Why "Dora the Explorer" is Corrupting Children

Wheeewwwwww back at it!! Be sure to tune in this week as we delve into hipsters, doctors, Paranaoid Activity 3, and manlets with a vigour....but first, today's topic.

Now I don’t know about all you folks but I grew up watching shows such as Bugs Bunny, Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, Spiderman, Rocket Robin Hood, and Mr. Dress up. These shows taught you valuable life lessons like how to punch out raging super villains, loyalty, friendship, responsibility of superpower usage, and how to dress like a cool kid. 

However, modern television has decided to take a much more disturbing stance in children’s cartoons and has thus given us:

Dora the Explorer.

On the surface the basic premise of the show is cute and friendly: 

Dora learns to count!

Dora learns to spell!

Dora makes friends!

Yet what really bothers me is how it is riddled by many more questionable ideas:

Dora learns to spy on foreign countries!

Dora never stays at home!

Dora speaks Spanish instead of English!

Dora spies on her friends!

Dora has a secret backpack!

Dora has shifty eyes!

Hmmmm......well it becomes obvious pretty quickly that this show has very little to do with helping kids learn anything of value, but rather it is an evil tool used to teach subliminal messages. In case you haven’t caught on yet, I’m going to spell out for you what the network doesn’t want you to know:

DORA IS PROBABLY AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT!

Think about it. She knows how to count (in English) and spell (in English), yet at the same time, she teaches her viewers Spanish, showing her true colours and how she despises everyone who doesn’t agree with her. Most viewers of the show (little kids who poop out cheerios and lucky charms) don’t even understand Spanish and so Dora is secretly slipping them subliminal messages. Which is bad. And unfair to our poor little tykes.

Also, have you ever wondered exactly how that magical backpack of hers works?? Well, let me tell you something else that may surprise you:

DORA IS SECRETLY A TERRORIST!

Yup. She is definitely packing some seriously bad stuff inside of that backpack of hers, and plotting to destroy everything held dear by her viewers. The backpack "magically" contains whatever she wants it to contain, so this is not true fantastic to believe. Avoid her at all costs.

And that brings me to another point, why is Dora an “Explorer”. Well if she is does in fact harbor ill intentions towards the country, she is clearly exploring to map out the territory and find the most vulnerable points at which to execute her plan.

DORA IS A SPY!

She giggles with delight as you (the viewers) engage in helping her find pieces of the map which will help her on her journey. She even gets her monkey to record important places they've visited on the map. Oh yes, the devious little girl has even gone so far as to implicate our weak minded children in her masterminded plot.

But on a more serious note.....

This is one of the dumbest kids cartoons I've ever seen.

Send your kids to play outside instead of rotting in front of a television.

Especially when filled with silly programming like this.

Ugh new kids cartoons are the worst, don't even get me started on the Doodlebops.

That is all.

Driving Personalities: 'Soccer Mom Susan'

If you get road rage easily when driving high five yourself right now.

Actually take one hand, and give your other hand a hand-hug.

In fact you should probably just let out a giant lion-like roar and yell “ I HATE BAD DRIVERS.”

Trust me, it relieves stress. I just did it.

Anyways, this week the focus is on what I like to call “Driving Personalities”. Similar to the different types of people you see in Starbucks on a given day, driving personalities are different types of people you see out on the road driving. Today we deal with a favourite of many suburbanites:

Soccer Mom Susan.

Soccer Mom Susan is given away first and foremost by her minivan. Now when I say minivan, we’re not talking a cute little vehicle that has a lot of seats, flip down TV’s, and sliding doors.

When I say minivan we’re talking about a rampant, whirling dervish, gasoline ball, of potential death and destruction. Usually a Dodge Caravan.

Soccer Mom Susan is always swerving wildly back and forth on the road (as if drunk) and is constantly changing lanes without signalling. Through the back window you see upwards of 7 faces smeared against the window in a sweaty mess. Then suddenly you see hands on the window....then feet.....then a sneaker comes rocketing out of the window (which you promptly have to dodge to avoid windshield damage).....then you see clothes flying around......and if you’re SUPER lucky and have your windows down, you hear an inhumane screaming noise coming from the interior. 

Ahhhh.....it becomes clear what we have here. A herd of mad-eyed hyenas in a minivan. Cute.

You drive by and you see the following in the hazy mist of the Dodge Caravan:

• Soccer Mom Susan is using one hand to frantically talk on her cell phone to Andy’s parents because the little hyena crapped his shorts in her van's backseat. (Curse you Andy).
• The other hand is stuffed backwards in the van holding a crate of oranges for the kids to savagely devour
• Susan is constantly looking sideways and backwards as she tries to keep her eyes on the kids who are ricocheting off the sides of the van because they are not wearing seat belts.
• There is usually a small ugly dog on her lap. Otherwise it’s a small ugly child.
• Being an avid soccer-mom, she is sportily-dressed wearing LuLu Lemon pants, some brightly coloured shirt and a headband. All slightly discoloured because she wears the same stuff every time there is a soccer game. Which is somehow every day. 

She is just out of control. 

Now I can’t say that it is entirely Susan’s fault that she is a bad driver, however it is ENTIRELY Susan’s fault that she is bad at handling children.

And bad at watching where she is going.

And bad at caring for child safety.

And bad at stopping.

And bad at respecting the speed laws.

And bad at pretty much everything to do with driving actually.

In fact I take back my earlier statement:

It is entirely Susan’s fault.

Look, the solution to this is pretty simple:

DON’T DRIVE 10 KIDS IN ONE VEHICLE

DON’T LET YOUR KIDS PLAY SOCCER

DON'T BREED HYENAS

DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE

Honestly. Just hire a bus for the year. Or a taxi. Or even make the kids ride their bikes for once in their lives.

Guns don’t kill people.....Soccer Mom Susan kills people.

Seriously.

That is all.