didn't refer to me by my proper title.."

Yeah, of course they wouldn't like it don't be ridiculous.

But it's the exact same idea.

Having a PhD does not entitle you to put yourself on a pedestal above the rest of us you ignoramuses. 

It's just as mature as a 5 year old who throws a temper tantrum because they don't get a candy from the store. 

Grow up.

If you have a PhD and you want people to think you're smart and well-educated and a great person the best thing you can do is not act like a superior know-it-all who is obsessed with their title. 

Trust me.

Because if you try and shove your title in your face, I will make it my life goal to shove your face into a pile of dog poop on the ground. 

I will also make a point of refusing to call you Dr. and make snarky comments about your lack of ability toaccomplish anything in life.

I will tell all my friends about you and your selfish attitude.

This really really annoys me.

Really.

Ugh. 

What?? Speak English Please

Here's the thing. I have nothing against people who speak slightly accented English. I have nothing against people who speak English as their 57th language. I don't even have a problem with people who don't speak English at all.

Until they try to teach me or give me service me in English.

I fail to see how speaking Swahili or some language that consists of clicks and whistles to me in a class where I am trying to learn the syntax and structure of ENLGISH makes any sense.

Seriously, if you are trying to learn the language that's great...high five...yippee.....gold star....Care Bear Hug.

But you should NOT be trying to learn it while teaching or serving English speaking students. You already should have learned it.

That's what school, self-help books, and cultural indoctrination camps are good for. Come back in a month of hard work and see where it's at.

You know what I'm talking about.....instances such as:

• Powerpoint slides that have confusing sentences like "Then Aztecs will you see the past happening to move the moon to now." (True story)
• Your teacher/professor all of a sudden begins to chant or talk in a really fast, pleasant sing-song voice. Soon you are imagining that you are on a river in the middle of a jungle listening to the happy-sounding hum of an outboard engine. Wonderful, but class suddenly ends and you come to the realization that you have learned nothing.
• You go into a store and ask "Can you help me find some jeans?" They look at you blankly and respond with "We no have no beans sale, you check that food place." ....."Jeans not beans." "NO BEANS FOR YOU SIR, NO BEANS. ME LEAVE, NOW YOU LEAVE NOW!!!"
• You attempt to order a muffin from Tim Horton's and end up with a jalapeno flavoured bagel with herb and garlic cream cheese and a large double-double. Any attempt to fix your order only makes it worse and the staff yells at you of all things.
• Your teacher sends you e-mails in cryptic English in all caps THAT MAKES SEEMS YELLING NO??? Then they berate you in class (again unintelligibly) about how you didn't respond to their 'simple message'.
• You are in class and ask your teacher a difficult question. They get so flustered or refuse to answer it that they all of a sudden drop into speaking Russian at a rapid rate. It sounds as though they are preparing to eat human body parts or resurrect Frankenstein. This is scary.

And yes, all of these things in fact have happened to me.

Really.....if you don't know the language, don't teach it. Or don't put yourself in a position that requires it to be fluently used in service until it becomes intelligible and able to be understood by the population.

Above all else, do NOT become a post-secondary professor in an English institution where marking papers and speaking in class requires literacy. If the students have to correct the exams, syllabus, and syntax of the professor, there is a huge problem.

Ugh so frustrating.

You don't even know.