Don't Play With Your Food

For all you gross people who chew with your mouths open so we can watch you visibly digest, eat with no hands by putting your face into your plate, or who throw up your food just so you can re-eat it.....this little ode is just for you. Actually, this is just basic food etiquette 101. It infuriates me when people don't know basic table manners.

Or people's children either for that matter.

 I call it 'Don't Play With Your Food'

Ahem.

Please don't play with your food.

Don't play with that food!!

It's messy and tacky and silly and rude.

Don't play with your food,

Don't mess with your meal,

Just think how your poor mashed potatoes must feel....

Don't stick olives onto your fingers,

Pretending they're opera singers.

Please, don't play with your food!!

Don't play with your food,

Don't stuff your fat face.

Gravy! And carrots! All over the place!

Use your utensils and don't lick your plate,

Eat it up slow or else regurgitate.

Don't play with your food,

Don't smack those big lips,

Don't sound like a train wreck

When munching on chips.

Don't you dare slurp on that soup,

Or poop in your chair,

And get your bratty kid's fingers

Out of my hair.

Don't play with your food,

Don't shove it around;

Don't eat like a hippo,

And gain 50 pounds.

Don't laugh while you chew,

Or chew while you laugh;

Don't munch on your lettuce

Like a retarded giraffe.

Keep those elbows off,

And learn how to sit,

Cause leaning and reaching

Isn't cool! Not a bit!

Don't play with your food!

Don't yell at the table,

Or grunt like a hog,

Or shove your face in

And pretend you're a dog.

Don't build a big castle,

With pieces of steak;

Or stab at the poor butter

Please give it a break!!

Don't scream like a banshee

Or moan like a seal;

Don't waste supper,

Telling us all how you feel.

Please don't play with your food! 

Don't play with your food, 

Don't catapult peas,

Don't act out a drama

With slices of cheese.

Don't play with your food,

Don't gurgle that pop, 

Don't hiccup or fart,

Once you start you don't stop!

Don't eat with your fingers,

Don't eat with your toes;

Don't eat off the floor

Where E-Coli grows.

Anything else? Why just let me think,

Don't neglect your poor plates

And rinse in the sink.

Into the garbage can extras should go,

Not in the dishwasher,

Not up your nose.

I said it once, I shall say it again:

Don't play with your food! 

DON'T PLAY WITH THAT FOOD!

It's messy and tacky and silly and rude.

People who lack table manners or the ability to eat properly should be treated like babies. 

We should feed them baby food.

And give them pacifiers.

Seriously......learn some manners.

Ugh.

That is all.

Driving Personalities: 'Fat Freddy'

I dislike Fat Freedy. Straight up.

However, on top of being terrible drivers, 'Fat Freddy's' are just revolting in almost every aspect.

These are the people who frequently brake and drive slowly no matter what lane they're in. You can point out a 'Fat Freddy' when you drive by therm and you see they have their hand stuffed deep into a fast food bag and they are ramming onion rings into their gullet while driving. 

The grease just runs down their faces onto their clothes as they chew gluttonously with satisfied smiles on their faces. 

Nomnomnom there is nothing but them and their next heart attack!

Grease stains are the new hipster clothes!

Fast food makes you popular! 

Nomnomnomnomnomnnomnom!

They never have more than 1 hand on the steering wheel at any point in time because of the need to constantly rummage around for more food or occasionally wipe away their slobber onto the seat next to them. Consequently, they struggle with keeping an eye on the road and driving in a straight line. This is hazardous for regular folk.

Gross.

Let's be realistic here though, 'Fat Freddy' is not always a fat or obese person. In fact, quite often it is just a disgusting skinny slob (man or woman) who should be obese but for some unexplainable reason is not. Why slobs get good genes is beyond me. And plus, how come they can't also have a gene for good driving skills? I firmly believe non-disgusting people are better drivers.

Look, there's a place and a time for shoving gooey pastries and fistfuls of french fries into your gaping mouth, that would would be called "dinner-time". Or perhaps "last meal on death row" time. Do not be revolting and lather yourself with fast food and grease in your vehicle while chewing with your mouth open to the world. We can see digestion occurring in your mouth

Fact: Cars do not make you invisible.

Fat Freddy's are extremely unpredictable drivers and drive hazardously slow. They also have a bad habit of not signalling when changing lanes because it takes too much effort to lift their fat fingers out of the McDonald's bag over to the signal button. It is obviously wayyyyyy more important to scavenge for the last fry at the bottom of the fast food bag.

Again, gross.

So when you see these people I have discovered a technique that works really well to bring them into reality quickly.

Here's what you do:

Get into the lane next to them and slow down to their speed. Then look over at them and make fat disgusting rude faces and lean on your horn for about 30 seconds. If you really want to go all out, roll your window down and yell at them in Latin or German (or another angry sounding language).

Or just make a witty sign with a slogan that says something like: "2 Hands saves lives: Eat those fries and Jimmy dies."

Let's rid the roads 1 Fat Freddy at a time.

Ugh.