"Hipster Spotting 100": A Dictionary Guide to Spotting Hipsters

Ahem. 

Please utilize this useful beginner's dictionary to know the difference between a hipster and a non-hipster:

A Hipster Will/Is/Can:

Sway: To move or swing to and fro, as something fixed at one end or resting on a support

Hipsters believe life should break around them like water on a rock. Thus hipsters will often change opinions, clothes, glasses, shoes, spouses, and cutlery. However they suck at swaying others in any capacity.

Shuffle: To move clumsily. 

Hipsters often run into immovable objects due to over utilization of their Ipad's and sheer stupidity. Clumsy, just like a cow with 2 legs.

Loaf:  To lounge or saunter lazily and idly. OR the rounded head of a cabbage, lettuce, etc.

While it's common knowledge that they are lazy, bovine, and waste time, it is much more interesting to note that they all do have cabbage-like heads. This is an extremely helpful identifier.

Meander: To wander aimlessly; ramble.

This term refers to the movement of the hipsters' mouth and their ridiculous ideas. Talk to one and you quickly learn the technique of smiling and nodding while not listening at all. Nobody cares, and they forget what they just said anyways.

Philistine: A person who is lacking in or hostile or smugly indifferent to cultural values, intellectual pursuits, aesthetic refinement, etc., or is contentedly commonplace in ideas and tastes.

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The definition says it all. Hipsters are Philistines in every respect. Unfortunately they are unaware of society's rejection of them. This is sad. Stoning of Philistines was common in ancient times.

Narcissistic: Having an undue fascination with oneself; vain.

While everyone is vain to an extent, hipsters are exclusively vain. They don't care who you are, what you wear, or what you say because, after all, that takes away from them as being the best individuals ever.

Perplexed: Complicated; involved; entangled.

Nothing is simple for a hipster. Not even saying hello to somebody, or ordering black coffee. There is always 'more than meets the eye' with them. Which is eerily similar to Emo people, but completely different at the same time. After all, you can't compare apples with apples.

Poignant: Keenly distressing to the feelings.

When you see a true-blooded hipster, they distress you. Why? Because they are so silly and insensible. This distresses the average human.

Amble: To go at a slow, easy pace; stroll; saunter. Or in the case of a horse to go at a slow pace with the legs moving in lateral pairs and usually having a four-beat rhythm. 

Again, the second part of the definition is most accurate. While hipsters will move at an easy pace, they often try and move their legs at the same time while wearing TOMS. This makes them shuffle lots, and look confused as they attempt to put one foot in front of the other. Tripping is frequent. Plus they have horse-faces sometimes.

Shambles: 

a. A slaughterhouse.

b. Any place of carnage.

c. Any scene of destruction.

d. Any scene, place, or thing in disorder: 

If you see a person who is in shambles, chances are they are, or used to be a hipster. Their clothing especially makes them look as if they just walked out of a pig slaughterhouse. Sad but true. Oink if you see a hipster in shambles.

Trill: (Of birds, insects, etc.) to sing or utter in a succession of rapidly alternating sounds.

Often this refers to female hipsters. However, male hipsters fall into this category frequently as they are confused about the pitch of their voice. Trilling can be heard while they are ordering Starbucks, listening to their awesome obscure music, or when they say anything in a conversation. Basically, it's all the time, and you feel like you are listening to crickets chirping. I would recommend equipping a bug-zapper.

Now, the normal person Will/Is/Can:

Agreeable: To one's liking; pleasing.

The average person is easy to get along with and can be conversed with normally. Hello, a handshake, and goodbye are common amongst agreeable people.

Walk: To advance or travel on foot at a moderate speed or pace; proceed by steps; move by advancing the feet alternately so that there is always one foot on the ground in bipedal locomotion and two or more feet on the ground in quadrupedal locomotion.

Normal human beings have absolutely no issue with walking. And so they do so. Some even run, which is even more foreign to hipsters.

Intelligent: Having the faculty of reasoning and understanding; possessing knowledge.

Normal people understand reason and have some kind of knowledge. Hipsters do not understand reason, or logic, or possess knowledge of reputable things. This is one of the biggest benchmarks of a normal person.

Well-dressed: Attired in clothing that is of good quality, is properly fitted, and is appropriate and becoming.

Normal people dress appropriately and don't attempt to squeeze their bodies into skinny jeans or wear v-necks that show caved in chests and hollow bones. Normal people also understand when and when not to wear jackets, carry umbrellas, wear glasses, etc. etc.

Move: To advance or progress.

Stuff happens. People get over it. Life goes on. This is a foreign concept for hipsters. For them it's all about KONE 2012 and social justice from a billion years ago when the dinosaurs roamed or Ahab hunted his whale. Also, hipsters stand around a lot and that's why they are the highest at-risk population for being killed by moving vans and heavy machinery.

Generous: Free from meanness or smallness of mind or character.

No, not every normal person is entirely generous, but they are way less selfish and self-absorbed then the hipster. They buy products even if they're not fair-trade or handmade because they believe that $1 an hour is at least better than $0 an hour for someone. And face it, Wal-Mart sells everything, and also has a charity fund so it's win win.

Normal: Usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

The hipster is an aberration of nature. Pretty much anything else is normal. Unless you are Marilyn Manson. 

But that's for another time.

Hopefully you learned some more colourful language today!

Stick around for tomorrow's 101 class on Dictionary Terms.

Guaranteed to enhance your hipster-insult library.

Every Time You Smile an Emo Person Dies

Think about the title of this blog. Now smile. Congratulations you have just killed an Emo person!

Or at least I wish that was the case.

Emo people are last year’s model of the hipster. Just more misunderstood, and more perishable. (As in die easily).

They are shy, fragile, creatures who hold buckets and buckets full of feelings and emotions that they don’t know how to express. So they all express themselves the same way:

• Through their sad pathetic clothing and hairstyle 
• By listening to music which they feel empathizes with their inner feelings 
• Being a Mute, Crying/Corner-sitting 
• Playing in Traffic 
• Self-persecution (I SUCK SOOOOO MUCH AT LIFE! SO I’M JUST GOING TO KEEP DOING THINGS I SUCK AT SO I FEEL WORSE ABOUT MYSELF).

Let’s go through each of these manifestations in closer detail so we can discover exactly why I despise Emo people.

1. The whole world already knows they lack any sort of athleticism or physical strength, yet Emo’s insist on dressing in skin-tight jeans to show off their knocky-knees and pencil legs. Why would you want to wear nut-crusher jeans is my question?  Also they grow their hair long and dye it black (sometimes with a coloured patch in it) and then they comb it over so it covers one of their eyes—which they then use to stare at the ground.

Oh Emo people, you think you make such a statement by telling the world you are sad and depressed through your hair and dress. But in actual fact, you just make yourself a bigger target for being run over and flattened by garbage trucks who mistake you for pesky skunks. Oh well, nobody misses Emo's anyways.

2. They listen to songs like “Perfect” by pInk (real song) or “It’s Raining Glass and Knives” by The Cornersitters (I wish it was a real song). Either way, the songs frequently reference suicide, death, dying, knives, being cut by knives, dying on a bed of knives, committing suicide by falling on a bed of knives, sadness, deathly sadness, worldly sadness, there is nothing but sadness, dying on a sad bed of knives while tears fall into eternal death....you get the point.

Oh hey Emo people, you know what, nobody else listens to that music. Why?  Because the rest of us have these fun little things called mouths and we use them to share our feelings with others. Oh and also, those artists SUCK and most of us prefer not to listen to suicidal-sad-depressing-the-world-is-ending-I-hate-my-life-bands.

3. It’s a fact: Emo people are pretty much mute. Have you ever tried talking to one? It’s like talking to a sack of hammers with a mouth. A really really really stupid sack of emotional hammers. They are too self-absorbed to respond to anything you say so they just shuffle away and stare at the ground. Or they go cry in the corner by themselves because you tried talking to them (which somehow means you don’t understand them).

The best way to make friends with an Emo person is to stand next to them and not say anything but nod your head sadly in empathy.

I prefer my method: mace them. “SEE YOU CRY NOW SUCKAHHH”

Or smile. And watch them die. Because every time you smile an Emo person dies.Fact.

4. Emo’s are at highest risk for dying in pedestrian related accidents. Reason being they can’t see past their hair and shuffle everywhere.

But nobody cares.

5.  Self-persecution is rampant amongst Emo people. And you know what? 

Nobody really cares about that either. It’s their own choice. If they want to think that everyone hates them.....fine....we can make that happen. If they want to believe they can’t do anything with their life.....fine.....it’s easier for the rest of us to be successful. 

I don’t buy any of this nonsense that it’s somehow my fault that Emo people are Emo. Being Emo is a choice. If you choose to sit in a corner and cry about your life I don’t feel sorry for you at all, nor do I feel like joining you. I feel like Emo people need to adopt one of my favourite slogans:

Deal With It Or Die With It.

And that’s The Daily Ranter.